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"Don't get defensive!" or, "I spoke to her about it and she was very defensive."
Help me out, City-Data.
When you speak to someone about something (normally something that they have done wrong), and the person defends themselves, why is that a bad thing?
Why is defensiveness a bad thing when the person is, in fact, defending themselves?
You often hear this in the workplace or in relationships.
Let's say Employee A made a mistake at work and Supervisor called them into a meeting about it. Employee A explains why they made the mistake and says that they won't do it again. Or, the mistake was due to Employee B not giving Employee A enough information and Employee A relays this to Supervisor. Later Supervisor tells their boss, "Employee A was very defensive."
Am I misunderstanding the meaning of the word defensive? How exactly is someone supposed to react when defending themselves?
Interesting question. I think maybe you're misunderstanding the way "defensive" is used in that situation.
If a person is "defensive" when confronted with a problem, that means at the end of the conversation the problem still isn't solved. The ball has not been moved forward.
Two examples. The first one, the person is defensive:
A: There's a problem when you drive the kid's carpool. The kids need to be picked up at 8:30, and you're usually here about 8:45.
B: I'm not usually that late. Traffic is a problem, and everyone else who picks up kids at my house is that late too. Jane didn't even show up last Thursday, making all of us have to drive our own kids.
This one isn't defensive, but is defending herself:
A: There's a problem when you drive the kid's carpool. The kids need to be picked up at 8:30, and you're usually here at 8:45.
B: What? I thought the time was 8:45. Look, here, this email from Katie when this began. It says the kids need to be picked up at 8:45.
A: That was changed. Do you remember the soccer team parent meeting?
B: No. I was out of town. No one told me.
A: Can you arrive at 8:30 instead?
B: I'll see if I can work it out. I'll text you tomorrow am.
In the first situation, you hit an absolute stone wall and can't solve the problem. Case B, you're working on the problem.
Contingent on how it was broached,determines the amount of self assertiveness.
Example 1: boss A says : You messed up the report and are lazy!
Example 2: boss B says: hey,today I reviewed the report and noticed on line number 3, the data was miscalculated. Can you be more mindfully when computating?
There in lays how a person may respond...It's in the presentation,tone,and the underlying motive. Boss b is not attacking on a personal level. Remains objective minded,seeking a resolution. Boss A lacks regard.
Most "reframe" the context and avoid the confrontational attitude. Being defensive is your voice saying..No one else is going to stick up for me...So here it goes!
Usually when someone says "don't get so defensive," it's because there's no reason for the other person to be defensive. Their perception of being attacked is not the reality. But they're so busy putting up a defense that they don't recognize that there's no need.
Defending oneself is not bad. No one should be a doormat.
However, context, having self-awareness, the degree to which one defends themselves, tone, body language, how that message is delivered and received should all be taken into consideration.
I'm a very defensive person - bordering on confrontational yet when someone points out a mistake on my part, I will be humble and admit my wrongdoing, with sincere apologies.
I think it's because I've had a history of people trying to use me as a scapegoat when someone else (or they themselves) messed up. A couple of years ago, I raised my fist at a coworker during a very heated argument - many of you here remember that thread. I'm more mellow now, and will just speak my piece in defense, and walk away.
OP, in your example I don't think Employee B was being defensive, but it all depends on context. If employee B cuts off the supervisor saying, "I did it like that because you didn't tell me what to do and weren't available to ask, so I just had to wing it all alone," it sounds defensive. If Employee B says, "I thought I understood your instructions but I must not have. I had a couple of questions and couldn't find you, but I thought I knew enough to get it done" it doesn't sound defensive. It also leaves the door open for problem-solving.
The better we can free ourselves of unnecessary explanation and excuse-making the more open and honest we can become. It makes for more clear communication and understanding of each other and demonstrates self-acceptance.
To me, "defensive" means not willing and open to listen to the problem and help find an adequate solution. It does not mean (to me) that someone is defending themselves. People can definitely defend themselves without being defensive. Just my opinion though.
Not sure if I can explain this clearly, but I feel another aspect that plays into "defensive" versus "defending" is intent.
A person who is defensive probably already knows that their behavior in a particular situation was probably not the best one. So, they have already predicted the response, rehearsed what comes next, and are primed to take a knee jerk reaction just to keep their internal status quo. They doubt themselves but don't want to hear about it.
A person who is defending themselves is often just defending the action they took, not their whole being. They know there's not much to gain or lose.
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