Worried about Mom...don't know what to do longterm. (spouse, father, person)

[Sonic_Spork]

So my Mom has been in a way the one relative (who is still living anyhow) who cares and is there for me, at least insofar as I can always call her, can talk to her about anything at all, and I know she loves me and she doesn't judge me. We are emotionally close like that.

But.

She is a serious chronic maker of horrible life choices. I have known this for a long time. It's damaged all of her other family relationships as people have sort of given up on her craziness.

All her life, she would get herself into messy situations, and then fall back on her parents to bail her out. Finally as they got very old and needed a caregiver, she moved in and provided care...but eventually she took over. Took control of their finances, got them to deed her the house, drained their accounts and ran up debt in their name doing all of these wild home renovation projects to stay busy... And the problem with that, is that the value of that property is capped by its location in the middle of nowhere in Arkansas. It will never be worth what she's been dumping into it, not if it was the Taj Mahal. She figures it's fine since when her parents die, their debt will magically vanish, as all their assets are now in HER name not theirs.

She gets too many cats, always. She forms relationships with users. She once wanted to move in with me when I was 18 and pregnant and struggling, she said she was doing it to help me. I didn't want her to bring her pets, she went over my head and talked the landlord into it! She brought 7 cats and a dog, and a lot of fleas. Then she didn't get a job, though she made a huge production of trying. The whole thing was a disaster, and my then-husband and baby and I moved out and abandoned our home to her, escaped rather.

But that's how she does. She's really good at rationalizing everything so her way sounds like the only sensible way, but in reality it's bonkers. From a perspective outside of her chaos-vortex, you can clearly see that no part of it will work out well. But somehow it all makes sense to her. She's got two masters degrees that are completely useless, and now claims she can't work because her hands hurt and she can't think clearly, but doctors say there is nothing wrong with her (besides perhaps being severely obese.)

Like...I love her. She remembers my Birthday, we have a very strong bond of just KNOWING one another and caring about one another. But if I let her anywhere actually near my life, she will destroy it. She can't help it, it almost seems.

And now she has drained her parents dry, her Mom is dead and her Dad is on his way...and when his social security $ stops coming, she won't have any income. And she is saying she doesn't know what she'll do, and she's thinking about moving closer to me. So far I've done a good job of structuring circumstances to prevent her from homing in on me as a resource. I always tell her I don't have any money (which is kind of true)...and I don't live in a place big enough to have extra room (on purpose.) But I have no idea what will become of her. It hurts to know she's in a hopeless position. And there are no other relatives who would help her, once her Dad is gone.

I feel in my gut, that I have to protect myself, my goals, my kids, the life I've built, so I cannot let her get too close. But it's agonizing to just...do nothing. Feel like I'm turning my back on the one person who always listened, loved, understood. I know others have had dear family they had to either deal with, or not deal with, who were just too messy to have close...how do you cope with something like this?

[silibran]

If memory serves, your mom was not very protective of you when you were younger. It sounds as if she has some sort of odd personality quirk or disorder. But her parents enabled her; so she never learned to exercise good judgement. I think you will have to allow her to fail. If she goes homeless, I think you might want to try to assist her in finding a way to live in her area. I do think your feelings that she will wreck your life if you allow her to is correct. So, don't allow her.

I think it is permissible to tell your mom in no uncertain terms that she is not welcome to live near you. If you at some point decide to give her money, then understand that this become a continuing expectation. You will become her enabler, as her parents did.

If you feel you are not strong enough to withstand this, then I recommend you and your spouse go to counseling to learn ways of dealing and deflecting. Get help to decide what you are willing to do, and how to draw the line to go no further. And then you two stand firm together.

[tottsieanna]

I agree with silibran. You are not responsible for your mother's bad choices and your first responsibility is to your your own family. If she starts with how she could move in to help with your kids firmly tell her no and stick to it no matter how much she ask.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

how do you cope with something like this?

Learn how to say the word NO, often, and loudly.

[emotiioo]

OP, don't let her move closer. Don't cave in to guilt.

I have a close relative like this. Part of me wants to help, but the more rational part understands that she will take over everything in my life, devouring it as she has done in her own.

There are options. Can you look into long term care insurance for her if she becomes ill or incapacitated? Can you contact social services in her area to find out programs that might be available to help her? Do you know any of her friends? You can help, but for the love of heaven, help at a distance. Practice appropriate detachment. Send her kindness and compassion, but put your own life first.

[Sonic_Spork]

Thank you guys. It feels so...cold, to turn my back on blood. But I've watched this play out since I was a kid. I can clearly remember telling her that she was making bad choices, when I was as young as nine years old.

So far I've countered by throwing my own sob stories (sometimes a little exaggerated at least in terms of how upset I was about them, if not necessarily the facts) back at her, so she feels I have nothing left to help her with. I've also tried to tell her that Colorado would be a difficult place for her to live due to the high altitude and the cost of living.

I honestly wish I could put her in a home, like take legal guardianship of her and put her somewhere she can't make any more problems for herself. I guess, if she lives to be old enough, maybe I might. But according to doctors of mind and body, there is nothing officially wrong with her, though she says that she has all sorts of symptoms of all sorts of things.

[Sonic_Spork]

Originally Posted by emotiioo

OP, don't let her move closer. Don't cave in to guilt.

I have a close relative like this. Part of me wants to help, but the more rational part understands that she will take over everything in my life, devouring it as she has done in her own.

There are options. Can you look into long term care insurance for her if she becomes ill or incapacitated? Can you contact social services in her area to find out programs that might be available to help her? Do you know any of her friends? You can help, but for the love of heaven, help at a distance. Practice appropriate detachment. Send her kindness and compassion, but put your own life first.

Thanks, we were typing at the same time.

I can do those things...honestly though, she has always been a master of playing the system for all kinds of benefits, so if there is aid available I'd be shocked if she's not getting every bit she can already. I might look into some sort of insurance, I don't really know how that works but it may be a good idea.

She doesn't have many friends left. She has cultivated some odd connections. I haven't gotten to know them. She was trying to build a relationship with a lesbian woman from the Philippines and was going to bring her here to take care of her, but it wound up a thing she was dumping money into with no results, so I think she's pretty much abandoned that plan.

[Cida]

Tough problem.

You can't stop her from moving near you. The only things you can do would be:
-To keep saying, You'd better get your finances in order before you move anywhere
-See if you can get someone her own age to talk to her, any remnant of a close friend, her lawyer if she has one, a clergyman...

You might also ask for advice in the Caregiving forum. Your mother isn't quite in that situations, but they might have some ideas.

By the way, any chance that she could rent out a room in her house for some income?

[EveryLady]

Your Mom sure sounds like she's going to be a pistol to the last. Fortunately, you seem to grasp that even though she genuinely has a love for you that will not stop her from manipulating you like she does the social service system and creditors. For your family's sake, stay strong.

That said, perhaps it will help YOU (and who knows, on a long shot, maybe even her) if you research possible "plans" and present them to her in writing. There is something about the written word that may help her realize you are setting firm boundaries even though she probably will follow up on none of the suggestions.

Maybe draft some sort of plan around her staying in her father's home that she presumably will own. Is a roommate a possibility - but NOT the woman from the Philippines! A second plan might have her selling the home then buying an inexpensive trailer say in Florida - anything to keep a roof over her head. A third plan might present research that you do on housing for the elderly - identifying possible areas where she can get her name on a list once she qualifies.

Draft some potential budgets - that clearly show your mother will have to take at least a minimum wage job that perhaps she will qualify for even though she can't "think clearly." You don't mention her age or whether she will eventually receive social security. Also draft a future "retirement budget." Make the problem HERS. In writing.

Then present this to her in a family meeting where you express your concern but, again, be prepared to counter all her alternative "suggestions" to bind her to you. In the end, all you can hope for is YOUR peace of mind that you've done what is reasonable, offered constructive assistance. But don't make a positive RESULT your responsibility - particularly since your Mom is a master at shifting responsibility. Worst case scenario, I'd also be prepared with a list of social services, shelters, churches. Even though she may well already be aware of them, knowing that YOU also do and seeing YOU send them to her will help maintain that boundary.

What you can do is offer her the same willingness to listen to her problems that she gives you - but NOT to solve them. Good luck, here. Again, be strong.

[BrassTacksGal]

Any profit earned from the sale of the house will to whom they owe money. It sounds like there won't be money left over for her to do anything.