Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,805,788 times
Reputation: 41398
Advertisements
Depends on who.
Mother - no brainer, yes
Extended family (the ones who refer to me and my mother as the uppity s who live North) - absolutely not and hell no
Close Friends - yes if it is feasible to travel there
Loved ones of close friends - If they want me there for support yes, if they don't I respect their wishes
Coworkers - Likely not unless we had a close relationship which is the exception and not the rule
Weird topic, I know; but just curious. I have friends that go to many funerals--for example, one went to a coworker's funeral and they barely knew the coworker and didn't know the family. I have other friends that only go if they absolutely have to.
Is there some type of protocol that you follow?
Currently, an older woman in our neighborhood died. I knew in her passing (mainly because we'd run into each other at community events) and met her family once. I'd say we were friendly, but we didn't have each other's phone numbers or anything. I hadn't planned on going to her funeral.
Then, a neighbor who happens to have been good friends with the deceased, asked if I wanted to carpool to this funeral. I said I wasn't planning to go. The neighbor then went on to express shock that I wouldn't go to a funeral for someone I know. She's also upset about the loss of her friend.
My relationship with this neighbor is also what I'd consider superficial. We don't hang out, don't go to each other's houses or anything like that. Again, I'd say we were friendly, but not friends.
Now, I'm wondering if I should go to the funeral.
I only attend funerals that are for very close family. I don't live near any family so it's quite the trek to go to a funeral. I also don't take time off from work unless it's an immediate family member of mine or my husband.....no one beyond siblings, parents, or grandparents. My husband isn't given bereavement time for anyone outside of those relations except spouse. So taking vacation time for a funeral for someone we're not close to is just silly to us.
I've attended one neighbor's wake. She was very friendly with us and I was sad to see she was gone. I wanted to pay my respects to her daughter and husband both of which I knew. I've never been to a funeral for any other neighbor. Again, they'd have to be friends not just neighbors to attend and only if it didn't interfere with work. Waving hello and not speaking more than once or twice a year isn't a friend. I wave at the mailman and I have no idea what his name is!
The author's father really didn't have a reason except because you're supposed to. Who says you're supposed to? Who makes a kid go to a funeral by them self? Why did the father sit in the car? Seems strange to tell your child that you always got to the funeral, but then he sits in the car.
We've all lost people close to us. And everyone will continue to lose people. Many of us just aren't interested in funerals. We prefer to celebrate people while they're alive and know what's going on around them. Funerals are for the living.....not the dead. Dead people can't see or smell the flowers. My mother says no flowers when she dies....give them to her now she can enjoy them. Makes a lot of sense.
There's a cemetery where I live that is lit up every evening. Every gravestone has a solar ground light. It's the creepiest thing to drive by. Are they lit up so the ghosts can see their way around? It's just bizarre.
Conversely, by telling your mom--your freaking mother--that you can't be bothered to attend her funeral, you're saying that her life is not really worth noting. You know, the woman who carried you, changed your diapers, fed you, clothed you, sat by your bedside when you were sick, attended soccer games faithfully, and on and on and on. And you can't spare an hour or two to commemorate her passing. Jeez, I bet she's proud to have you as a son.
Grow up. It's not all about you all the time.
You grow up. Everyone doesn't have a fantastic mom. Many people come from abused homes. So those folks should just grow up and say oh it's my mommy! Oh puleeze! I can tell you my own mother didn't do many of those things you listed.
You grow up. Everyone doesn't have a fantastic mom. Many people come from abused homes. So those folks should just grow up and say oh it's my mommy! Oh puleeze! I can tell you my own mother didn't do many of those things you listed.
And here comes the predictable "My parents didn't buy me a pony" mewling, followed by the exaggerated account of everything a parent did or didn't do. Guess what? My mother wasn't exactly Donna Reed or June Cleaver either. My mother to this day remains a flawed individual who likely thought she was doing the best she could. But when she goes to the great Bridge Club In The Sky, I'll be there. Because, for better or worse, she's still my Mom.
And here comes the predictable "My parents didn't buy me a pony" mewling, followed by the exaggerated account of everything a parent did or didn't do. Guess what? My mother wasn't exactly Donna Reed or June Cleaver either. My mother to this day remains a flawed individual who likely thought she was doing the best she could. But when she goes to the great Bridge Club In The Sky, I'll be there. Because, for better or worse, she's still my Mom.
Buy me a pony? Um. No. Far from it. My mother severely abused me. CPS was called in. We went to court even. So yeah Donna Reed wasn't my mother. Let me know when she last broke wooden spoons on her child's back causing permanent spinal damage. Abuse goes well beyond being flawed.
Buy me a pony? Um. No. Far from it. My mother severely abused me. CPS was called in. We went to court even. So yeah Donna Reed wasn't my mother. Let me know when she last broke wooden spoons on her child's back causing permanent spinal damage. Abuse goes well beyond being flawed.
Maybe you should go and get some quiet satisfaction, then.
I don't remember all the names of the people who came to my dad and then my mom's funerals. I don't remember what each said. But I do remember the volume of people, and that each had made an effort to cone out, whether it was the visitation or funeral, or both. At least 6 former coworkers came to my dad's funeral,but only one did I not know. He said to me "Your father was a tremendous man; I respected him greatly." Complete stranger, yet I carry his words 7 years later. He didn't gave to come, but the fact that he did, and the few words he uttered stand out from anything else said to me.
Truth is, most of us don't like funerals/visitations, Death makes us sad and/or uncomfortable. But you never know what that 20 second conversation and acknowledgement of a life lost will mean to the bereaved.
I had a similar thing at my dad's wake. He and I were not really close and saw each other a few times a year. Meeting all the people who had known him and socialized with him was a great comfort. They all had nice things to say about him (naturally!).
That being said, I am not a fan of funerals in general. I think my sister-in-law put it well when she said, "People don't come in and look at me when I am sleeping, why should they do it when I am dead?"
When my husband died, he was cremated and six months later we scattered the ashes at sea in a location convenient to most of his family (half of whom did not come anyway). Then ate pizza (his favorite) afterwards. I had had thoughts about not doing anything semi-public, esp. when I found out family members couldn't be bothered to come, but the people who DID come told me how much they appreciated it, so I was glad I did it in the end.
So to answer the original question, for close relatives, yes; to support the remaining family members, yes; out of idle curiosity or boredom, no.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
s who live North) - absolutely not and hell no
