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For example, if you say, got a new car, they would say "That's a nice car. But you know what kind of car is REALLY awesome? X car." This is not the kind of car you have.
Or if you were dating someone new. They might say "Oh he/she seems great. But do you know who REALLY has a good looking/smart/interesting partner? So and so." Again this isn't you.
Or your kid wins the spelling bee. "Oh, she is a good speller. But do you know who has a REALLY smart kid? So and so." (Not your kid.)
I have a family member who has done this for years. Recently we had a conversation that went along these lines and I found myself thinking back on many others. Its always the same-- yeah, you are okay but so and so or such and such is just WAY better!"
Does anyone have a clever strategy or come back for these comments? Do you know anyone who does this?
Well, you could try being direct, looking him in the eye and saying innocently, "I'm confused - are you trying to make me feel bad?" Or "Why can't you just enjoy my daughter's moment in the sun?" Or, "Could you just spend a moment on the topic at hand, instead of spinning off elsewhere?"
Or you could be sarcastic, like "How helpful of you to point out our failings, as usual." Or, "I knew we could count on you to undermine the pleasure of the moment."
Well, you could try being direct, looking him in the eye and saying innocently, "I'm confused - are you trying to make me feel bad?" Or "Why can't you just enjoy my daughter's moment in the sun?" Or, "Could you just spend a moment on the topic at hand, instead of spinning off elsewhere?"
Or you could be sarcastic, like "How helpful of you to point out our failings, as usual." Or, "I knew we could count on you to undermine the pleasure of the moment."
I have tried to say things like "Oh, I guess you don't approve of my choice. Maybe I should have consulted with you" or "Yes, so and so does have an interesting partner. But I was talking about something else." Most of the time the "dis'er" is clueless that anything they have said is in any way rude. But in general I say "oh, good for them." or "I am happy with what we are doing/picked, etc." And change the subject.
Its just a really unfortunate pattern of communication.
"Or your kid wins the spelling bee. 0h,she is a good speller. But do you know who has a really smart kid?So and so".
My answer to that is : well so and so didn't win the spelling bee.
Or yes you could just be blunt and ask them why they have to undermine you or as Cida said " are you trying to make me feel bad." OR just reply you don't really give a hoot about so and so.
"Or your kid wins the spelling bee. 0h,she is a good speller. But do you know who has a really smart kid?So and so".
My answer to that is : well so and so didn't win the spelling bee.
Or yes you could just be blunt and ask them why they have to undermine you or as Cida said " are you trying to make me feel bad." OR just reply you don't really give a hoot about so and so.
Good suggestions. I just wonder why anyone chooses to do this? The examples given are always something someone else is up to-- not anything they are doing directly. Its not a straight one upsmanship situation. They generally are a few people removed from the thing they are lauding. It just seems odd.
Just look them in the eye and say, in a flat, expressionless tone, "How nice for them". Or if they're comparing kids, just say, "Really - we need to introduce those two, since it sounds like they have a lot in common".
Then change the subject. Radically, as in, "What do you think about chickens?" - but ask that question as if you really, really want to know the answer.
Gets 'em every time. If they bridle and ask why you're changing the subject, just say that they know so much about everything that you thought they surely have some interesting opinions about chickens.
That is what my therapist says when my mother extolls virtues of my stepsister: oh, how wonderful for them then change the subject. That way, you have made a positive comment without specifics then change the subject because you really don’t care (my take). Btw, said stepsister is married to the man who molested my sister and me plus she had to get married in high school. The molester never apologized because back in those days it was all about the stepsister’s marriage.
Some people have to denigrate others to feel better about themselves. Great suggestions here.
My sisters MIL is like that. I used to be around her quite a bit myself a number of years ago. Sometimes you don't realize she's insulted you until later, or maybe I'm just slow. It's amazing the stuff she gets away with. She does it so effortlessly.
Shes is always buying stuff for my sister and her son at sales, garage sales, and thrift shops, some really good stuff. My sister has asked her nicely to stop buying her stuff, it's just too much. Then when she was cleaning out her house and getting rid of stuff she never uses her MIL says you have too much stuff, why do you have so much, you should really clean out your house more often .... A lot of it was stuff she bought her.
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