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I always thought it was okay to ask questions to better understand what someone was saying. I thought it demonstrated interest. But today someone was annoyed with me for doing so. I really don't understand what the problem was.
It happened at the gym before yoga class. A woman I know from the class has been studying to become a yoga teacher. It's a 200 hour course given at a private yoga studio. It's held over numerous weekends for the entire day on Saturday and Sunday. It's not difficult in the sense that you are tested on anything, but pretty intense in terms of the time commitment and a lot of info and yoga practice for over 8 hours a day back to back.
Today she remarked that she had one more weekend to go and was "ecstatic" about it. I asked whether she was ecstatic that she followed through on this interest and is now completing the goal or whether it's that she will no longer have this commitment that does take time and energy away from her weekends (she works full-time weekdays). She responded, "Don't you rain on my parade!" ??????? Conversation kind of stopped and then morphed into another topic.
I honestly don't see why it wasn't a reasonable question to ask. I guess most people would have just responded with "Wow" or "Great." But I'm not most people! I don't text, so I'm not used to one word responses. I've been accused of overthinking. I do admit I like longer thoughts and comments. I don't want to annoy/offend people but I can't help that my brain is active. If I wasn't actively listening to her and interested in what she was saying and feeling, I wouldn't have asked. I read stuff about having deeper conversations with people that are more than just banal exchanges, but do the majority of other people really want to go deeper?
In thinking about it, maybe she wasn't even sure of why she was ecstatic (whether it was the fact that she did it in the first place or whether it was that it was finally over). So perhaps I put her on the spot. But if that was the case, then why not respond, "Hmmm---not really sure---mixed feelings. I'll get back with you on that"?
And yeah, I understand it's a fast-paced world and that 10 minutes before yoga class isn't necessarily the time or place to discuss deep philosophical stuff. (I thought that college would be a place where we'd sit around talking about existentialism and the meaning of life---it wasn't---I just had to accept it.) But is it so off the wall to just ask a question that in no way was meant in a negative or judgmental way and was just to understand her better and where she was coming from?
I am exactly the same way and the vast majority appreciate someone who is such a listener, in a world full of only talkers. And like you said, to be interested and focused enough to want to truly understand what they are saying.
Some don't like it. It's a hard adjustment with my current 'bestie'. I don't think she cares if I really listen or understand. She certainly doesn't want my thoughts (or anyone else's) on whatever. She's just talking to talk, and so I've learned to just let her and say the appropriate wows and OMGs or whatever.
And she doesn't want to actively listen to me either. Or anyone else. Which blows but she is a good friend in so many other ways, I accept it.
This woman at the yoga glass just wanted you to say YAY! or whatever.
You're right---except that I'm not "vaunting myself into a preferable category." If it's preferable, it's only because it's who I am and how I want to be. It is not inherently preferable for other people or the world at large. Society hardly reveres contemplation/contemplatives.
But definitely, I will work on not "lobbing analytical questions at her the minute she shares something." I still don't see the question as judgmental, but I do appreciate the rest of your input.
That was a weird answer she gave you regardless of everything else.
In what universe is that "raining on her parade". Seems to me you were trying to engage her and be friendly on a less superficial level.
I would NEVER have been insulted by that; it's stupid.
Yoga.
I'm not surprised LOL.
Some people just love to pick a fight.
I always told my retail employees "NO JOKES!, People LOVE to get mad".
Sure enough, my manager...a sweet awesome 19 year old employee said "Nice Pants!" To a customer who was wearing the EXACT same pants as him - as he stepped out behind the register and pointed to his own.
He was in a good mood that day LOL.
The guy, OTOH, was furious.
The HILARIOUS thing is she's going to make a TERRIBLE yoga teacher and she probably has a TON of these conflicts going on in her life already.
Blow it off.
You're nicer than ME. I would have been all: "Dude. Go meditate or something because I was just wasting my time trying to be friendly, paranoid person."
Maybe she misinterpreted. Like someone above said.. It depends on the tone and manner that you said it. Don't read too much into it, asking questions is good and shows interest.sometimes people are in a rush or not in a talking mood, don't take it too personally
I would have had no trouble with your question, it shows you were interested in what she was saying.
I find her response odd.
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And I'm still wondering if Yoga Woman had already fielded complaints and criticism as she went through these intensive weekends. Like maybe her husband wasn't happy if she'd had little free time for him.
Thus, she'd been parading in the rain for weeks – and she heard the OP's questions as another soaking.
I'm thinking that a better way to respond to her would've been to say Congratulations and then, What are your plans now that you're done? Asking a more open ended question like that would be less closed off. But the question you asked limited her response to either of your preconceived ideas of what you think she should be feeling/thinking and therein lies the problem. Your follow up questions to people should be more general and open ended instead of you assuming they would only subscribe to your assumptions.
This OP makes me think of an acquaintance I have. She is a lovely woman- very caring and empathic. But she has a habit of asking questions that are just slightly "off" of the tone/vibe of the conversation. Not in a dramatic way... just subtle. The scenario the OP described immediately made me think of her because that is something she would ask.
It doesn't bother me because I know it stems from good intentions. But sometimes conversations with her feel like a mini-therapy session in that she often asks these "digging deeper" questions rather than just go-with-the-flow. I sometimes get the sense that she prefers to keep the focus on others rather than talk about herself, and this is a habit to do that. I enjoy deeper conversations, and quirky people, so I actually like her questions but I've noticed others can be caught slightly off-guard with them at times.
This sounds like my mother-in-law. She has a lot of issues - social anxiety, gullible to a fault, tends to dwell on the past. Socially, she's just a bit awkward, mostly because she wants to psychoanalyze everyone. She is obsessed with knowing how people "tick", and resents any group conversation, since it takes away from her one-on-one conversations. I never thought about it being because we wants to avoid focusing on herself, but that makes a lot of sense.
She whined to my husband when we first got together, because I didn't want to answer her millions of personal questions. He told her "she's not that deep", and she's left me alone since. Funny, but true.
I'm thinking that a better way to respond to her would've been to say Congratulations and then, What are your plans now that you're done? Asking a more open ended question like that would be less closed off. But the question you asked limited her response to either of your preconceived ideas of what you think she should be feeling/thinking and therein lies the problem. Your follow up questions to people should be more general and open ended instead of you assuming they would only subscribe to your assumptions.
I can't even tell you how much I love this response.
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