My brother-in-law chooses to be homeless... (husband, member, attractive, relatives)
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My brother-in-law is homeless by choice. He is in his mid 30's and has never really had a job for longer than a month. He is an "alcoholic," but my husband disagrees and just says he "likes drinking." He has stayed at our house for days at a time without alcohol without any signs of withdrawal...just a pissy attitude because we wouldn't buy him beer. You would also think that someone who is an alcoholic would have a high tolerance for alcohol, but he starts getting drunk off of his second beer, even something like a Bud Light...
Anyway...
Off and on, he has lived "on the street." For a while, he was living with my mother-in-law after her husband passed away. She's in her 70's and is pretty mobile and independent, but she does have some health issues. She liked having someone there to help her with certain things (she's practically deaf, so she needs help with phone calls and such, and she liked having someone help her bring groceries in or move things around or whatever) and to keep her company. She's never been a big fan of his drinking, but she "budged" on her previous rule (no drinking in her house) and said she didn't really care if he drank as long as he didn't bother her. She gave him $10-$20 a day for cigarettes, beer, whatever he wanted. He had a place to live for free, and she paid for all of his food, etc.
He eventually moved out and moved onto the streets in "his city," which is about an hour away.
He got into some legal trouble there and ended up having to do five months in jail ("assault with a deadly weapon" -- apparently him and another guy got into a drunken argument, and he threw a beer bottle at his head). While he was in jail, my husband and I told him that he could stay with us when he got out of jail. He wouldn't have to pay any rent, but he would have to look for a job. If he couldn't find a job, he'd have to go to school to get his GED. We also told him he could only drink on weekends. We also promised that if he did get a job, we'd match what he saved to get on his feet up to $2,000. He said no...that he doesn't want a job because he gets what he needs from playing guitar on the street.
Fine. He's been out of jail and living on the streets for about a month now. Husband got up with him earlier this week and asked if he wanted us to pick him up for Thanksgiving. He told him he could stay with us the night before Thanksgiving, have T-giving dinner with us and his mom, then we would take him back "home." Brother-in-law asked if we would buy him cigarettes and beer. My husband told him we'd buy him a pack of cigarettes but that we wouldn't be buying any beer. Brother-in-law said no, he didn't want to spend the night with us then. Hubs then asked if he just wanted him to pick him up on Thanksgiving day (which was a big inconvenience for us, really...it would've been much easier to pick him up the night before), and he said yes.
When hubs texted BIL's friend (his friend knows how to get up with BIL, who doesn't have a phone) about what time and where to pick him up for T-giving dinner, friend said that BIL told him to tell us that "I'll just stick around here."
Hubby is really upset. His brother is choosing to be homeless. He is in his mid-30's and is able-bodied. The charge he recently went to jail for was reduced to a misdemeanor, so he has no felonies. He could get a job. He has multiple family members who he could live with and who would help him out. He doesn't want to...he wants to live on the street. My husband worries constantly. What are we supposed to do?
It's difficult to know if your BIL is choosing to be homeless or not. This sounds more like a mental illness to me.
No matter how "functioning" he may appear.
It probably wouldn't hurt for him to see a Psychiatrist/Counselor just in case.
Maybe order him an Obamaphone. It's not really an Obamaphone as it was a program put in place prior. It I is a free cell phone mailed thru lifeline. He should have one for his safety. I cannot offer any further advice except he is an adult who is choosing this way of life. Maybe pray for him but otherwise, he is not your child. He is your BIL and you guys are more than supportive of him. He is blessed to have you
What are you supposed to do? Leave him to live on the street.
It's his choice. There are a lot of people who live on the street who are homeless by choice. They get to live without working. No one tells them what to do. They are provided with free food, free shelter, and free clothing. People they don't know give them money that they don't have to do anything for except to sit around holding their hand out.
It doesn't sound very attractive to me, but it appeals to a large number of people. Your brother in law likes the life. He likes staying drunk. He likes having no responsibilities. You can't change who people are. Until he decides on his own that he has had enough of it, he won't change the way he lives.
You can take him a good weather proof winter coat every year and hope he doesn't sell it to buy booze. Occassionally remind him that you will take him in if he stops drinking. Other than that, he is an adult who makes his own choices.
Please get in touch with Al-Anon, which is for relatives and friends of alcoholics. Contacting NAMI - the National Association for the Mentally Ill - would also be helpful. There is a fine line between helping and enabling, and both organizations can help you perceive that line and understand how people with alcohol issues typically think and feel. It is very different from normal perceptions and thought processes.
People with advanced alcoholism lose their tolerance for alcohol and thus can get drunk on one or two drinks.
Are there homeless shelters in the community where your brother-in-law lives? Perhaps they could assist him - but he would have to accept their help.
If you think he is a danger to himself or to others, he can be committed for 48 hours to be assessed. If he is a veteran, the VA hospitals offer detox and follow-up care. But once again, unless he is a danger, it will have to be his call.
I am sorry for your situation. I have friends in similar straits with troubled relatives, and it can be heart-breaking.
Many homeless have some degree of mental illness...agree with below, other than a psych eval, nothing further you can do...except live your life.
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Originally Posted by Cyclist1968
It's difficult to know if your BIL is choosing to be homeless or not. This sounds more like a mental illness to me.
No matter how "functioning" he may appear.
It probably wouldn't hurt for him to see a Psychiatrist/Counselor just in case.
Maybe order him an Obamaphone. It's not really an Obamaphone as it was a program put in place prior. It I is a free cell phone mailed thru lifeline. He should have one for his safety. I cannot offer any further advice except he is an adult who is choosing this way of life. Maybe pray for him but otherwise, he is not your child. He is your BIL and you guys are more than supportive of him. He is blessed to have you
What are you supposed to do? Leave him to live on the street.
There are a lot of people who live on the street who are homeless by choice. They get to live without working. No one tells them what to do. They are provided with free food, free shelter, and free clothing. People they don't know give them money that they don't have to do anything for except to sit around holding their hand out.
Spoken like someone who's never been homeless. Most homeless people don't want to be homeless, and many of them are disabled, not too lazy to work. It amazes me how smug and judgmental people can be. Guess blaming the victim is easier than acknowledging that the system we live in is messed up.
OP, your brother-in-law may have mental health issues, or maybe he actually does prefer to be homeless. Either way, he's an adult and only he can control his behavior. You've made a good faith effort to help, and that is all you can do. Good luck.
What are you supposed to do? Nothing. This is a choice he is making.
You will hear a lot about addiction and mental illness. Which may be the case. Or he may just be lazy and happy with a life of zero responsibility and a low threshold for meeting his needs (shelter = tent).
Sometimes people make bad decisions because they are alcoholics and sometimes they make bad decisions and just happen to be alcoholics also.
Please get in touch with Al-Anon, which is for relatives and friends of alcoholics. Contacting NAMI - the National Association for the Mentally Ill - would also be helpful. There is a fine line between helping and enabling, and both organizations can help you perceive that line and understand how people with alcohol issues typically think and feel. It is very different from normal perceptions and thought processes.
People with advanced alcoholism lose their tolerance for alcohol and thus can get drunk on one or two drinks.
Are there homeless shelters in the community where your brother-in-law lives? Perhaps they could assist him - but he would have to accept their help.
Homeless shelters---at least in my area---will only take you if you have a job!
If you think he is a danger to himself or to others, he can be committed for 48 hours to be assessed. If he is a veteran, the VA hospitals offer detox and follow-up care. But once again, unless he is a danger, it will have to be his call.
I am sorry for your situation. I have friends in similar straits with troubled relatives, and it can be heart-breaking.
Also, someone mentioned buying him a "nice" jacket. I've found, with my son, if I buy him something "nice" he somehow "loses" it. He's just selling it for drugs, whatever I found I had to buy him an old, ratty, but warm jacket from a thrift store for him to actually keep it!
My husband worries constantly. What are we supposed to do?
Tell your husband that he is to not help his brother anymore until he decides to change his way. YOU stick with that. The ONLY way to make people change is to let them know that YOU are no longer a "Lifeline" that you are not going to help them unless THEY decide to change. If they don't "Good luck and God help you because we won't" and then you leave him be...
DON'T BACK DOWN EITHER.....This is tough love and it has to be TOUGH or otherwise it's useless.
BTW, I live out of my van by choice. But in my case I am able to work (Currently recovering from hip surgery) and really looking forward to getting back into working (Have $12K in debt to pay back OUCH! )
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I found I had to buy him an old, ratty, but warm jacket from a thrift store for him to actually keep it!
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