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I have always pondered this, back in the days people used to have long term/life friendships, not only that, people had loyalty in those friendships also. my question is what has caused the end of this, I haven't ever had one, I've put in effort, but the effort hasn't been given back and because of this, I have given up on some people, whilst on the other hand, some people I know, have long term/life friendships and I have always envied that, I want a long term/life friendship, how about do I go about obtaining that? I want people who are loyal to me, what to do, and why is this trend the case?
You're looking at two different trends. "Back in the day" people were less mobile... .maybe people had one car, if that, they would become friends in the neighborhood. Find things in common and perhaps stay close (or not). They had time with little distraction and lots of time. No internet and did I mention time? (Haaaa)
Maybe these friendships offered what they wanted, maybe there were many to choice from, more opportunity to find like minded friends.
The actual connection with friends, meeting and creating friendship is a separate topic from the trend of friendships in the past... though making connections, making a friend and continuing the friendship for however long you can was/ is the foundation for all friendships.
There are many different friendships and how long they last cannot be foretold truly. Getting to know someone, discovering who they are should be the focus. It's the journey, not the destination.... is just as true for friendships as it is for journeys through life.
The best thing you can do to make good friends is to discover your joys and interest and peruse them. Meet people along this journey, get to know people and invite others to join you in activities or to your home or ?? If they don't accept, no worries. Keep seeking those who might.
Now, this is both too short (about 150 thousand+ more ideas left out!) and too long! (wordy and the past as long as it is, hardly covers the subject!)
One practical suggestion: when you are chatting with someone, ask they open-ended quesrltions. Listen to their answers and ask follow-up questions. People enjoy being able to talk about THEMSELVES. I always thought about what I was going to share and hoped they would "like" me. But truly people like talking about themselves, so give them a chance and be a good listener. And next time you see them, ask them another follow-up question.
Make acquaintances- among these you will find casual friends. Among casual friends you'll find good friends, some of which will have the potential to be life-time friends. We never know who will be those or if any. But all friends, short-term or longer, add to our lives.
P.S... If you do not find friends as you peruse your interests, at least you'll find something to share when someone's asks, "What do you do?"
As far as loyalty goes... you find that over time. You observe how others treat you and they observe you too. And as time goes by, talking about deeper issues like loyalty can tell you a lot! All this takes.... time!
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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What are you looking for? I have various friends and acquaintances that serve different purposes.
I don't equate lifelong friend with someone who is loyal and trustworthy. However, finding someone to trust does take some time...not a lifetime, though.
I also think it depends on which stage of life your in. When I was raising kids, I just did not have the time or energy to maintain or develop deep friendships. Now that my kids are older, I have more time to get involved in my community and causes I care about and that has allowed me to make good friends.
Things are different these days. We don't stay in the same town from birth to death. I had several very good friends back in my 20's and we stayed that way into our 40's. However life happens and we started to have less and less in common. Then when hubby died I got not a card or phone call from either of these two formerly close friends and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 8 months later the one friend that did live where I did never called, sent flowers, nothing and he was friends with one of my other relatives so he knew about the situation. I dropped both of them after that although it was sad.
Of course can't speak for "most cases", just my own. Can't recall any of my few "long term friends" being disloyal or betraying me. If one did, I was too dense to notice . So far, the friendships that didn't last usually just drifted away because the two of us no longer had as much in common. Due to career moves, most of my friendships are long distance, so we are used to maintaining them in that way. There was no single action that ended them, just a slow erosion that wasn't anyone's fault. A couple of times I felt forgotten, but usually when I thought it through realized there was no ill intent. No insults, slights, loss of respect, nothing, just time and circumstances.
Loyalty and friendship takes effort on both sides. Despite time and distance, change in life circumstances, and passing off the very minor little idiocies we all fall in to. When I do something unintentionally too human I have no problem apologizing for it. Doing small simple things to show someone I care about them without expecting a return. I would never betray a friend unless they had become some horrible predator with no morals. None have ever come close to such a thing.
Sometimes I think that people's definition of true friendship is what has changed. They expect constant check-ins because its now possible to do it. Instant gratifications, acknowledgements, little ego boosts 24/7/365. When someone doesn't comply, they feel slighted and insulted. Now that they can supposedly cut someone's communication off instantly, they drop the entire person instantly. They seem to define the friendship based on moments, not years. What people decide they must be insulted about also seems so much more petty, but maybe that's my age speaking.
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-31-2017 at 01:45 AM..
My longest lasting friend (going on 45 years now - we were five years old when we became friends) has actually betrayed me twice, and I've done her wrong a couple of times and we have gone a few periods of a few years without speaking but we've always worked it out eventually.
We don't actually have a lot in common except our whole lives. Funny how that works out.
I have several friends I've known school... high school... a few since elementary school.
Sometimes the best way to keep friends for the long term is don't expect too much from them all the time. Don't make them a duty, we're all grown ups now, our lives have enough other duties that can sometimes take precedence. Life ebbs and flows... we may go awhile without talking too much, and then we get together and catch up.
I have always pondered this, back in the days people used to have long term/life friendships, not only that, people had loyalty in those friendships also. my question is what has caused the end of this, I haven't ever had one, I've put in effort, but the effort hasn't been given back and because of this, I have given up on some people, whilst on the other hand, some people I know, have long term/life friendships and I have always envied that, I want a long term/life friendship, how about do I go about obtaining that? I want people who are loyal to me, what to do, and why is this trend the case?
Having lifelong friends from childhood, doesn't make them any better than anyone else. Sometimes these types of people like to boast about their friendships. They may believe their friends are loyal, but it may not be the truth. I start avoiding people who boast about how many friends they have or talk constantly about their "bestie".
I knew a guy in college who boasted about having tons of friends. Then, he got arrested and called everyone he knew, and none of them would pay his bail, which was only about $100. I thought it was freaking hilarious.
I also want loyalty in friendships but have had many of them talk about me behind my back, or betray confidences. That's not something I can accept.
People change. Their interests may drift apart from their former friends', or their character may change. Also, people with kids tend to revolve around their spouse and kids, aside from work, and these days, work can be more demanding of time than in the past. Also, it takes effort to maintain a friendship. Some people assume friendships will take care of themselves, but they require a time investment occasionally, to maintain the bond.
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