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I know you are already proud of your father but now you can be even more proud, knowing that despite having such a hard start in life; he became such a great man.
Too bad it didn't have the same effect on your uncle.
Ignore the uncle. I have family members I rarely see except for weddings and funerals. For me it is important to have a sociable relationship so that I can spend a day or so with them without problems.
However, that's it. I don't invite them to see me and they don't invite me to see them. I am 60 years old and have seen enough unpleasant drama over the years to avoid it whenever possible.
First of all, excuse me for any errors in english language because I'm french. As the title says, my uncle lacked respect about my attachment for my deceased father and it really hurt me. My father really was my hero and I love him with all my heart so it was devastative when he passed away 6 years ago because of cancer.
Fast forward to a few months ago. One of my uncles (with whom I'm not close and we barely know each other) came to my mother's house with his wife. I was here so we spoke for a few hours. When they were kids, my uncle was "friend" with my father. I put "friends" in quotes because they respectively had other friends, they only hung out occasionally and since I was born, I never saw them hang out together. My father almost never went to his home and he almost never came to our home. Maybe one or two times in 20 years. They also both lived in poverty when they were kids, and my father even more.
So we were tchatting and he began to talk about how poor my father was. But it wasn't with compassion, it was almost disdain. At one point her wife even smirked when he was telling details about how poor my father was. Naturally, I felt a bit upset about this and when my mother joined the conversation I asked to change the subject and my uncle replied curtly "Yes, he lived in misery, that's the truth!"...I was flabbergasted.
First of all, it's not about truth or not, I know that my father was poor when he was a kid, it's about respecting people's feelings and respecting when the son of a deceased father asks to change the subject because it saddens him. And my uncle lived in poverty too as a kid, it's not as if he grew up in Beverly Hills. Shortly after that, I left the house without saying goodbye to them. Apparently it's not the first time he tries to belittle some people. His brother for instance (who is way nicer and respectful than him) told me that he went to his house once and he swore never to return because he told me that he belittled him all night. He told me that despite the fact hat he is his brother, he prefer to stay away from him because he's too arrogant and condescending. Anyway, I'm really hurt about his behavior because like I said, my father really was my hero and he was a gentle, kind person who never talked bad about anyone.
What do you guys think? Do you also think that it was cruel and disrespectful?
Thanks you for your opinions because his arrogant behavior really hurt me.
Yes, it was cruel and disrespectful. He sounds like a very insecure person who has to belittle others in order to make himself feel better.
Take what he said about your father and just throw it in the trash heap where it belongs.
Do NOT allow yourself to be hurt by someone with such little respect for others. Forgive him in your heart and be done with it. This little episode only serves as a contrast in what a gentle, kind person is (your father, your hero) and what it most certainly is not (your uncle.)
Peace to you. I'm sorry you no longer have your father physically around you, but he is ever present in your life and in your heart. Love is most powerful thing there is.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Obviously there was a reason that your father had little to do with this man. You can't change what happened (you could have spoken up or left the room) but going forward you certainly don't have to spend any time with this insensitive man.
First of all, excuse me for any errors in english language because I'm french. As the title says, my uncle lacked respect about my attachment for my deceased father and it really hurt me. My father really was my hero and I love him with all my heart so it was devastative when he passed away 6 years ago because of cancer.
Fast forward to a few months ago. One of my uncles (with whom I'm not close and we barely know each other) came to my mother's house with his wife. I was here so we spoke for a few hours. When they were kids, my uncle was "friend" with my father. I put "friends" in quotes because they respectively had other friends, they only hung out occasionally and since I was born, I never saw them hang out together. My father almost never went to his home and he almost never came to our home. Maybe one or two times in 20 years. They also both lived in poverty when they were kids, and my father even more.
So we were tchatting and he began to talk about how poor my father was. But it wasn't with compassion, it was almost disdain. At one point her wife even smirked when he was telling details about how poor my father was. Naturally, I felt a bit upset about this and when my mother joined the conversation I asked to change the subject and my uncle replied curtly "Yes, he lived in misery, that's the truth!"...I was flabbergasted.
First of all, it's not about truth or not, I know that my father was poor when he was a kid, it's about respecting people's feelings and respecting when the son of a deceased father asks to change the subject because it saddens him. And my uncle lived in poverty too as a kid, it's not as if he grew up in Beverly Hills. Shortly after that, I left the house without saying goodbye to them. Apparently it's not the first time he tries to belittle some people. His brother for instance (who is way nicer and respectful than him) told me that he went to his house once and he swore never to return because he told me that he belittled him all night. He told me that despite the fact hat he is his brother, he prefer to stay away from him because he's too arrogant and condescending. Anyway, I'm really hurt about his behavior because like I said, my father really was my hero and he was a gentle, kind person who never talked bad about anyone.
What do you guys think? Do you also think that it was cruel and disrespectful?
Thanks you for your opinions because his arrogant behavior really hurt me.
Yes, you have every right to feel the way that you do. Your uncle was behaving badly in my opinion, especially when he refused to change the subject. The loss of your father is always going to be a painful memory, and for someone to disrespect our loved ones hurts.
Hopefully they will not be visiting you and your mother much, since they never visited much in the past. This shows you that not only was your father a loving and gentle father and husband.....he was also protective and smart....and likely tried to keep this mean relative away from you.
I would make sure to go back to your mothers house and talk with her about why you left abruptly. Make sure she and you have each other to talk to about your dad and anything. Perhaps even discuss with your mom how you might want to be able to ask this uncle to leave next time he behaves so disrespectfully....that way you are both prepared if this jerk repeats this behavior.
It sounds like your uncle might be trying to find out if there is anything he can gain from your father's estate.....have you thought of that? Make sure you and your mom guard against hateful people like this uncle.
Still, all manor of sin and nonsense, and equally love and good times, comes with familial ties. No one escapes dealing with the full range of experiences.
Thank you very much to all of you who have been supportive. You can't imagine how touched I am. When I read all of your messages of support about this situation and your condolences to my father, I had to stop reading a moment to cry. I don't cry for anything and everything but you guys really touched my heart, thank you very much for your understanding and you support. I really mean it.
What was also difficult about this situation is that my uncle is the older brother of my mother and she kinda used to look up to him since he has this demeanor of domineering, controlling attitude. Even when her other brother told her about that time when he belittled him all night, she still found excuses to rationalize his behavior.
And she also found excuses for him when he disrespected me and my attachment to my father. My mother is not insensitive or mean but she's so used to see him as his authoritarian older brother that she can find excuses for anything he says or does. So when I read that you all think exactly like me and that you also thought that his behavior was cruel and demeaning, it really touched me.
I wrote a Facebook message to one of my uncle's sons to tell him that his father disrespected me and my attachment for my father and that since he could be that disrespectul, I prefer for us to not speak to each other anymore. I feel way better now and like a knife has been removed from my heart because like I said, it really hurt me.
You're welcome to give me your thoughts and opinions about the fact that I sent a message to one of my uncle's sons. I think I did the right thing in order to stand up for myself and put some boundaries, like you were all saying. And for those of you who have been through the same situation and also stood up for your deceased relative, you can be proud of you. Again, thank you very much to each and everyone of you who have been supportive. You really have stopped my pain with your words of support and understanding.
It really doesn't matter if we think it was cruel or disrespectful. He's an adult, he may have known your father more realistically than you did, and he's entitled to his opinion.
Sure... he's entitled to feel any way he wants; but a man with any class or sensitivity at all would keep his negative opinions to himself in a situation like that - and if he is crass and crude enough to denigrate the man in front of his son, then he's an insensitive oaf, and it's entirely appropriate for us to say so.
OP, I'm very sorry you were subjected to such unkindness - but hopefully you can take some solace in knowing that every time your uncle opens his mouth and speaks poorly of your father, he is telling you (without even realizing it himself) what a fine, respectable man your father was in comparison, and validating your pride in him.
Yep, totally rude. But guess what? He doesn't signify. He's some guy you barely know. Chalk him up as a loser and a terrible person and avoid any contact with him going forward.
What does your mother think about all this?
Also, condolences on the loss of your father. I'm sure this just exacerbated your pain at his loss.
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