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So my ex from 15+ years ago have been talking occasionally for the past couple years. Maybe twice on the phone, but pretty frequent texts and emails (once a month or so).
I wasn't really comfortable with it from the beginning, as I sort of ostensibly considered it a "hi, how are ya" catch-up thing that would not be repeated. But he kept communicating with me and sometimes I would answer, sometimes I wouldn't. I knew he had a girlfriend who knew about our past relationship- which had been pretty heavy- and would have been jealous had she known about our talking again. That made me very uncomfortable and I would ask him to tell her but he assured me they had a close loving relationship (which really doesn't matter to me, I think its still crummy to do) or dodged my comments all together.
Anyway, he seemed to get the hint and we didn't really talk for a few months. Fine by me. But then he texted me saying that she had, without explanation, said their relationship was over, that she didn't love him anymore and hadn't in years and was throwing him out of their mutual home. This was a few months ago. I agreed to talk to him on the phone once or twice and it was obvious he was gutted. Her name was on everything and so she had all the power, and according to him has asked him to leave even tho he spent money on this large outbuilding, the yard, improvements etc. with no financial compensation.
SO, I felt bad for him, and allowed more communication since he was obviously not in a relationship and tho I was, I let my boyfriend know and he was ok with it.
UNTIL my ex started getting angry at all women and general and actually texted me something to the effect that "I should have treated you worse, all women just use men" etc. I shut him down immediately to the effect of, "ok, then solve your own damn problems" and he got all weepy and apologetic- and there have been nothing but problems since.
He is suicidal, i get it. He feels taken for a ride by his ex- ok, i get that. I am trying to be a friend, but he demands we speak "because he needs my wisdom" but my present boyfriend was not at all happy that he insulted me after all I had tried to do for him.
Mind you- we live 2000 miles apart. I have given him every version of advice I know to give. And it got to the point where every time I saw his name pop up on my email or text I would get a stomach ache. I mean, the guy just wants to whine constantly about how terrible women are and I don't want to hear it anymore. I didn't like the fact that he didn't tell his ex about our communication, and I he was always a blamer, he never took responsibility for stuff but blamed other people. And that screams through his every communication and I am just simply sick of it.
The thing too is that I work with the public and I get very, very drained. I am one of those people that others love to share their problems with- which is beautiful, but tiring, and I had been going through a serious period of drain, and told my ex so. I said, "we can't really talk right now because first of all our hours are different and frankly right now my psychic load is too much. I need a rest". So what does he do? Ignores my pleas and continues sending me 5 and 6 texts at a time, and emails, walls of long-winded text because he said "ive worn my other friends out". Kyeah. I'll bet.
So a few days ago I had had enough. He asked AGAIN if we could talk because he really needed a friend, but I just sort of exploded a little. I told him that i wasn't going to say anything that I had not said before, that I was drained, and could not do this anymore, and my boyfriend was also not happy that he has been unkind to me (the "I should have treated you worse" spiel) and that I would have to do it behind his back which I refused to do. All of this ire just poured out of me. I had had enough. He wrote back but I deleted it, unread.
Now I feel bad.
Should I have given the guy a break? Am I just being, like women are often wont to do, too nice? I don't know. Its kind of starting to weigh on me just as much as his dumping on me and I feel like maybe I overshot. And I also feel annoyed that ANY of this is happening, that this "hi-how-are-you" turned into all this. I mean, he is my ex for a reason, and I have learned an important lesson in contacting exes.
Let it, & him go. It's a past experience & your gut is trying to tell you. It's not your problem, it's his. Don't allow him to destroy your current relationship.
His behavior sounds to me like the guy has developed a nasty drug or drinking problem that he hasn't told you about (unless you already knew about it?) and the abusive attitude of a self-centered malcontent to go along with it. He's probably contacting you because nobody else will listen to his tiresome 'poor me' moaning and whining anymore.
Ditch that loser permanently and do it now, tell him you don't want to ever hear from him again and then cease all future communication with him without any further explanation. Do not respond.
I'll repeat that ..... DO NOT RESPOND.
You don't owe him anything and you have somebody much more important to concern yourself with ..... that is if you want to keep your kind and patient boyfriend. He may say it's okay but it really isn't, and what else is he supposed to say? If you continue communicating with the ex you are jeapordizing the relationship with your boyfriend because a decent boyfriend can only put up with so much of that kind of nonsense before he loses patience with you and walks away from you permanently.
His behavior sounds to me like the guy has developed a nasty drug or drinking problem that he hasn't told you about (unless you already knew about it?) and the abusive attitude of a self-centered malcontent to go along with it. He's probably contacting you because nobody else will listen to his tiresome 'poor me' moaning and whining anymore.
Ditch that loser permanently and do it now, tell him you don't want to ever hear from him again and then cease all future communication with him without any further explanation. Do not respond.
I'll repeat that ..... DO NOT RESPOND.
You don't owe him anything and you have somebody much more important to concern yourself with ..... that is if you want to keep your kind and patient boyfriend. He may say it's okay but it really isn't, and what else is he supposed to say? If you continue communicating with the ex you are jeapordizing the relationship with your boyfriend because a decent boyfriend can only put up with so much of that kind of nonsense before he loses patience with you and walks away from you permanently.
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Ha. FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT. Its the EXACT reason I left him 16 years ago- he became addicted to cocaine and we almost lost our house.
Color me stupid, but I had not even entertained that idea. And the bit about my current boyfriend SAYING he is ok with it when maybe he really isn't....another great point.
See, this is why I ask QUESTIONS OF TOTAL STRANGERS.
Thank you!
I'm tired of him and I've never met the guy. Let him go. He's a user and will move on to someone else now that you've ditched him. No wonder his girlfriend kicked him out. I wonder what her side of the story is.
Really-you know the answers you're going to get from the majority here.
Not only STOP communicating with him in any way but Block his number so he can't text or call you. End of story. End of problem.
Rather than simply disappearing, which you admit is making you feel a bit guilty, send him one last one telling him you can't do this anymore and that you're cutting communication. Wish him well and then block, etc.
Ha. FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT. Its the EXACT reason I left him 16 years ago- he became addicted to cocaine and we almost lost our house.
Color me stupid, but I had not even entertained that idea. And the bit about my current boyfriend SAYING he is ok with it when maybe he really isn't....another great point.
See, this is why I ask QUESTIONS OF TOTAL STRANGERS.
Thank you!
Try to figure out why you allowed him to emotionally manipulate you again. There are plenty of online sites regarding co-dependency, and such.
Question: Your last sentence in your OP said that you'd learned a lot about contacting your ex....Did you initiate contact? Why?
You really need to figure out your dependency issues, because it will continue to effect every relationship until you do.
The guilt is part of your emotional addiction to him.
Gere are just a few of the online sites that may be helpful. For additional, simply search "co-dependency"
Block him on every form of communication, and move on. It will be freeing and it will feel great. I had a similar experience a few years ago, an ex contacted me and initially it was a catch-up thing, which I just sort of gritted my teeth and put up with until the bitter, women-hating nonsense started coming out at all hours of night and day. Deleted/blocked/gone.
You owe him nothing and his problems are not yours to worry about it. Just do it.
Rather than simply disappearing, which you admit is making you feel a bit guilty, send him one last one telling him you can't do this anymore and that you're cutting communication. Wish him well and then block, etc.
I disagree! It is entirely too easy to say "Well, OK, just one more..." again and again and again and...
You get the idea.
Just stop, NOW! He can not take advantage of you unless you allow it. You "owe" him nothing, so there is nothing to feel guilty about.
Just stop, and block his communications wherever possible.
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