How common is it for the mother to be the violent one in the household? (wife, spouse)
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I'm a woman in my early 30's and my parents are still married. This might be weird but during my whole childhood years all the way to my early teen years, only my mother was the violent one that would fly into uncontrollable rages. My father never reported her.
I saw every single episode when I was a kid. That whole time, my father would remain silent waiting for her to calm down. He never hit her but only try restraining her a couple times to get her to stop scratching him. Once it was all worked out, she would always end up apologizing, till one day she admitted she needed help; the day she got into anger management and the violence was gone for good.
Not sure how common this is but I think this is a rare case. In addition, my father never even spanked any of us; he was the good guy. I never shared this with any of my friends. I have a feeling most people are going to think that's weird and they would have a hard time believing such a sweet lady would be capable of doing that. Not sure if I'm one of the few people that grew up in a violent household where it was only my mother being the violent one.
Here's one that suggests that women engage in violence in the civilian community 16% of the time, and in the military community 23% of the time. It is not that uncommon.
It happened to me, not once but twice. I am a hetero male and a feminist to boot. I support equality and mutuality. I don't hit and don't commit violence. I've been perpetrated against. It's out there.
My wife had a bit of an anger problem. She abused my oldest son which ultimately destroyed him. She abused me too (not physically - I'm no weakling). I tried stopping her, restraining her and so on all to no avail. I did manage to protect him some when I was home. It wasn't bad enough to report though (or so I thought). Only once he had taken his life did she admit to have been too harsh on him.
I have seen other mothers being overly harsh on their small kids though. Smacking included.
Proven fact that women commit the majority (over 50%) of domestic violence. Most of that is abuse of boys in a single parent household. I'm one of those boys. I was also abused by an older sister (10 years older). No one asked me who I wanted to live with in the bogus (fake) child custody proceedings.
And your point is?? Or are you a time keeper IRL? You do realize a person's imprint of who they are is formed in their childhood?
Yes, I understand.
Your commentary on how things played out, both legally (including choice of where to live, and how and when that's offered), as well as abuse reporting and abuse laws, were all significantly different in the 60s than they are today. You made your reply as if these issues you speak of regarding your childhood are as applicable today as they were when ypou were a child. They are not.
Trust me, I was a child in the 70s, nobody gave a second thought to yelling at or even swatting a child - even in public. And not just boys, that's for sure. I mean states were just then even finishing up illegalizing teachers hitting students, much less relatives hitting kids. And the yelling? OMG. Reporting abuse? Now that was rare as hell. And even when it was reported...well, let us just again say the laws are different.
You should be honest when replying and mention your posts are based on very old laws.
I think it’s more common than gets talked about. Honestly I have the worse temper in our relationship, though nothing notable or abusive. But I’m a more explosive anger type than my husband, who is a seether/stewer. I holler and shout and get irritated - and more quickly. But I also diffuse a lot faster than him and don’t hold grudges or let things fester.
It takes all kinds, but uncontrolled anger and acting on that anger in a parent of either sex is an unhealthy dynamic for a family, and needs addressing.
I know a family in which the mom was the abuser, and the dad was the battered spouse. The two girls who grew up in that situation not only left the family household as soon as they could (college), they both moved to another country, where they eventually found jobs and settled down. They got as far away from their mother as they could.
Laws might have changed, but behaviors have not. Divorce is MUCH more common now than it was then. Courts overwhelmingly award custody to the female. That provides much more opportunity for abuse of boys w/o the father there to intervene.
The uncommonality of my situation back then only served to compound my frustration w/ the situation. There were no friends to talk to about this. And, of course, when I tried I was shamed a lot like what was tried here.
You imply I've been sleeping since then. I worked as a professional inside of people's homes. I'm not going to engage you anymore. You're insulting my intelligence and appear to be trolling here.
No one shamed you here but you have an agenda and are extraordinarily angry. I never implied you have been sleeping or unaware. You have come on here like gangbusters with your own accusatory tone and I am answering you I hope reasonably. Your past situation is NOT every child's situation and girls get abused too, and fathers (bio fathers) abuse too...your agenda is very personally slanted, I believe because all these years later you are still in pain. But lashing out and being extremist won't help today's children either.
Do women abuse? Yes. And men. How common is it...I believe abuse is more common than ANYONE lets on, whether it is a mother, father or someone else doing it. I don't think it is a secret that mothers abuse, and definitely not just little boys. I can promise you that.
I wonder what any of this has to do with a romantic relationships forum?
Your commentary on how things played out, both legally (including choice of where to live, and how and when that's offered), as well as abuse reporting and abuse laws, were all significantly different in the 60s than they are today. You made your reply as if these issues you speak of regarding your childhood are as applicable today as they were when ypou were a child. They are not.
Trust me, I was a child in the 70s, nobody gave a second thought to yelling at or even swatting a child - even in public. And not just boys, that's for sure. I mean states were just then even finishing up illegalizing teachers hitting students, much less relatives hitting kids. And the yelling? OMG. Reporting abuse? Now that was rare as hell. And even when it was reported...well, let us just again say the laws are different.
You should be honest when replying and mention your posts are based on very old laws.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
No one shamed you here but you have an agenda and are extraordinarily angry. I never implied you have been sleeping or unaware. You have come on here like gangbusters with your own accusatory tone and I am answering you I hope reasonably. Your past situation is NOT every child's situation and girls get abused too, and fathers (bio fathers) abuse too...your agenda is very personally slanted, I believe because all these years later you are still in pain. But lashing out and being extremist won't help today's children either.
Do women abuse? Yes. And men. How common is it...I believe abuse is more common than ANYONE lets on, whether it is a mother, father or someone else doing it. I don't think it is a secret that mothers abuse, and definitely not just little boys. I can promise you that.
I wonder what any of this has to do with a romantic relationships forum?
JerZ, I will speak for what I noted in your responses to Blueskiesfromrain. I don't think there was an angry agenda - your first comments to BSFR were invalidating, diminishing, and critical based on your appraisal of BSFR's commentary - 'that was half-century or so ago'; this is followed up with a comment 'you should be honest when replying and mention your posts are based on very old laws,' which in itself suggests there is a lack of honesty or that laws nowadays may be better than those from long ago, and we closed those loopholes. This is particularly noted when you state 'You made your reply as if these issues you speak of regarding your childhood are as applicable today as they were when you were a child. They are not,' (they actually are applicable today, but that's a whole different watermelon of a topic).
In reading your posts here, you are able to affirm it is in truth no better today than in the past, but the OP is making a point that the abuse of boys / men is prevalent, and based on research, the only thing that has changed is reporting. Research findings are based on qualitative reports as BSFR offers and from other personal anecdotes. It is not uncommon and once we have qualitative data, we can extract objective standards (statistics, percentages, and other fascinating numbers) to discuss frequency, prevalence, and other commonalities and/or peculiarities in these reports and acknowledge it as a common/uncommon problem.
I have been a victim advocate for decades, and regularly discuss with folks their abuse histories - there is more than appears in most data sets because people don't report it and family's diminish the impact. There is a common mindset 'no one understands,' and when this is applied to cases of males being victimized, they more commonly withdraw and recant. The one case prominent for me is when I had worked with a man who was threatened with knives and being violently violated in his sleep - it didn't add up to much comfort until he was put in a safe house with his children, and protected against a very ornery woman who soon became his ex-wife. And this was broadly supported by HER family, because cash and support were prominent in the picture. She was a very intelligent, well-versed, polished person who's family would be available during police interviews and would support a fabricated report of her offering a counter-attack against his violence. And given scenarios of mutual combat/aggressors, these stories are more common than those where men are the simple victims of DV.
I don't think BSFR had an angry agenda or came out like gangbusters as much as was providing a very personal POV on an overlooked subject. Guys DON'T talk about it, they ARE perceived as wimps, the abuse IS more often than not swept under the rug, or their commentary IS minimized or invalidated. JerZ, while you were later able to offer support, it was AFTER you made such critical comments - it is almost as though you had to diminish the OP's commentary and then make similar comments, like it was a new discovery. It is also noted that you comment 'it happens to women,' which is pretty much standard knowledge now - men HAVEN'T been provided advocacy or forums for the same, and I think that is what the OP was aiming for, in creating this post. It is sadly incredibly nuanced, but I can see the relative antagonism between you and BSFR.
With that said, I would believe DV with male victims is in the Romantic Relationships forum because it can be so much a part of what is commonly interwoven in romantic relationships with women, and we speak out against all violence. Understanding, creating bridges, differentiating and finding common links and correcting misperceptions is at the forefront of advocacy. I can concede nevertheless it can be re-assigned to a mental health or other thread, but then it won't be seen by those who need it in relationships, who cannot parse the fine lines between ignorance, boorishness, miscommunication, kinky, sexual schemas and scripts, and abuse/violence. Guys are not often told to 'listen to your feelings' as other feelings typically get in the way of the affect found in violence and abuse.
If the mods seek to move it, I wouldn't be disappointed either.
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I mean states were just then even finishing up illegalizing teachers hitting students, much less relatives hitting kids. And the yelling? OMG. Reporting abuse? Now that was rare as hell. And even when it was reported...well, let us just again say the laws are different.
