I really don’t like my brother. Like, at all. (adults, mother)
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Bluefox, it is incredible how strongly I resonated with your post and how relevant it is to situations I am dealing with at this very moment.
My brother and I have always had an antagonistic relationship and that is spawned, at least from my perspective, from a innate lack of respect and appreciation for one another. I can remember as far back to being 4 years old, and even then my brother (he is older by 3 years) was the epitome of a bully--always commanding me, refusing to share things with me, taking the best dibs of something for himself, and degrading me with insults. It was so bad that I literally got a kick out of seeing my parents chastise him for being so selfish and forcing him to share stuff with me; when I would ALWAYS argue in strict favor of voluntary exchanges, even as a young man. Consider how strongly you have to feel about something for it to overrule the principles you live by--that's how bad I'm talking.
It got worse as we transitioned into adolescence. Regardless of how he treated me when we were kids, I genuinely tried to give our relationship a chance at the behest of my family (who I am very close to). But I detest the kind of person he is. He is a brown noser; apathetic to anything that doesn't involve him personally, self absorbed, and eccentric to an annoyance. He frequently upsets my family with his treatment of me and his off colored comments, and you guessed it--he doesn't give a damn. Like you said, he is my brother and I love him, but if he wasn't my brother I would under no circumstance want anything to do with a person like that--much less want to befriend one. I detest people like him, and coupled with my animosity towards our childhood and teenage years, it just adds up.
We are both adults now in our 20s and we've both since moved out. I thought that being away from each other would be good for our relationship, but I was wrong. The only thing I was correct in was predicting that I would enjoy being away from him--which I do. I get no pleasure out of saying such things--I am a family man through and through, but this is a very special and unfortunate case. In fact, the few times we do see each other now--literally a handful of times a year at family gatherings--I still immensely dislike being around him. He hasn't changed a bit.
It's the little things as much it is the big problems. He doesn't say thank you or express appreciation when I get him thoughtful gifts for his birthday and/or holidays. Just recently I was accepted to the most prestigious political graduate school in the country, an aspiration I had been working towards for a long time. While my family was overwhelming me with congratulations, he didn't say a thing. When I texted him and shared the news he responded with "Oh, when I saw your text I thought it was something important." He knew I aspired to get into that university (which has an acceptance rate of 8%) and wasn't able to appreciate how important it was to me that I was accepted.
As I sit here and type this, he is visiting and out to dinner with my folks. I was invited but turned it down, making an excuse to do work instead. I love going out with my folks, but I couldn't bear the idea of dealing with him for several hours on end.
And just like you, I really like his fiance. She is a sweetheart and a very considerate person, unlike him.
The situation has upset me for years. I have a strong relationship with every member of my immediate family except for him. They are not happy that we don't get along. I know one day we'll only have each other in terms of our original family, and we're supposed to appreciate that, but it's so hard to put so many unresolved issues behind us. I can't even imagine trying to resolve these issues through a dialogue or confrontation because of how apathetic and self absorbed he is. He'd just shrug his shoulders and mention how he doesn't give a damn.
I feel like this may end up being my signature regret in life--that I never made peace or achieved some level of cordiality with him. Everyone says I'll miss him and regret this when he's gone, and I have every reason to believe that's correct. It's a very complicated situation.
I thank you for bringing up this topic and offering a venue for me to ventilate these frustrations. You are NOT alone in being involved in such situations. I wish you the best of luck.
Last edited by MillennialMaverick; 05-12-2018 at 07:28 PM..
We are just so different. He is super extroverted while I am definitely more of an introvert.
I love him because he is my brother, and we will always have that bond, but I really just don’t care for him as a person. If he were not my brother I would not want anything to do with him. Our personalities do not jive in any way. We have zero in common. We aren’t interested in each other’s lives. I just don’t really know where to go from here.
It’s funny because I love his girlfriend, she is super sweet and a beautiful person, though I don’t how she puts up with him.
And...?
My best friend, who is 51 (known for 20 years, I'm 50) has little use for his brother, call him Saul. Saul is roughly five years younger. I've only met him a few times since he lives near their parents back in the Midwest. He doesn't strike me as terribly bright, my friend won the IQ lottery in the family (along with their dad, a former cereal company executive).
Saul and his wife don't really have terribly much visible means of support. Saul was in a terrifying accident, year or two ago, that made national news because half the party was killed by the ____hole who ran them all down. Saul and a few others lived with grave injuries, but recovery continues and I doubt any will ever be the same. I wonder if they had much going on before, and they sure don't have much more going on now. That is irritating to my friend, the snide remarks come out from time to time now that thankfully Saul survived.
It goes both ways, I don't think Saul or his wife have much use for my buddy. It just doesn't come up often. Last time I saw the bunch old Saul didn't even bother coming over to greet my pal's friends including me. That's just how he rolls.
So, they live 2,250 miles apart, and just don't see each other all that often. And...? Who gives a whit? They never have, and never will, care much about each other. One thinks the other is mostly worthless, or rather not quite up to par, and other...well, I don't know what he thinks. Or care, since he's never made an effort to get to know my pal's buddies, nor would one expect him to.
I didn't read the whole thread and didn't see how old you are, but FWIW sometimes you have to grow into your own life. When you put some distance between yourself and your siblings you both change and grow and the things that you fought about become less worth fighting over.
My sister and I hated each other as kids. Fought like cats and dogs, made our mom cry on a regular basis because we were so hateful to each other. I moved away for school and work and she started her own life, and as we got older and got our own lives, we became friends. Not just friends, but she became the sibling I always wanted and I tried to be the same for her. Unfortunately, she died last year and now with the perspective of an adult, I regret all the time we spent fighting as kids and would feel that way even if she was still alive. But when I left home I didn't expect things to change between us, I just knew I needed to live my own life without the distraction of sibling rivalry and fighting.
My point is not that you should love your relatives because they may be taken from you at any moment. In fact, I have other relatives I still can't stand. Rather, my point is that you should live your life and don't waste your aggravation on another person you just happen to be related to. Time is a great leveler. You may change. Your brother may change. You may both decide the things you fought about when you were younger are silly and not worth keeping that aggravation alive. Or you may live your whole lives without ever becoming any closer than you currently are.
It's actually quite easy to deal with just eliminate him from your regular life. I did that with a large amount of my family. When we go "home" I let them know when we will be there and where we are staying. If they want to come visit us they are more than welcome. I'll share our alcohol and grill them a nice dinner but that is the extent. I love them but don't let the drama or negativity impact my life what so ever. If they pull anything while we visits they are gone and asked to not come back.
How old is your brother? He sounds pretty young and immature.
I'm puzzled,as an adult, why would you even take a trip or vacation with your brother?
I am 66 and I have never taken a trip with either of my brothers, except for an occasional day trip to attend an out-of-town funeral or something similar. Now, when we lived in different cities/states we did travel to see each other and our families, but that is different than taking a trip together.
I've traveled a number of times with my brother. We're friends and we enjoy each other's company. Nothing strange about it at all.
And I think my sister-in-law is secretly happy to have the house to herself for a week!
My partner has hated her brother most of her life. He was abusive to their parents and very abusive to her even when they were kids. She didn't see him for years, not since her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and he absolutely would not lift a finger to help her mother. Woiuldn't make sure Mom ate or even changed her clothes. (he lived with the parents so he could sponge off of them and refused to leave,.)
This all came up because he died this year, with no will or written wishes. Even those he was a waste of oxygen, my partner felt obligated to take over his estate, arrange a funeral, clean out the house, remodel, etc. And not for the sake of the money as he had little. So despite hating him she felt like she should help out at the end. Go figure.
I'm completely amazed that you are able to forgive or are forgiving toward your brother stealing your money from your bedroom repeatedly! Once is bad enough and not sure that is particularly forgivable, but more than once? wow
He was 16-17 years old when this happened. Not something I would have done at that age, but I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people have. I had too much of a conscience to ever do anything like that.
I forgave him, but I've never left money anywhere near him after that. If he came to my house today (and he's turning 25 this year), I would either hide any money or I would not allow him to go anywhere that isn't the bathroom without my supervision. And even then, I would be waiting for him to come out to make sure he doesn't venture off.
Did one or both of your parents favor your brother?
I’m not quite sure. I was the firstborn, but I’m also gay, and I think I fell out of favor with my parents when I came out. In a subconscious sense at least.
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Originally Posted by MaryMeriMarry
As others have said, it is not uncommon to dislike a sibling. I have a sister I can't stand. She's not wild about me either. Now that both of our parents are gone, we've made an effort to stay in touch via text or email but we will never be anything close to friends. I'm just happy we are civil to each other these days.
Hope you can find some kind of peace that will enable you to live comfortably with the fact that you are under no obligation to like it be friends with your brother.
Thanks. What I needed to hear
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Originally Posted by matisse12
OP, one thing that stands out to me is why would you two be visiting each other and going to the expense and time to do so if you have so little interest in each other? How could he visiting you be enjoyable if as you say "we have no interest in each others life, have nothing in common, and he makes it all about him"?
What is the purpose of a visit? And you mentioned visiting him three times in California. If he actually has no interest in you and you have little interest in him, what were those three visits about? How does one enjoy the company of and converse under this circumstance?
It seems maybe you are hoping to become emotionally closer to him - that could be a worthy goal - but it doesn't really seem plausible at this time of your lives. If you have little or no interest in each other, then I don't see why visits would be worthwhile.
Are you feeling as if you should be friends and emotionally closer because you're siblings? Or feeling obligated to try? It's great when it happens, but many siblings are not close and do not visit each other. You need not feel obligated. Maybe a friendship or a closer relationship might occur when you're both in your 40's or 50's or older.
I used to live in SoCal so I did come down to visit friends and family, not just him. But I always made a point to carve out time for him. I have been away from SoCal for 5 years and he has never visited me. My other brother in SF has visited me at least 3 times and I him.
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Originally Posted by kapikap
You nerd to hear it. You and your brothers relationship is what it is , because you are both part of your parents family. When siblings became adults, that is the time that you each start your own families and relationships. You do not "have to " do anything. you dont get along, so be it. I would imagine at least once a year ,everyone gets together, so just let that be the time.
If you guys cant talk, just send a card or an email, to say hi. It seems that you have an opinion of what you dont like about your brother, or what you think about how he lives his life. If he has a service animal, so what? I dont understand how you say he is family so I feel obligated to spend time with him, but you are critical about his way of being him. You do need to respect his choices, and if he cant make an effort, with a compromise, that is on him. Not like he cant stay in a pet friendly hotel.
He does not have a service animal. He has a fake emotional support animal and bought the tags online. Anyone can do it. The dog is not trained. And it puts true service dogs at risk to have an untrained ESA around them. It’s just a reflection of his personality which I do not care for.
Why not make the parents home the neutral place to see each other? Remember, you guys were kids and siblings in your parents family, and dealt with each other because you had no choice. Now you are just Adult siblings with the same parents, starting your own lives. Its time to move on, and create your own circle of people to visit.
I actually was going to go to Germany for Christmas last year but was guilt tripped to going home and had a horrible time. I may just ignore them this year.
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Originally Posted by joee5
You'll miss him once you've lost him. I lost my only brother 9 years ago and miss him dearly everyday.
I used to live in SoCal so I did come down to visit friends and family, not just him. But I always made a point to carve out time for him. I have been away from SoCal for 5 years and he has never visited me. My other brother in SF has visited me at least 3 times and I him.
So you never traveled to see him specifically, but you're hurt because he doesn't make time to go see you specifically? And you don't even like him?
You seem to be holding him to a higher standard just so he can disappoint you and you can feel like the wounded party and he gets the role of selfish jerk. I bet this dynamic has been going on for decades.
I don’t have any siblings, but I don’t think it’s unusual to not really like some of your relatives.
In my experience, it's common. It makes me think of Peter Hitchens' comment on this count prior to his brother, Christopher, dying: "We're not close. We're different people, we have different lives, we have entirely different pleasures, we live in different continents. If we weren't brothers we wouldn't know each other."
I think that describes a lot of siblings.
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