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I probably should have chosen better words than "across the board". I'm mostly referring to across the country, and some in my own extended family. No, I don't live in a damaged community, but I follow fairly closely about what has gone on across the nation over the past number of decades.
Many people have had kids and had no intention of starting a family at that time and were in no way prepared for it. Teen pregnancy, or even if they were adults, they had kids before they were prepared.
Think about the fathers that have killed their kids and their spouse and then themselves. Parents who have simply abandoned their kids. The number of foster homes and shelters that are needed in this country. As I stated earlier, the drugs and alcohol. Parents who engage their kids in criminal activity.
I also recognize there are many good parents who certainly had kids for the right reasons and I know some of them that are either in my family or friends or coworkers.
I just believe there are way too many that take it lightly and it isn't a job that should be taken lightly.
AlmostSeniorinNJ is right. There are a lot of people all over the country (and world) who probably shouldn't have had kids, or otherwise ran into personal issues that led to being unable to properly care for their kids.
If anyone has experience working with or in their nearest CPS or equivalent, they would know the horror stories, and how unfortunately common they can be. People often tend to not have a clue as to what goes on in and around their communities. Life in the middle class and higher suburbs may generally be rosy and sunshine-y, but even people in those well to do towns have their family secrets and issues, and certainly people in not so nice areas have theirs, as well. Perhaps more so, in my experience and with what I know.
Last edited by JerseyGirl415; 06-10-2018 at 02:35 PM..
I'm a guy in my mid-late 30's, and I have absolutely NO desire what so ever to have kids. I never have.
When I see how much less free time my friends with kids have and how much more busy they are, this just absolutely reinforces my desire to never want kids.
What I don't understand is when I mention to them that I have no desire for kids (or even other childless people who are younger) they look at me funny, and often say "Oh.....why not" as if to think that I'm the odd one out.
I really don't understand how not wanting the burden of kids, not to mention the tremendous financial cost of raising them, should be looked at as "unusual".
Isn't that the equivalent of being looked at funny for going to trade school to be a plumber right after high school, instead of a 4 year college? I mean one isn't better than the other, they are just different paths.
Same with wanting vs not wanting kids, right??
I guess I'm at a loss to understand why others think I'm "unusual" in that regard. There are plenty of things I want to do with my life (become an airline pilot) that is totally in my blood, that others have no desire to do. It makes perfect sense that not everyone wants to fly jets for a living, even though I can't picture myself doing anything else for a career.
So why can't these parents see past their own situation and understand why someone their same age would not want kids, the same way I can understand why the next guy has no desire to pursue a career thats in my blood??
Is it largely because they secretly are envious and resentful that I'm free and can do whatever I want, whenever, wherever, and have an order of magnitude more freedom they they do?
OR,..... are you convincing yourself of this thought pattern for some reason
I never wanted kids until about 5 years after I was married, then I did have the desire and couldn't imagine my life without them. With that said, everyone is different and one shouldn't have kids if they don't want to otherwise it could lead to resentment.
My brother and his wife do not want kids and are happy without them. They like seeing their nieces and nephews and that is enough for them. No one in our family bugs them about not wanting kids. It's their decision to make, not ours.
soon you will regret not having that "burden" of having kids, of having to pay more taxes, and not having much in common with people your own age. You will soon be a lonely 50 years old, with not many people to enjoy the holidays with, with no one to share your great wealth, and no one to visit you when you are a senior citizen. No one to come home to but fluffy.
Soon you will realize not too many people have the same in common with you . Family men are friends with family men, and so on. I do not think anyone would be envious. A family of 5 vs a loner?
Total BS what was stated, Kids are not a financial burden, kids actually could motivate you to make more of it. Who else are you going to share your vast knowledge with? Afterall, someone made you, and most people would like to play it forward. Thats why they look at you funny.
You can learn to fly, and circle the globe, but that will eventually go old. Kids are never ending.
Oh my gosh, so much wrong with this. Are you saying the only way to "share" is with your own kids? Well, how selfish is that!
There has only been one time in the entire 45 years since I became an adult that I momentarily wished I had procreated. That was when I spent some time with a gifted young doctor whose studies were so extensive she told me, "I won't have a real job until I'm 35!"
I said her parents must be proud of what she's achieved. And I felt sad, just for an instant.
But then I reminded myself that you can never know how your children will turn out. I might have given birth to Michael Rotondo.
Robin Williams said in his standup when his son was small that there was a side of him picturing his son being sworn in as President of the United States, and then another side picturing him in a paper hat saying, "You want fries with that?"
Some people who have kids ultimately give into their partner, or societal pressure, even. There are people out there who actually regret having kids, it's just a taboo thing to admit and talk about.
That would be my mother. She told me the story of how my father and her decided to have children. She really didn't want any, and my father said, "What else are we going to do in our old age?" So she apparently was talked into it (she told me that she really wasn't into children or anything like that before she had them). Then she would often tell me, besides the warning to not ever have children (which up to now, I've faithfully followed and hope to continue!), that if she had to do it all over again she wouldn't have children.
So it definitely can happen. I think my mother would have been happier without children and she definitely regretted it. That being said, I thought she was the best mother in the world, very self-sacrificing. But I'd say it's a warning to those who may be being talked into it by their partner or what-not. If you really know you're not cut-out for it, stand firm and don't give in (and have these discussions before you get married for those who still like the traditional marriage thing). Sure, it may turn out that you love it and it was the best thing for you; but there's also a fairly good chance that you'll regret it.
I'm a guy in my mid-late 30's, and I have absolutely NO desire what so ever to have kids. I never have.
When I see how much less free time my friends with kids have and how much more busy they are, this just absolutely reinforces my desire to never want kids.
What I don't understand is when I mention to them that I have no desire for kids (or even other childless people who are younger) they look at me funny, and often say "Oh.....why not" as if to think that I'm the odd one out.
I really don't understand how not wanting the burden of kids, not to mention the tremendous financial cost of raising them, should be looked at as "unusual".
Isn't that the equivalent of being looked at funny for going to trade school to be a plumber right after high school, instead of a 4 year college? I mean one isn't better than the other, they are just different paths.
Same with wanting vs not wanting kids, right??
I guess I'm at a loss to understand why others think I'm "unusual" in that regard. There are plenty of things I want to do with my life (become an airline pilot) that is totally in my blood, that others have no desire to do. It makes perfect sense that not everyone wants to fly jets for a living, even though I can't picture myself doing anything else for a career.
So why can't these parents see past their own situation and understand why someone their same age would not want kids, the same way I can understand why the next guy has no desire to pursue a career thats in my blood??
Is it largely because they secretly are envious and resentful that I'm free and can do whatever I want, whenever, wherever, and have an order of magnitude more freedom they they do?
LOL. As someone else said, I am sure you wish this were the reason.
Not all, but some people DO change their minds on this matter. But whether or not the OP would change his mind later.. who knows? It's still good to make it known up front that he or she is not interested in children, because that can be a real deal-breaker for the other person.
Yes, people do tend to frown on those who don't want children. Many people deem it selfish (and, yes, the OP sounds selfish but admits it). But, really, there are many reasons to not want children. Some people are simply not nurturers by nature, and I don't think everybody is meant to procreate. Other people simply do not like children, which is understandable.
But those same people that frown, also frown at people like myself who wanted only ONE child, Period. I never paid them any mind, I always figured it was their problem not mine. I lost my only child when she was 18, and many people have had the audacity to ask me if I regretted not having another. My answer is always the truth: No. Because that child could never be replaced by another one, anyway.
One thing that I think is clear from this exchange (and most others where you have an open discussion on child free/parenting lifepaths) is that the majority of people who want or don't want kids don't look down on the other side and understand that ultimately, it's a personal choice whether to have or not have children.
Both groups also generally agree that if you don't want kids, then you absolutely should not have them. People who have kids because they want someone to love them unequivocally, or because they think that having a child will either save a failing relationship or force/bind a person into staying with them. I worked with a girl who did the latter - really despicable person - and through mutual friends I know that ultimately her boyfriend left her, she now blames the child that was supposed to save her relationship for ruining it, and avoids telling guys she dates that she has a kid. She's a cold and narcissistic person and her child will probably face quite a bit of difficulty as they grow up and the magnitude of her mom's selfishness and lack of humanity hit her.
But, that was one extreme case. My social circle is filled with friends from high school or college who spent their first two to three and a half decades insisting that they would never, ever have kids, identified as childfree and used to go on polemics about how immoral, stupid, or narcissistic having children was, who now have a family and are extremely happy, as well as being devoted and responsible parents.
In any case, the people who think that you MUST have kids to "complete" yourself or believe that having kids is WORST decision seem to be the outliers.
All those kids! god bless their parents. This was the norm in the 50's and 60's. Old school, keep what you pro-create. It aint easy having all those personalities under the same roof, But watching the clan grow, with a couple dozen grandkids , a proud moment for the grand parents.
Personal choice prevails. You either have it in you or you dont. I did not have kids cause if the benifits, but to express love and commitment in a family unit.
When you have kids, that is your family. Your siblings are part of your parents family. As one runs their own family, new traditions get to made, and special moments cherished. I only have 2 but prefer 4. The costs are not major. An extra loaf of bread, an extra gallon of milk. These extras are not going to put a major dent to the family budget. With a big family, you move out of the city, and move to where there is more space for the family, or stay put and get some Bunk Beds.
A childs birth is a beautiful thing. Nothing can replace the satisfaction of witnessing a child learn and grow to be Adults. Not even jetting around in a Concord. When I mention a lonely life, its because I have met so many people, who have regrets. Spending the Holidays drinking the blues away. They date like minded people who may be single by choice or through divorcee. They do seem like a grunpy bunch of people.
Its the OPs choice. When people start leering into your personal life, nip it in the bud right away. You dont need to answer nosy people. Whats to say a person may have difficulty conceiving? Or some other reason, that is private in nature. These same naysayers are chatter boxes. You are too fat/skinny/tall/short, etc. All they long they look for an angle.
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