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I used to think that dealing with painful issues in my life meant that I would be free from the pain they had caused me and that that was health. For me I no longer believe that. I've discovered that much of what hurt me once upon a time is something that still can hurt me today. That means at some point I may need to be willing to let go no matter how justified I feel.
Being healthy psychologically doesn't mean being immune to uncomfortable feelings. I think instead it means being free to feel the full spectrum of human emotions and having a tool kit of skills for how to experience each one without harming ourselves or others. You don't get that tool kit without first having uncomfortable feelings that need to be gentled.
I don't care to bring up old hurts that I have laid to rest by whatever tools I used. It's reasonable that I can re-experience them with enough time mulling them over. Once I've done enough of that and chosen to move on it's time to say "Nighty-night."
Should I find them still nagging at me it means I'm not done with my work yet. That's all. It takes what it takes and there's no date of expiration. The goal is peace of mind and harmony with my world. I create it. Or not.
It's an odd occurrence that frequently when we have been a victim those are the most difficult to release. Seems we re-victimize ourselves over and over. Looking at it that way helps.
Wouldn't we all be magnificent pieces of work if we fretted as much about times we have been the victimizer?
With so many different personality styles what works for one person may not work for another. And don't forget to forgive yourself.
Regardless of what society says, there is no requirement to forgive someone. You aren't breaking any laws by not doing so. And you can't remove your hard feelings unless you find someone who can wipe out your memory bank. So I would just let it go and say, these feelings are what they are and I can't erase them so I need to learn to live with them.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. It does mean not letting the ill will run your life.
This is pretty good.
I’d further say that forgiveness or forgetting aren’t the best distinctions, eventually one must learn to cope with it. I still have ex-girlfriends I think about or don’t forgive, but I’ve coped with it to go on with life.
IMHO, you can still feel disappointment and sadness about the past and also have forgiven that person.
I can only speak for myself. I know I've 100% forgiven a person when I can see/think about them and not have any strong negative feelings about whatever it was that made me angry with them in the first place. When, if I run into them in the store, I can exchange pleasantries and make small talk without feeling a way. I think forgiveness looks different for everyone, but I believe most people have no idea what true forgiveness is.
I can only speak for myself. I know I've 100% forgiven a person when I can see/think about them and not have any strong negative feelings about whatever it was that made me angry with them in the first place. When, if I run into them in the store, I can exchange pleasantries and make small talk without feeling a way. I think forgiveness looks different for everyone, but I believe most people have no idea what true forgiveness is.
I don't know what you have in mind and I hope you tell us.
I can offer what forgiveness isn't. It isn't "giving the other side points to use against you." I think a lot of people look at it in this way, almost like life is a game where you never want to give in or someone might "beat" you. That viewpoint takes the possibility of forgiveness off the table completely.
Noting that moving on and forgiveness are two different things.
I have forgiven my husband for something so bad that it completely rocked my world and made me physically sick for over a year, but though I have forgiven him and life goes on, it still hurts me deeply when something reminds me of it.
Forgiving does not mean the cause is scrubbed from your mind. and in many cases it also does not mean that your trust is restored either.
I have forgiven my husband for something so bad that it completely rocked my world and made me physically sick for over a year, but though I have forgiven him and life goes on, it still hurts me deeply when something reminds me of it.
Forgiving does not mean the cause is scrubbed from your mind. and in many cases it also does not mean that your trust is restored either.
I definitely agree about it not meaning restored trust. It also doesn't mean continuing a relationship.
Your comment that most people have no idea what true forgiveness is. Thought maybe you'd say what you thought true forgiveness was.
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