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How can I tell my mother I am an adult and to leave me alone without fighting? I am pretty sure parents in the US don't "prepare food for their sons/daughters and give them tupperwares".
Even though you're an adult, you're always going to be your parents' baby. Your mom wants to see you and be part of your life. You can do that while still maintaining boundaries and a healthy relationship with them. Last time I visited my parents I came home with cooler full of food that they sent back with me. My dad is constantly sending me newspaper clippings and back issues of Consumer Reports if I mention I need to buy something new.
And who knows, if you and your wife decide to start a family, you might be very grateful to have that support of having your parents close by.
Hopefully I can make it short. My mother treats me like a kid despite I am 33. I come from Spain but I had been living with my wife abroad in Mexico, as near as 2 years, now I came to study to Madrid, Spain and I am living temporarily with my parents just a year and a half, but now, since I got a job, not really... a traineeship, I will live with my wife in Madrid, Spain, but not in my parent's house, together again renting an apartment. The reason of that is because my wife was working in Mexico, I decided to study a Master's Degree in Madrid, but my wife lost her job recently and is willing to come with me to Madrid and is looking for jobs here.
The problem: my parents, especially my mother, she treats me like a kid, she doesn't think I am an adult and I am fed up of that, I can't stand it. Is bothering me constantly: "why don't moving to this neighborhood?" (that is barely 10 minutes by walk from my parent's house) and "If you go there, I can prepare you food and give you tupperwares" (hopefully you understand what I mean, if no please ask to clarify) and after the last one... "all mothers do that for their sons and daughters" You can't imagine how annoying are the last ones...
My wife and me sometimes argue because of that, I also meet their parents and they have their things but my parents are those kind of parents you would hide in a closet while someone is visiting you and I completely agree with her. I am not this kind of people that want to live with their parents up to 40, you can't imagine how depressed I am at this moment, I need to live with my wife soon. And don't think I am not able to go abroad... oh man I would die to do that, I love living abroad, I loved living in Mexico, I miss it but for now I can't because I am still studying but once I finish my Master's Degree and I can find a job I will do that, I have an opportunity in Germany and if I didn't have the Master's I would be living there right now. I told my wife Mexico is too close to Spain, I need a farther place, probably New Zealand is far enough from Madrid, Spain, my parent's house.
How can I tell my mother I am an adult and to leave me alone without fighting? I am pretty sure parents in the US don't "prepare food for their sons/daughters and give them tupperwares".
My first wife's mother was very much like that. We should have moved several states away shortly after we got married. She was an only child who had been greatly oversheltered. We virtually had no life of our own. Her parents visited every week and her mother called at least once a day. We also made the mistake of living in a house they owned. Another whole book.
You may have to move at least to another city. Some parents refuse to back off. My present wife's parents could live across the street & it would be fine.
I have a cousin whose son cut her totally out of his life. She ruined his first marriage and was trying to do the same with the next. He quit taking her calls and had nothing further to do with her.
While OCCASIONALLY cooking something for you to take home is OK, CONSTANTLY doing it is intrusive and ridiculous. But I'm not sure exactly what is going on at the moment since you say you are actually living WITH her right now. Is she insisting on sending lunch with you when you head out to classes?
I'm a mom. I love my 30-something son very very much, but I would NEVER insist on constantly cooking food for him, especially if he asked me even ONE TIME not to do so. I would also be very very careful about doing this since he is married and its pretty insulting to the wife to insist that only Mom's cooking is worthy. And constantly sending food to you (in Tupperware or not) is being insistent.
I agree (partially) with the poster who said to nod, agree and agree and agree, and say "We'll look there" when she tries to steer you to a nearby home.
Then I'd go out and buy exactly what and where I wanted, regardless.
While OCCASIONALLY cooking something for you to take home is OK, CONSTANTLY doing it is intrusive and ridiculous. But I'm not sure exactly what is going on at the moment since you say you are actually living WITH her right now. Is she insisting on sending lunch with you when you head out to classes?
I agree, that it's not entirely clear what the problem is. I was expecting something else, when I read the thread title: an overbearing mother, constantly telling you how to live your life, and criticizing your choices, as if you weren't old enough to run your own life. Occasionally making food for you is not a big deal. And you say you're living with her, anyway? So what is it you want; do you cook your own food. and eat your meals separately from her? You're living in her house, so to some extent, it seems natural that she would go into "mom mode", and want to be helpful. Has your wife joined you yet, I'm not clear on that point, either. Is your mother offering to make your lunches for you, to take to work/school, as if you were a child, is that the issue? Sorry, OP; I'm not quite getting the picture.
She may want the two of you to live close by, but she doesn't have a choice in the matter. Live where you want. You're fortunate to have been offered an opportunity in Germany, in the future. I'd take it, if I were you. Though I don't know how your wife would get by, there; how would she find a job?
I agree, that it's not entirely clear what the problem is. I was expecting something else, when I read the thread title: an overbearing mother, constantly telling you how to live your life, and criticizing your choices, as if you weren't old enough to run your own life.
This is the problem and sometimes happens, she sometimes tells me how to live my life and where to live and I do not like it at all. If they (my parents) feel that I am not doing what they consider to be right, they bother me.
If they (my parents) feel that I am not doing what they consider to be right, they bother me.
At your age of 33 you should simply move out and go rent your own place......and are your parents paying all or any of your education while you are living under their roof ?
At your age of 33 you should simply move out and go rent your own place......and are your parents paying all or any of your education while you are living under their roof ?
No Sir, I am paying all my tuition fees of my Master's Degree.
Jorge, I think you are being very ungrateful and childish towards your parents, and yes, you are behaving just like a child. Worse than a child, actually.
You are benefitting from your parents generosity, living in your parents home right now and your mother loves you and wants to take good care of you even if you are an adult who shouldn't need to be taken care of. That is what good mothers do for their children no matter how old their children are. And how do you show your appreciation for their loving kindness?
You show your appreciation by complaining about how your mother still wants to have you nearby and take good care of you and your wife when your wife joins you.
If your parents, especially your mother, knew you were complaining about their love and generosity like this it would break their hearts.
Ungrateful, selfish, thoughtless wretch of a child, you should be ashamed of yourself! You are not doing your parents any good by being in their home. You don't deserve to have such good parents who you say you want to escape from and have on the opposite side of the world from you.
You need to grow up, be totally responsible for yourself and move out of your parents house right NOW. The sooner your wife gets to Europe and the two of you are in a place of your own and you are being totally responsible for yourself again the better it will be for your parents to get you out of their house. Then your parents can get back on track with their own lives again and not have you there to disrupt their lives.
No, I don't hate my parents and I am very grateful with them to let me living temporarily in their home. I'm just saying they are overprotective and this is not good I think. I don't consider myself a child, I had been living in Mexico, I got a job getting there as a tourist, my wife couldn't live with me while working in a city placed 2 hours and a half by plane, she was in southern Mexico while I was in Mexico center, what is more, the first place where I lived was a dangerous place, hopefully co-workers helped me telling me to move to another place inmediately because It was not a place for me.
I know I have to move out but I don't have a job, that was the reason I have been looking and applying several hours a day until I finally got one that is not even a job, is a traineeship but even in such condition I will live with my wife, we will see how we will manage it, this situation will be tough since Spain is not as cheap as Mexico but I lived a similar situation in Mexico being unemployed and loosing money, basically my only chance is to convince employers to sign a full time job contract but I feel I can do it, if not, I will be looking and applying everywhere and improvise the best as I can.
You may say that because you don't know me, I don't argue much with my parents, I treat them with respect, but I can't let them to be overprotective with me.
No, I don't hate my parents and I am very grateful with them to let me living temporarily in their home. I'm just saying they are overprotective and this is not good I think. I don't consider myself a child, I had been living in Mexico, I got a job getting there as a tourist, my wife couldn't live with me while working in a city placed 2 hours and a half by plane, she was in southern Mexico while I was in Mexico center, what is more, the first place where I lived was a dangerous place, hopefully co-workers helped me telling me to move to another place inmediately because It was not a place for me.
I know I have to move out but I don't have a job, that was the reason I have been looking and applying several hours a day until I finally got one that is not even a job, is a traineeship but even in such condition I will live with my wife, we will see how we will manage it, this situation will be tough since Spain is not as cheap as Mexico but I lived a similar situation in Mexico being unemployed and loosing money, basically my only chance is to convince employers to sign a full time job contract but I feel I can do it, if not, I will be looking and applying everywhere and improvise the best as I can.
You may say that because you don't know me, I don't argue much with my parents, I treat them with respect, but I can't let them to be overprotective with me.
One thing my parents said to all of us that I've never forgotten was "If you behave like an adult you'll be treated like one. If you behave like a child you'll be treated like one. Up to you."
Arguing by re-stating your OP and not listening to the advice you've been given here (I know, but, I know, but....) is childish BTW.
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Though I don't know how your wife would get by, there; how would she find a job?
