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I told a friend’s husband I wasn’t comfortable lending things any more...and haven’t heard from either since.
I don’t mind lending things, but he was borrowing things that were consumed and then he didn’t replace them at all, or took new tools and brought them back way later then I expected and well worn. I also found out he was using them on other jobs where his boss was too cheep to get him the right stuff.
So all good reasons to say no more before I actually get angry. Last week he asked to “borrow” something that would be consumed and I know I wouldn’t get it back. I don’t really need it...at some point I might but not now. But it was just too much and I could tell I was feeling taken advantage of. My friend also does this at times, just not as much as her husband. I just said I wasn’t comfortable lending things any more in a text.
My husband said to expect backlash...they are much younger and just getting their feet under them, where we are established and very comfortable. Hubby thinks it’s good I nipped it in the bud, but thinks they will be very upset with us and that I should come up with an excuse to smooth it over. I think I should just leave it alone. I think it did upset them, but that we are good enough friends that after a few days it will blow over. My hubby said they will not see it from our side as, in there perspective, we have a lot more then them.
Grovel? Make an excuse? Let them have things as they want them? Let it blow over?
Oddly enough if he asked if he could “have” the consumable products, I wouldn’t be annoyed in the least. I’d say yes or no depending on if I saw I would need it sooner then later, or at all.
“Hey can I borrow” feels like manipulation on some level...it’s harder to say no, I guess
"Grovel? Make an excuse? Let them have things as they want them? Let it blow over?" I would just let it blow over. I know several people who have a standard policy of never loaning anything to anyone. They simple say that.
I recently had a very long discussion about this topic with a close friend of mine who is very generous. She told me that when ever they have loaned anything to her husband's brother, his wife, their children or their parents it is either never returned or comes back (months and months later) damaged/stained/broken. My friend said that it does not matter if it is an inexpensive item (like a book or serving tray or beach towel) or a very expensive item (such as a power tool). They just don't treat things with respect. And, to top, if off they never apologize or offer to pay for the damaged item (even if it is an expensive item).
What my friend and her husband now say is "I'm sorry, but I can't loan X to you because (and give a logical reason) I need to take it to work tomorrow or my spouse needs it or it is broken or..." They have been doing for several years and the family has never caught on. Now, if it is something that is unimportant, and they really don't care if they get it back or if they get it back broken, they will loan it to that family.
Oddly enough if he asked if he could “have” the consumable products, I wouldn’t be annoyed in the least. I’d say yes or no depending on if I saw I would need it sooner then later, or at all.
“Hey can I borrow” feels like manipulation on some level...it’s harder to say no, I guess
Maybe, you could say "I will give you an egg for your pancakes, since you ran out. You do not need to return them" if it is a consumable. But, I would be worried that they may start to take advantage of you and borrow more and more items.
I told a friend’s husband I wasn’t comfortable lending things any more...and haven’t heard from either since.
I don’t mind lending things, but he was borrowing things that were consumed and then he didn’t replace them at all, or took new tools and brought them back way later then I expected and well worn. I also found out he was using them on other jobs where his boss was too cheep to get him the right stuff.
So all good reasons to say no more before I actually get angry. Last week he asked to “borrow” something that would be consumed and I know I wouldn’t get it back. I don’t really need it...at some point I might but not now. But it was just too much and I could tell I was feeling taken advantage of. My friend also does this at times, just not as much as her husband. I just said I wasn’t comfortable lending things any more in a text.
My husband said to expect backlash...they are much younger and just getting their feet under them, where we are established and very comfortable. Hubby thinks it’s good I nipped it in the bud, but thinks they will be very upset with us and that I should come up with an excuse to smooth it over. I think I should just leave it alone. I think it did upset them, but that we are good enough friends that after a few days it will blow over. My hubby said they will not see it from our side as, in there perspective, we have a lot more then them.
Grovel? Make an excuse? Let them have things as they want them? Let it blow over?
Good friends?
Clearly they're users. They view you and your husband as an older couple who are better off and therefore can be of use to them.
Your friends have been behaving in very disrespectful manner. If they ask to borrow with no intention of returning, they lie. If they return items in a worse condition without sincere apology, they are displaying a degree of contempt, maybe subconscious, towards you whether you realize it or not.
Sometimes you just have to demand to be treated with respect. They are not the victims here. Don’t treat them as if they are.
I have had to do this myself, and I still have a hard time doing it without feeling guilty. I just say "No, I cannot lend or do XYZ" without apologizing or giving excuses why I won't lend or let people use my items. "No" is a complete sentence, and any relationship worth its salt will stand up to that.
"Grovel? Make an excuse? Let them have things as they want them? Let it blow over?" I would just let it blow over. I know several people who have a standard policy of never loaning anything to anyone. They simple say that.
Agreed. That is my policy, to not loan out my possessions. Several years ago, I loaned a fringe top to a friend for a dance event. A couple months after the event, I asked for it back, and her response was "Oh, do you need it now?" She gave it back a few days later, but that conversation left a bad taste in my mouth and I figured I had dodged a bullet and decided I was not risking it again (it was not an inexpensive top, FWIW).
It will either blow over or it won't. And if they get mad at you for not allowing them to take advantage of you further, then let them be mad and recognize that you'd be better off without them.
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