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Thanks for clarifying but I still have to question the validity of this. Keeping groceries or water supplies in one’s bedroom seems odd, like why? Is this the claim of the girlfriend? So she can’t go to the kitchen and find something to eat or get a glass of water? She is living rent free in the parents home and doesn’t pay for any groceries? I’m just not buying the “ horrible parents” sob story.
While I don't think the OP should expect anything of the parents, I have no trouble believing the story. I've posted about how my own parents treated me while I was going through stage IV cancer treatment around the same age as the OP. Luckily, I lived far away and was able to continue working thanks to a lot of accomodations with understanding supervisors and sheer force of will, but had I still been at home when my illness hit, I have no doubt I would have had lots of trouble getting adequate care and support from my family.
Some people are just cruel and selfish. It can be hard to understand when you have never been in that environment. Count yourself lucky if your first read is skepticism!
That said, I'm not sure why that's a surprise to the OP. Given their subpar care of their seriously ill daughter, I wouldn't have ever presumed to expect them to pick up any slack.
I don't know, Serious, if she lives with her family why isn't she eating with them? Why are you buying groceries?
As for disability, why isn't she going through a lawyer for that? They take a portion of the back pay but it is all regulated by the courts. When I was declined I got a lawyer and it was settled within months. BUT, I was 64 & 1/2 and the judge took one look, after reviewing my doctor and work records and immediately qualified me.
She would have difficulty doing it alone due to her age. Social Security is going to take a long, hard look. A disability lawyer puts together the doctor and hospital records for court review. If they won't take her case, it's probable she's not eligible.
Who paid for her hip operation? Will she be able to work in the future?
And, as others have pointed out, how did she survive before you came along? You should not be responsible for her until/unless you are married.
From what I have read (and if I recall it correctly), it appears that her current mobility problems may be considered a "short term" disability. While she may have a permanent, life long disability, I do not believe that it precludes ever working.
She was attending college full time, and apparently doing at least somewhat OK, before she needed both hips replaced and moved back home. Once, both hips are replaced, and she recovers, I believe, that she should be able to work. I assume that is why she is having difficulty having her disability approved (but I may be completely wrong).
While I don't think the OP should expect anything of the parents, I have no trouble believing the story. I've posted about how my own parents treated me while I was going through stage IV cancer treatment around the same age as the OP. Luckily, I lived far away and was able to continue working thanks to a lot of accomodations with understanding supervisors and sheer force of will, but had I still been at home when my illness hit, I have no doubt I would have had lots of trouble getting adequate care and support from my family.
Some people are just cruel and selfish. It can be hard to understand when you have never been in that environment. Count yourself lucky if your first read is skepticism!
That said, I'm not sure why that's a surprise to the OP. Given their subpar care of their seriously ill daughter, I wouldn't have ever presumed to expect them to pick up any slack.
I agree that her parents appear to be completely insensitive jerks who treat their daughter like crap (from various posts from the OP), but, IMHO, that does not mean that her casual BF of a few months (the OP) should be expected to pay for her phone, buy her groceries, buy her clothes and repair her car (in addition to paying 100% for all of their dating expenses).
Thanks for clarifying but I still have to question the validity of this. Keeping groceries or water supplies in one’s bedroom seems odd, like why? Is this the claim of the girlfriend? So she can’t go to the kitchen and find something to eat or get a glass of water? She is living rent free in the parents home and doesn’t pay for any groceries? I’m just not buying the “ horrible parents” sob story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatzPaw
As I recall, she was living in the basement (!) thereby making trips to the kitchen even more difficult. However, I could be wrong on this detail.
Yes, I recall that is what the OP said. Her parents forced her to live in the basement, even though she was in a wheelchair, recovering from having a hip replacement (and she did not have easy access to water or food). Obviously, it would be easier to keep some water and food in your bedroom. At least for a time, she could not do stairs at all.
So, Serious Conversation, you've been to the doctor/ hospital with her. Saw her meds and her taking them. How is she about you heating up food at her home and always eating there, basement or no, because of financial reasons, never eating out.
Yes, I recall that is what the OP said. Her parents forced her to live in the basement, even though she was in a wheelchair, recovering from having a hip replacement (and she did not have easy access to water or food). Obviously, it would be easier to keep some water and food in your bedroom. At least for a time, she could not do stairs at all.
She's still not able to go down the stairs well. She's been in the hospital again since Tuesday - vomiting, UTI, dehydrated. They think there may be something going on with her gallbladder, so she's being kept through at least tonight. After this, they're planning on transferring her from the hospital to a inpatient rehab facility. Outpatient rehab is just not enough for a severe case like this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
I agree that her parents appear to be completely insensitive jerks who treat their daughter like crap (from various posts from the OP), but, IMHO, that does not mean that her casual BF of a few months (the OP) should be expected to pay for her phone, buy her groceries, buy her clothes and repair her car (in addition to paying 100% for all of their dating expenses).
I'm not going to address all the relationship specific posts, but this is important. She's disabled right now. She's worked from when she was 18 until 22/23 when her health got worse. She paid for her own cell phone before she got sick with her own money.
What really rubs me the wrong way was that the parents just let the service lapse on the old phone (an iPhone 4). In this day and age, a smart phone of some type is basically essential. They have a landline, but there's no cordless phone in the basement. I don't even know if there is a phone line run down there. The fact that they wouldn't buy her a cheap phone, or even take over the $35 Walmart plan, showed me they just don't care. If I had a sick daughter that couldn't walk in the house with an 80 year old woman that doesn't know how to drive, one of the first things I'd do is make sure they have reliable communication.
That's not even counting that it's much easier for her to manage appointments with her own phone, being able to get on the internet (they do not have a computer), etc.
The $35 isn't that meaningful to me. It's the fact that they show no effort to make her life a little easier or help me out that ticks me off. I'm not asking her parents to half everything, but you'd think they'd chip in a few dollars here or there for her to buy her own fast food or something. They don't and have never asked.
Last edited by Serious Conversation; 09-28-2018 at 02:15 PM..
So, Serious Conversation, you've been to the doctor/ hospital with her. Saw her meds and her taking them. How is she about you heating up food at her home and always eating there, basement or no, because of financial reasons, never eating out.
I can be skeptical. May be a con.
There's no microwave in the basement. My parents have an extra microwave that's just a few years old and aren't using that I'm going to give to my girlfriend this weekend.
Again, you can pick up a microwave at Walmart for $50-$60. That would give her a lot more stuff she can eat without having to bother her grandma to microwave something and bring it down. It would make her life better for not that much money. The fact that they won't buy a microwave to make her life easier when he's off to Greece for a couple of weeks is telling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00
While I don't think the OP should expect anything of the parents, I have no trouble believing the story. I've posted about how my own parents treated me while I was going through stage IV cancer treatment around the same age as the OP. Luckily, I lived far away and was able to continue working thanks to a lot of accomodations with understanding supervisors and sheer force of will, but had I still been at home when my illness hit, I have no doubt I would have had lots of trouble getting adequate care and support from my family.
Some people are just cruel and selfish. It can be hard to understand when you have never been in that environment. Count yourself lucky if your first read is skepticism!
That said, I'm not sure why that's a surprise to the OP. Given their subpar care of their seriously ill daughter, I wouldn't have ever presumed to expect them to pick up any slack.
Another thing that I just find odd is that her parents go out to eat every Friday night and Saturday night to places my girlfriend would want to go. They never invite her along. They'll take her brother, but not her. Her mom says "it's too tough to get her in and out of the car." She can stand and get in the car fine. It takes 30 seconds to collapse the wheelchair and throw it into the back of the SUV. It's another 30 seconds to put the foot rests on it. They're just lazy, cheap, and don't give a crap.
If you've read other posts, the house is disgusting. Her dad was too lazy to take out a bag full of trash that had an Icee in it last week. He left in the garage, which was probably in the 80s and humid, and there was a trail of ants running from the bag out to the garage door. Speaking of the garage door, it doesn't shut at all. I have to tie it down with bungee cords to hold it in place. They won't even fix the damn garage door.
These are the kind of people her parents are. To her credit, she keeps her room as neat and clean as she can.
Last edited by Serious Conversation; 09-28-2018 at 02:22 PM..
She's still not able to go down the stairs well. She's been in the hospital again since Tuesday - vomiting, UTI, dehydrated. They think there may be something going on with her gallbladder, so she's being kept through at least tonight. After this, they're planning on transferring her from the hospital to a inpatient rehab facility. Outpatient rehab is just not enough for a severe case like this.
I am so sorry I hope that she gets better soon. I agree that an inpatient rehab facility will help her regain her health and her strength.
I am also sorry that some of us, including me, have been so hard on you. But, I am giving you the same advice that I would give my own children (who are about your age) or my nephews or nieces or my best friend. If you really love her and want to marry her and pledge to be her best friend, lover, caregiver and support until you both die in your 90s, then "go for it" if the answer is "No, I can't make that life-long commitment" then you need to step back from this whole mess. Or at least, stop your financial involvement.
I am so sorry I hope that she gets better soon. I agree that an inpatient rehab facility will help her regain her health and her strength.
I am also sorry that some of us, including me, have been so hard on you. But, I am giving you the same advice that I would give my own children (who are about your age) or my nephew or my best friend. If you really love her and want to marry her and pledge to be her best friend, lover, caregiver and support until you both die in your 90s, then "go for it" if the answer is "No, I can't make that commitment" then you need to step back from this whole mess.
My hope has been that once she gets rehabbed from these hip surgeries, that she'll be at least somewhat manageable. I can deal with "sick and can't do a lot" as long as she can walk and have some form of income from disability or whatever. I can't deal with "wheelchair/bedbound" permanently and having to support her 100%. It's kind of chasing a carrot on a stick. I do think there's long-term potential here.
I don't want to set hard dates, but she needs to be showing some improvement by the first of the year for me to stay. She will be 3.5 months out of surgery and will have had quite a bit of rehab by that point.
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