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Your mother's issues are bigger than being a bad parent. Your mother might be uncomfortable with any close relationships. She drives people away because she wants too.
Caring for her and trying to stay close may not be want she wants - even if she can't care for herself.
My mother was distant, but she became kinder when I cared for her before her death. My father was a jerk who liked who he was as a jerk. He didn't want any of his children close at his death.
Your mother's issues are bigger than being a bad parent. Your mother might be uncomfortable with any close relationships. She drives people away because she wants too.
Caring for her and trying to stay close may not be want she wants - even if she can't care for herself.
My mother was distant, but she became kinder when I cared for her before her death. My father was a jerk who liked who he was as a jerk. He didn't want any of his children close at his death.
Only you know how your mother will react.
My mother is very kind. Her issue is that she wants to be taken care of. She never wants to have to lift a finger for herself. She wants to feel not one iota of discomfort (hence the drugs and alcohol). It's like she has been stuck in the mind of a 2 year old her entire life.
She is so set on getting what she feels she "deserves"- to be taken care of by someone- that she will use any and all manipulation to get it. People figure it out quickly, and they're gone. Then she is sad for about as long as it takes to make a drink and pop a pill.
You might say "well that doesn't sound very kind", but I feel she doesn't typically do this on purpose (she did do it on purpose with her mother, as she felt she deserved for her mother to take care of her, but I have not known her to do it on purpose with anyone else). I don't feel she realizes what she is doing. She always seems shocked when people no longer want to be around her.
Y'all don't care about this I'm sure but just wanted to get it off my chest
The person who bought Mother's condo is evicting her. Everyone has been (again) trying feverishly to get her into a place and there is simply nothing more that can be done.
As of Christmas Day or 12/26, she will be living on the streets of Dallas.
After much discussion with the condo buyer, it became apparent to me that she was this entire time trying to manipulate the situation so that she is forced to live with me.
NOT HAPPENING
And the fact that she tried to create that makes me even more adamant.
Now I am worried about getting her for a short visit Christmas Day (usually the only day in the year that we see her) because I am afraid she won't leave.
UGH! my life.....
Now I am worried about getting her for a short visit Christmas Day (usually the only day in the year that we see her) because I am afraid she won't leave.
UGH! my life.....
She WON'T leave because, well, where would she go when she leaves your house??
As harsh as it sounds, I would cancel that visit immediately or reschedule it to a different location.
My "mother" was the type who put me with her parents to raise and lived off my child support. Yes, that is ancient history that I have long since gotten over, but merely setting the stage for my post.
She abused drugs and alcohol her whole life and continues to do so to the extent to which she can. She absolutely cannot care for herself and should not live alone (see also my post about this under caregiving so I don't have to re-hash).
Aside from her constant using of other people, her substance abuse, and her choices to not be a productive member of society, she is also the kind of person who absolutely sucks the air out of a room. No one wants to be around her, and when she is around, you can see people's shoulders quickly being sucked up under their ears.
Most people have written her off completely, and she has no one to turn to. My personal psyche would also be better off to be separated from hers.
However
I am the only person she has. If I would not leave a stray cat in that condition, why would I leave a human- any human- like that.
Again, I have gone down the caregiving route, so please don't make those suggestions here- go to caregiving.
Finally, the question: I work 60 hours/week/3 jobs, and have 2 kids and a spouse. My time is extremely limited. She wrecked her car (good news for people in North Dallas that she can no longer drive), so she asks me to bring her food, lend her money, give her rides.
Most of the time the answer is simple and truthful: I can't because I am working. For the very few minutes I do have each month (and she will keep hounding me until she finds out EXACTLY when those are), she will attempt to fill them with her stuff.
I recently told her that I had no interest in enabling her poor choices, and that I am simply refusing.
Now I feel guilty
WWYD?
I'm glad you recognized that it is indeed enabling. Let her find her own way. Her choice to "not be a good member of society" so that's her fault. Not fair for her to drag you down.
Why feel guilty?!? Does she have access to public transportation? Maybe set her up an Uber account so she can get rides. Give her the tools and leave it be.
The person who bought Mother's condo is evicting her. Everyone has been (again) trying feverishly to get her into a place and there is simply nothing more that can be done.
As of Christmas Day or 12/26, she will be living on the streets of Dallas.
After much discussion with the condo buyer, it became apparent to me that she was this entire time trying to manipulate the situation so that she is forced to live with me.
NOT HAPPENING
And the fact that she tried to create that makes me even more adamant.
Now I am worried about getting her for a short visit Christmas Day (usually the only day in the year that we see her) because I am afraid she won't leave.
UGH! my life.....
Pardon me if this has already been explained here, if it was I didn’t see it: You say someone bought your Mom’s condo. So your Mom was the owner/seller? Or was your Mom renting from the previous owner? Either way wouldn’t she have funds to live somewhere else—either from proceeds from the sale, or whatever funds she has been using to pay for her living situation prior to sale? Why does this sale mean she’d be living on the streets all of a sudden?
If you really think she will refuse to leave your house after Christmas maybe you should move the gathering to a resort in the area. “The holidays are exhausting for me and I want to relax so we decided this would s fun and festive.” Book her a room too. At checkout on 12/26 say “OK let’s go look at some places for you to live.”
Not possible? Well...at some point soon she would have to leave your house anyway to get stuff from the condo (or move it all if she’s being evicted) so you could have the “let’s find your new home!” search then.
Good luck with it. I agree you have no obligation to have her live with you and it wouldn’t be fair to your family either.
Since the OP does the driving, it's not really a matter of whether or not her mother will "leave". The OP will likely have to drive her home regardless of where they celebrate, and if she says she has nowhere to go - then what?
Pardon me if this has already been explained here, if it was I didn’t see it: You say someone bought your Mom’s condo. So your Mom was the owner/seller? Or was your Mom renting from the previous owner? Either way wouldn’t she have funds to live somewhere else—either from proceeds from the sale, or whatever funds she has been using to pay for her living situation prior to sale? Why does this sale mean she’d be living on the streets all of a sudden?
If you really think she will refuse to leave your house after Christmas maybe you should move the gathering to a resort in the area. “The holidays are exhausting for me and I want to relax so we decided this would s fun and festive.” Book her a room too. At checkout on 12/26 say “OK let’s go look at some places for you to live.”
Not possible? Well...at some point soon she would have to leave your house anyway to get stuff from the condo (or move it all if she’s being evicted) so you could have the “let’s find your new home!” search then.
Good luck with it. I agree you have no obligation to have her live with you and it wouldn’t be fair to your family either.
She was living on payments from a reverse mortgage, so though there was a profit between the owning and selling price, this profit mostly went to the reverse mortgage company. My understanding is that she had about $5,000, but it is gone from paying bills the last 3 months
In the north many temporary homeless shelters open up to help prevent homeless people from freezing to death on the streets. Maybe there are more options available than you realize in your area, too. I also suspect that shelters may be especially accommodating to an elderly woman on her own.
Good luck.
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