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Most married people are very into their family and don't have as much time for friends anymore. I suggest you get married. It seems like you have way too much free time on your hands. Families are usually so busy with their kids and don't have time for nonsense... get over it.
I believe that I can only control myself. Everybody else, they've got to figure it out and do what works for them, and I can only understand that and let 'em do it. No point in making it any harder for them, either.
But then...I see friends as people who come and go as life drifts us closer and further apart...not these rock-solid people who will always be there in my life.
I had a friend from high school, he was my best friend for 20 years. Even my very jealous and paranoid ex-husband was willing to accept him being a part of my life, and I'd have fought him on it if he didn't want to. But then my friend got married, and he could not father children of his own, but he was the kind of guy who had raised his own younger siblings and was so very good with children...he always should have been a Dad. And the woman he married, had kids and he loved the kids and the kids loved him. This family was everything he always needed and wanted. And he and his new wife were so happy and in love.
But. She was not happy about me. She hated our friendship. Justified or not, when he explained how she felt, I was not going to try to invalidate her feelings, and I did not want to be a source of conflict in my friend's marriage and the family that he needed so badly, and that needed him. I knew what was more important. So I told him, that if he ever needed me for anything, that I was there for him, and to just make contact, but otherwise I was making a graceful exit from his life. With all the love, respect, and best wishes. I think that was the right choice. It felt right.
Now my boyfriend has a friend, and honestly I just don't like the guy. I've got multiple reasons for that, but it doesn't matter, the fact is...I don't have to like everyone, and I don't have to pretend to like anyone. I can be civil, but that doesn't mean I will volunteer my time and presence. However, I totally respect their friendship, I strongly encourage my boyfriend and his buddy to hang out and spend time together, I just do not personally want to be a part of it. I have plenty of other places to be, people to hang out with, stuff to do! This really upsets my boyfriend's friend, who is a total shmooze and incidentally who has also tried, and occasionally succeeded, in sleeping with his other friends' girlfriends and wives. (I told my boyfriend, if his friend hit on me, I would CUT him...ugh...) Yeah, I just don't wanna hang out with the guy. The only thing that sucks about all this, is that my boyfriend would really rather spend his time with me, but only indulges his old pal with time and phone calls out of pity for the most part, so his friend thinks that I am the REASON that his old friend (my boyfriend) doesn't want to hang out anymore...like I am nagging him or stopping him. When I'm the one saying, "You know, you should go spend some time with <friend>" and boyfriend sighs and tells me yeah...but...he'd rather not... Oh well. Guess I don't mind being "the bad guy" in the mind of the dude I don't even like.
Mine has friends I can’t stand for legitimate reasons. One of his friends has a drug issues and sticky fingers. I am not at all good st putting away jewelry. I don’t want him in our house. One day his wife ran him over with her car, in front of our house. We live in a nice neighborhood. Inviting trashy scenes makes us look like trash.
He has another friend that is a complete mooch. He is out driving him around. He promised me something but now can’t because he is busy with his friend. I don’t spend time with his friends. I hope he meets mature, normal people some day that we can hang together with sometimes as a couple.
Several times I've lost friends because of their spouse. It was always the spouses fault.
I realize that their life has changed. I don't expect them to act single, and they shouldn't.
But.... when he invited me over to watch football, the first time we would see each other in maybe 6 months, and you hear her yelling at him for inviting me over.
Another ex friend.... his wife didn't want him to get a couple drinks with me, again the first time in maybe 6 months, because as she said he met sleazy women when he was with me. I pointed it out to her that he was with me when he met her.
Another was no longer allowed to go anywhere with me because he had too much fun when we were together. She even admitted that. I guess she didn't want him happy even for a day or two every few months.
Most married people are very into their family and don't have as much time for friends anymore. I suggest you get married. It seems like you have way too much free time on your hands. Families are usually so busy with their kids and don't have time for nonsense... get over it.
I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and moved into her home back in the summer. I have a great girlfriend, and a great career. I'm all set bud.
Several times I've lost friends because of their spouse. It was always the spouses fault.
I realize that their life has changed. I don't expect them to act single, and they shouldn't.
But.... when he invited me over to watch football, the first time we would see each other in maybe 6 months, and you hear her yelling at him for inviting me over.
Another ex friend.... his wife didn't want him to get a couple drinks with me, again the first time in maybe 6 months, because as she said he met sleazy women when he was with me. I pointed it out to her that he was with me when he met her.
Another was no longer allowed to go anywhere with me because he had too much fun when we were together. She even admitted that. I guess she didn't want him happy even for a day or two every few months.
That is exactly what I am going through! And yes, not once did I ever expect him to have a single person's mindset. I get that people change and grow while being in a relationship and when they get married. I am in a relationship myself so I know how it is. But He lives down south, and I am lucky enough to visit once a year if that. So to pay money to fly down there and spend some of my trip visiting him, only to find out that his wife is going to do everything she can to ruin it, really sucks. Especially when she knew ahead of time that I was coming down and acted like it wasn't a problem.
The following is my story. (I am the wife who broke up a 20+ year friendship.)
My husband's best friend, "Joe", was very possessive of my husband, "Steve". Joe had come from a VERY dysfunctional home (no dad in the picture, literally crazy mom) and had been neglected. Steve felt sorry for him and befriended him in the fourth grade, and Steve's family "kind of" adopted him. After high school, Steve and Joe went into the military together and then were roommates after that until Steve married his first wife until the marriage broke up after about three years, and then again for about a year until I entered the picture, and Steve and I got our own place together. (Joe would always get his own apartment while Steve was in any kind of romantic relationship.)
Now I admit that I always thought Joe was weird (verysocially awkward), but I was willing to give him a chance at being a friend of both of us because I felt sorry for him, too. However, when Steve and I moved out of state two years into our relationship, Joe actually followed us with no place to live, and so we allowed him to stay with us -- at which point Joe actually showed no consideration for us and acted as though I was the intruder (which i think, in his mind, I was). However, after he intentionally destroyed our romantic Christmas Eve dinner by coming into the apartment without knocking in the middle of us making love in front of the fireplace -- we had asked him to make other plans for just that one night (he did have a job and could have very easily afforded a motel room) -- that was it! I told Steve that Joe had to leave, Steve unhesitatingly agreed, and Joe was out of our apartment and mostly out of our life within a week. (Thankfully, he had saved enough by that point to do so.)
After Joe moved out, Steve and Joe would just talk on the phone once in a while (and get together every two or three months or so), and about two years later, Joe moved back to California, and after that, he would send a friendly type of e-mail to both of us once or twice a year and that was it. Anyway, it turned out that Joe was gay, as he came out about ten years after moving to California, so I think that he might have had a very secret crush or romantic love for Steve. (Or maybe he just greatly resented having anyone interfere with the relationship he had with his best friend and "brother".) As Steve was and is definitely straight, if Joe had ever made a pass, I am fairly sure that Steve would have immediately put some "distance" between them. Anyway, neither of us has seen Joe now in almost 30 years, and Steve now only talks about him very infrequently and casually. (For example, "this reminds me of a place in Alaska where Joe and I went fishing once.") The last time we heard from him was six years ago when we received a nice note from him after our son died.
Last edited by katharsis; 09-30-2019 at 06:29 PM..
How many of you have had a friend that you could consider family/been friends for years with, that has a spouse that has such an issue with you, that it could jeopardize the friendship? What have you tried to do to avoid it from destroying what you have with said friend, to the point where that friendship is beyond repair? One of my best friends who I consider a brother, has a wife that used to always be friends with me as well, but now has an issue with me. Long story short, she accused me of hooking up with someone close to her 2 years ago, and the only thing she has to back this crazy accusation up is because we were both checked in to the same bar for a band that was performing. (Ahhh, good old Facebook. ) She messaged me on Facebook about it cussing me out and then unfriended me. She also said she hated my political views, yet my views are similar to her husband's so I don't truly buy that one.
What cracks me up is that it was another friend of mine who had the idea to go! And not once did I even know her friend was at the venue, nor would I have cared! I have never done anything with this person, yet she has it in her head that I have. I have tried being the mature one in this situation, but nothing. I have given her space, tried reaching out to discuss it so that we can clear the air, and nothing works. Her husband knows I didn't do anything, and has told her to cut it out, but she refuses to listen to him. He also makes the minimal effort to nip this in the bud, and keeps telling me he wants no part of it. Normally I wouldn't care, but he lives in another state, so I don't get to see him that often. I visited him this year, and man did she make it uncomfortable for me. First day down there I was under the impression the 3 of us were getting lunch together. Yet she stormed in the house, took their daughter with her, and told my friend she was getting lunch with the baby, and that my presence ruined her day. She would call him and start fights with him cutting our nights short on the days we had planned to hangout, and even worse, made him cancel two of the days we planned to go to the beach and amusement park.
We keep in touch on the phone, but it's getting harder to do that now too. He only calls me if he is home by himself, or from his car if he is driving alone. If his wife is home, I can hear her making nasty remarks to both me and him, and he tells me he will have to call me later. Or he won't answer and will text me that he will call me when he's by himself. This guy is like a brother to me, but I honestly don't see this getting any better. I wish he would do more about this, yet he won't. You'd think his wife would be a bit more mature about this seeing as she is the mother of a 2 year old, but I guess even getting married and having kids doesn't always do that for people.
It could simply be that the wife feels threatened by your friendship/brotherhood with her husband. Some people are like this and it will cause them to act that way. This can be especially problematic if you're single.
Your true friends will still be your friends. You'll lose the friends that only identify you with having your spouse. Most of them won't be worth keeping. If you lose some friends, think of it as their loss as opposed to you losing anything.
I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and moved into her home back in the summer. I have a great girlfriend, and a great career. I'm all set bud.
As to a specific friend and a spouse that has an issue with me - it's a very long-time female friend (I'm female) and her husband is one of those sneaky controlling husbands who just happens to need her whenever we are trying to make plans to see each other.
BUT, he also recognizes my ability in my former profession, and he will encourage her to contact me whenever they need free help regarding research that would otherwise cost them an arm and a leg. He will encourage her to play my heartstrings to help her.
Without him, she's brilliant and reasonable and would have an upward mobility career without issues.
But, he makes sure she messes things up enough so that she can't leave him. In other words, he (someone she met at work and they still work in the same department) screws up her career just enough so that she can't leave him.
There's even more to the story, but you get the gist. Over the years, I have cut her off, then I feel sorry for her and get sucked in again.
I finally realized why she's successful at sucking me back in every few years - it's because she acknowledges my intelligence. And, as an old lady on a Section 8 voucher now, I don't get that very often. Because of our background together as former co-workers, she values my experience and intelligence and she honestly wants my opinion on legal messes they get into, and asks me to do legal research, which I'm really good at, but I'm rarely acknowledged at being good at.
It's really nice to be acknowledged and appreciated and to have an opinion that's wanted and valued. And I do get that from this friend.
I have come to understand, though, that this friend also will never be there for me when I need her. Partially because of her husband, but she was always like that anyway.
Bottom line is - you have to always calculate what you are getting out of a relationship and whether or not what you are putting into it is worth what you're getting out of it.
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) She messaged me on Facebook about it cussing me out and then unfriended me. She also said she hated my political views, yet my views are similar to her husband's so I don't truly buy that one.
