Family does not accept my refusal of cancer treatment (girlfriend, husband, person)

[kokonutty]

Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom

I agree. My first thought was that he reminds me of my husband. From the time we got married (mid 20's) he has always upheld his position that he wouldn't fight against all but the most treatable cancers (skin). He had all grandparents and a mother die of it. His first cousin fought it a few years ago. Genetics aren't on his side.

I have always respected his decision and his mindfulness and especially of his acceptance about the inevitable. We are lucky that we've not had to deal with this yet. But if you follow me in the personal finance forum you know that over the last ten years we have pretty much directed all our finances to set me up for his early passing.

I wish this forum had given OP a little more grace. He deserves nothing else...

What some (possibly including the OP here) consider "inevitable" may have no bearing whatsoever on what is
actually inevitable. The OP referenced past cancers in his family as a benchmark for his future as you are doing here regarding your husband; that may be nowhere near reality. The information provided by the OP indicates a 92% cancer-free probability five years after surgery. He never took issue with the statistics but continued on his suicidal path and disappeared.

[Marc Paolella]

Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar

A person does not have a “mental illness” just because they refuse cancer treatment at age 30. It’s not up to us to decide that it’s OK for an older adult to refuse treatment, but a younger adult MUST do everything they can to keep on living. The OP never asked to be born, so why MUST he fight for his life just because you all think that he should if he doesn’t really want to? Deciding that the life you’ve lived up until age 30 has been enough and accepting that you’re ok with not living long enough to grow old is NOT a mental illness.

Yes he does have mental illness. By definition. The natural and correct decision from a mental health standpoint for a 30 year old with a stage 2 cancer is to take action to save your own life. To irrationally decide to use it as a means of suicide is frank mental illness. To defend it is not exactly the paragon of mental health either.

[johnd393]

I've been treated for kidney cancer twice. 13 years ago and 3 years ago. There were no side effects. They did laproscopic surgery. One overnight in the hospital and went home. As surgeries go it was a piece of cake. I have part of one kidney left. I still have enough kidney function to live a normal life. I don't need any special treatment. There are no side effects.
There is no reason to die for this. You're 30 years old? 30 was 45 years ago for me. The happiest years of my life were still ahead of me at 30. You have a lot of living to do yet.

[STL2006]

The final decision is yours and yours alone. That being said, my wife was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer three years ago. At first she also voiced her objections to chemo and wanted to just try and manage it naturally and live what time she had without any chemo. I pleaded with her to please not do that.

Eventually she came around. She did heavy first line chemo for a year and it was rough at times, then she got into a trial that has rendered her almost cancer free (will likely never be fully cured). She has almost 100% quality of life and has told me multiple times how grateful she is that I pleaded with her to not refuse treatment. We’re at the beach with our kids this week, enjoying a family getaway. I’m really thankful she’s here. Just sharing our experience.

[Lbjen]

Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom

I agree. My first thought was that he reminds me of my husband. From the time we got married (mid 20's) he has always upheld his position that he wouldn't fight against all but the most treatable cancers (skin). He had all grandparents and a mother die of it. His first cousin fought it a few years ago. Genetics aren't on his side.

I have always respected his decision and his mindfulness and especially of his acceptance about the inevitable. We are lucky that we've not had to deal with this yet. But if you follow me in the personal finance forum you know that over the last ten years we have pretty much directed all our finances to set me up for his early passing.

I wish this forum had given OP a little more grace. He deserves nothing else...

This just makes me really sad. By that logic I shouldn’t have bothered to get treatment for the cancer I had 2 years ago. Cancer treatment is advancing at a very rapid pace. Most cancers are now highly treatable. If I had just decided that since I’d lost 2 of my 10 relatives to cancer, I shouldn’t even bother trying to fight, my kids would be motherless by now. Instead we are all happier and healthier than ever.

What the OP deserves is a chance at life. A chance he didn’t want to give himself. Trying to help someone to help themselves is never wrong.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by Ruby Hill

As a medical professional yourself, I'm curious as to why you would decline cancer treatment. I agree with you & the OP & also would not subject myself to treatment. But you have a unique perspective, a view from the inside, & I'd be interested in hearing more of your thoughts on this topic.

I would decline chemo and radiation because they are so toxic. This is beginning to be acknowledged by the medical community. Cancer does not occur in a vacuum. My preference is to try and identify what its connected to in my life. If I do not it will keep coming back.

Twice in my life (age 34 and 40) there have been symptoms of concern (I am in a very high risk group on both sides of the family) in 1993 and 1999. Both times the doctor told me "off the books" meaning as a person not as a doctor, to address the situations in my life causing stress. In 1999 i was told i had less than 6 months to live due to fast growing fast spreading growths in my chest in more than one area.

For me it was a wake up call that emotional distress and situations and relationships in my life could cause severe physical illness disease and yes even kill me. For each person their cancer occurs in an individual context and it is up to each person to choose how they examine and explore that context in their own life, or not at all. "what does this situation ask of me" is a question and a tool i still use to this day, along with "what does this situation ask me to be or become." Those may vary across the spectrum from person to person.

I am now in my 60s. I would consider a simple surgery. But no chemo or radiation. Everyone has to do what they feel is best there is no one size fits all. I have high regard for hospice and palliative care because dignity and comfort and respect are drivers.

[newtovenice]

Originally Posted by Marc Paolella

Yes he does have mental illness. By definition. The natural and correct decision from a mental health standpoint for a 30 year old with a stage 2 cancer is to take action to save your own life. To irrationally decide to use it as a means of suicide is frank mental illness. To defend it is not exactly the paragon of mental health either.

You cannot determine that ANY treatments will save his life, cause no harm, bankrupt him financially, make his life a living hell with side effects, etc.

He is not mentally ill. He is simply doing something you disagree with.

I know people who have chosen not to seek treatment and lived many years. I know people who have sought treatment and were medically tortured until they died.

Its not mental illness. It's an informed decision based on personal preference.

[Authentic Bird]

Originally Posted by foundedjames

I have been diagnosed with kidney cancer and my family does not accept that I'm refusing treatment. I can perfectly understand trying to change to my mind at first, since it's a shock and I would surely do the same in their place.

However, it comes to a point when you have to accept the decision. My mother and my brothers keep coming at me to try to change my mind at every opportunity. I've tried to explain that as if this isn't hard enough already, they are just making it harder. Instead of counting on their support, I'm usually angry at them.

Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation in their family?

Your feeling,emotions,worry,scare,sadness..etc are understandable, which means no one can blame u on it. BUT your attitude is EXTREMELY negative. Your comments give me impression that you are hopeless,depressed, suicidal. I'm not the only one who says that.

I'm not saying "suicidal" just because you refuse the treatment but because of your attitude and looking to the life. Your posts give me feeling that u originally, had issues (I mean u have somethings unsatisfied with in your life) which make u sad, then the sickness (cancer) came in and it just makes it worse. Cancer became like a chance that you wanna give up your fighting for only to end your life. I'm NOT saying that's the case, I'm saying your posts give me this FEELING.

You need to know that psychological factors affects STRONGLY and DIRECTLY on people physically; believe me people could die pretty fast from their sadness before sickness. It's not in your favor in the first place, you need a help psychologically and support from people around u, but FIRST, you need to help yourself by changing your thoughts, your extremely negative thoughts, that you keep telling/feeding yourself with. You don't need to give up a hope or to make a cancer looks like the end of life especially that all people know that cancer is not only one type and has differences from a person to another. Every one has his own condition. And you are not the first one who got a cancer and you won't be the last one. ( I wish u are the last one).

Your worry is understood, I don't blame u at all; you have 5 close family members who died due to cancer, but the question that I wonder about is, were these people EXACTLY had the same condition/stage/age as you? If not, why would you make them your norm? Why not to be the 6 one who got it and survive.

I think it's a good idea to be around people who have/had the same experience and survive in this period of time, don't be around people who are depressed themselves or disappoint you and make u feel bad.

You are upset of the first doctor who refused your condition because of your decision. You didn't state much details in order to to judge his method. Generally speaking, I know there are bad doctors who are missing the ability of communication skills with their PATIENTS, they are inconsiderate, they make things seem horrible and this has reasons, it's not my topic anyway.

But in your situation, to be fair, he might not be from this type of doctors. I mean maybe that doctor sees that this condition that he has is cured and there is a hope about it but he found a hopeless patient who closed the door from the beginning which made him upset. He could upset be for you not from u. He represented it that way and it doesn't work either.

You seem happy or rather satisfied with the second doctor who you said: respect your decision. But I'm telling you something. Let's be honest, What would the doctor lose if he accepted your decision? At the end of the day, it's not his life or family member, if he find his patient is extremely hopeless and depressed and not value his own life (I'm saying that because of your posts and attitude not because of refusing treatment, BTW), then he has nothing to do with u other that accepting your decision.

You want your family members to accept your decision, honestly if you were my brother/uncles ..etc I would not respect your decision either, I would keep nagging on u, as long as there is a hope, why to make it the end of the life?

Go read your posts & comments on the posters and see how you were very very very negative.

A small observation for u :

Yes, it would horrible to watch my family members get their hopes so high when the treatment seemed to be working only to have them dashed a few weeks later usually. It's a process I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Yes, I've beeing eating whatever I want lately even though I never really had bad lifestyle habits (never smoked, avoid junk food, exercise and will only drink alcohol on special occasions).

I'll probably quit my job 3 weeks from now.

-I see to stop making that lifestyle if that's will conflict with your sickness.

-In regarding to quit a job, imagine if you did, then you recovered your health, what would you do?

You would be without a job and would regret that choice later.

-I see to live your life normally as nothing happened, if you have bothering symptoms that interfere with your job, you can take a vacation (cuz this is a health issue, it should be understood to them). Eat what you are recommended to eat especially during your sickness and quit any bad habits.

-Know in details the procedures of the treatment and the doctor's (who you trust) view about it, seek a support from people who love u and want the best for u, seek a help for a depression and any other psychological issue, but the most important thing is, don't waste time.


I'll pray to the God for your healing.





Good luck

[Cedge1]

Anyone else see the all of signs of this thread having been posted as pure provocation by a low key but effective troll? My finely calibrated BS meter is showing a full pegged reading.

[riaelise]

Just fyi folks, the OP has been banned and this is in all likelihood a troll post. I guess if anything it was good for discussion regarding end of life, a person's rights, etc. etc.

Though I find creating fictitious posts like these in very poor taste. :/