Everywhere I go, numerous people point out my not fitting in (gossip, judgmental)

[aileesic]

Originally Posted by adventuregurl

OP for someone with no real friends it sure seems like you attract a lot of meddlers.

If someone sat me down and said I should move somewhere else (so they'd feel better because they're clearly not doing it for your benefit) I'd look them straight in the eye and say "if you think that's a good place to live why don't you go and live there? I worked hard to get here and I'm very happy and have no plans to change it." Make it clear that is the end of this conversation, for good, and that you don't need their "advice".

Or I'd tell them to mind their own business or worse. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being independent and a loner. You don't sound like a recluse or you wouldn't have been around that many people to begin with. Who cares what you look like? It's not their business. If they do, ask them why they feel that it's OK to comment on your looks and appearance, and "how would they feel if you did the same to them or their family members."

Why don't you try saying this to them the next time it happens: "what a hurtful thing to say" or "where did you learn your manners?" and then just stare at them point blank.

I feel though that there's something subtle about you OP, energetically (not your looks or behavior) that leaves an opening for semi strangers to say these types of things to you, otherwise this wouldn't happen repeatedly. People would NEVER do that to me. I encourage you to mine that piece of yourself from within. Look for where you might be allowing that or giving them an in.

I love the list that Kayekaye gave you in this thread...it's brilliant and exactly what I was going to suggest. I especially think volunteering and working on your sense of personal power, self esteem etc. through personal growth books would be very valuable for you.

BTW I live in Arizona and feel like you'd fit right in. I am not bold or brash - okay maybe a little bold or courageous but this is a very accepting and "live and let live" area of the country.

Good luck.

P.S. would you be willing to post a list of your positive attributes? We all have them and I've seen a lot of what you "are not" here.

Meddlers comes out of having no real friends I suppose. I can't think of another reason why this happens to me time and time again. But lately, things have improved somewhat. The good days are at least outnumbering the bad in terms of communicating with others. I don't know - maybe it's that time of year when people start thinking on why they go so far to treat someone else badly.

I think you are right about something subtle. So many people have told me that I look sad or lost, and then one person days recently that there is something "fancy" about me. I don't even know what that means. I cannot help my facial expressions all that much. My natural features cause me to seem either upset or not engaged in the conversation. I've got those sleepy eyes and downturned lips, and quite extreme prognathism. I've had a cosmetic surgeon look at my face, and with a distasteful look on his, said my mouth and jawline are the problem with my face. That's another one of the negatives that numerous people have pointed out about me, even my own mother.

I don't quite know what to say at the moment other than being thankful for the responses and advice received here. I surely think of myself as someone with positive attributes (interest in writing, art, accepting of others - even the harsh ones) but it always seems that the negative attributes about me are easier to call attention to because they are visible.

[Bungalove]

Originally Posted by aileesic

Meddlers comes out of having no real friends I suppose. I can't think of another reason why this happens to me time and time again. But lately, things have improved somewhat. The good days are at least outnumbering the bad in terms of communicating with others. I don't know - maybe it's that time of year when people start thinking on why they go so far to treat someone else badly.

I think you are right about something subtle. So many people have told me that I look sad or lost, and then one person days recently that there is something "fancy" about me. I don't even know what that means. I cannot help my facial expressions all that much. My natural features cause me to seem either upset or not engaged in the conversation. I've got those sleepy eyes and downturned lips, and quite extreme prognathism. I've had a cosmetic surgeon look at my face, and with a distasteful look on his, said my mouth and jawline are the problem with my face. That's another one of the negatives that numerous people have pointed out about me, even my own mother.

I don't quite know what to say at the moment other than being thankful for the responses and advice received here. I surely think of myself as someone with positive attributes (interest in writing, art, accepting of others - even the harsh ones) but it always seems that the negative attributes about me are easier to call attention to because they are visible.

I'm sorry OP, that you have people reacting negatively to your appearance. However, I have real trouble with the idea that a cosmetic surgeon looked at your face "and with a distasteful look on his" said your mouth and jawline are the problem with your face. I think you have such a negative self-image at this point that you are interpreting everyone's reaction to you likewise, even your cosmetic surgeon.

Look, I was born with a facial deformity as well. It was corrected surgically at 11 months so I could eat properly but it is still somewhat visible. I went through my elementary school years with my classmates asking what was wrong with my face and my junior high years being called "dogface" by bullying classmates. My self-esteem about my looks has always been low. However, I was evaluated for further plastic surgery at Johns Hopkins at age 20 and was told that it might cause more scarring, so I opted to live with what I already have. I have acquaintances and some friends in the volunteer groups to which I belong, and they accept me as I am. I see that volunteering has already been suggested and pooh-pooh'ed somewhat, but perhaps you can find a group that will meet your interests and accept your unique looks without pre-judging the person inside. I wish you all good things and a better outlook for the future.

[aileesic]

Originally Posted by Bungalove

I'm sorry OP, that you have people reacting negatively to your appearance. However, I have real trouble with the idea that a cosmetic surgeon looked at your face "and with a distasteful look on his" said your mouth and jawline are the problem with your face. I think you have such a negative self-image at this point that you are interpreting everyone's reaction to you likewise, even your cosmetic surgeon.

Look, I was born with a facial deformity as well. It was corrected surgically at 11 months so I could eat properly but it is still somewhat visible. I went through my elementary school years with my classmates asking what was wrong with my face and my junior high years being called "dogface" by bullying classmates. My self-esteem about my looks has always been low. However, I was evaluated for further plastic surgery at Johns Hopkins at age 20 and was told that it might cause more scarring, so I opted to live with what I already have. I have acquaintances and some friends in the volunteer groups to which I belong, and they accept me as I am. I see that volunteering has already been suggested and pooh-pooh'ed somewhat, but perhaps you can find a group that will meet your interests and accept your unique looks without pre-judging the person inside. I wish you all good things and a better outlook for the future.

Yes, the doctor did say it, and in that manner. Surgeons are supposed to be truthful, not fluff things over, and I was receiving an honest assessment from a professional. He was not being cruel, it was a consultation, that's it. My first time selling out such an opinion because in my family, you don't go to doctors to get things like noses and chins fixed, you just live it. Even if I had needed corrective surgery, my folks would have been against it. When I needed braces. My mother went into a rage over it, and then she would not allow anything that involved surgery such as getting the crowded teeth pulled. So getting braces was essentially all for nothing.

I just have an hard of a time understanding why some people keep claiming that I'm embellish things. They are plenty of videos or there these days showing how people truly lash out verbally, and sometimes physically, at others.

[aileesic]

Originally Posted by ocnjgirl

I still think there is missing information. I’ve been alive for 57 years, and never have I known adults I would say the kind of things that OPS saying they are saying about her and to her. I continue to wonder if perhaps OP is on the spectrum, or the people that she’s hanging around with have some sort of mental illness. Normal adults just don’t do this.

I've been very certain if this for a long time but again, my family (and the black community as a whole) truly despises people with autism or any sort of disability, especially if one does not possess the "correct" personality and looks to fit in with the group. I am more or less the black female equivalent of that short guy in the restaurant a while back who got put on the floor by an average-sized guy. As I recall, the short guy was barely above the average guy's waist. I've also taken an awful lot of flack for being short, too, because among black folks, we short, plain, rectangular ladies are not worth much.

Anyhow, yes, some of this does happen because of I don't feel like being confrontational or "cocky." What I have learned that small, sickly people don't come out very well in the end. That's why some people go missing and never seen again. That's why some of us just leave people alone. Say the wrong thing back to the wrong person and you are finished. If you are big and strong with plenty of people skills, then your are probably just fine. Those of us without all that must stay out of the way and take most of what life dishes out to us and make it the best we can from that.

[aileesic]

Originally Posted by Larry Caldwell

If that's who you are, own it. You will never be a movie star, except maybe Lon Chaney, Jr. If you are as repulsive as you say, you should have no trouble intimidating the neighbors.

I have no desire to intimidate anyone. Children do tend to stop smiling and waving when I come around though, and they stare really hard. People just don't feel relaxed around uglier people. I believe there has been a study on it.

[Cida]

Originally Posted by aileesic

I'm female.

For the first one, when I have asked what it is that makes me not so appealing, the response was that I am self-conscious about my looks but then just about everyone I've come across has brought up my looks first thing, and negatively, not in a way that has been helpful, so I don't know how a person would not become conscious of their looks if others keep bringing it up without much reason other than to insult me in some way. Everyone in my life (presently and formerly) has made ongoing jokes about my height, my hair, my face, my feet, and so on. At this stage in my life, I've pretty much decided to curl up into a shell and give up trying anymore, yet continue on with the nagging issue of fighting to stay where I am when so many people around here and everywhere I go seems to want me to be someone I'm not or encourages me to just go away.

Secondly, I've not had any luck at all with retorts. I've had people gang up to the point of threatening my life for speaking my mind and defending myself, so I'm about done with that. As I have previously stated, my personality can't make up for the lack of looks. I'm a social misfit and that's what hurts most.

Something sounds very off here.

You should have said, on the spot, "Well, if you think I'm too self-conscious about my looks, why are you making comments that will just make me even more self-conscious!?"

What is particularly bizarre is your saying your life was threatened. I can't imagine what you would have said to trigger that kind of reaction, but my conclusion is that you went over-board. I don't think, with the three sample approaches that I provided for you, that anyone could possibly threaten your life over those. None of my examples are that aggressive.

Look, if you came here wanting opinions, something sounds a little off, as I said, but I think it's dumb to curl up into a shell. Your social personality can certainly be changed, and your looks probably can, too. My opinion is that:

1. You should see a therapist
2. You should see if some kind of style makeover would help
3. You should join a few groups and try to meet some normal, civil people
4. And maybe you should move

Good luck.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by aileesic

I have no desire to intimidate anyone. Children do tend to stop smiling and waving when I come around though, and they stare really hard. People just don't feel relaxed around uglier people. I believe there has been a study on it.

Many, many studies.

Proving that people will fall all over themselves to interact with someone who is beautiful and appears friendly, and will openly ignore or even insult people who are unattractive and seem reserved.

And that goes for how children are treated, too. Well dressed, well-groomed attractive children are treated with much more enthusiasm than children who are unattractive, poorly dressed but are behaving the same neutral way.

[ChibaCat]

OP. I suggest you take a course in "Assertiveness Training".

[aileesic]

Originally Posted by Cida

Something sounds very off here.

You should have said, on the spot, "Well, if you think I'm too self-conscious about my looks, why are you making comments that will just make me even more self-conscious!?"

What is particularly bizarre is your saying your life was threatened. I can't imagine what you would have said to trigger that kind of reaction, but my conclusion is that you went over-board. I don't think, with the three sample approaches that I provided for you, that anyone could possibly threaten your life over those. None of my examples are that aggressive.

Look, if you came here wanting opinions, something sounds a little off, as I said, but I think it's dumb to curl up into a shell. Your social personality can certainly be changed, and your looks probably can, too. My opinion is that:

1. You should see a therapist
2. You should see if some kind of style makeover would help
3. You should join a few groups and try to meet some normal, civil people
4. And maybe you should move

Good luck.

It's easy to say what should have been said in hindsight. Some of what I have experienced happened far in the past. My intention was not make ever single thing seem as though they all happened just yesterday. I grew up in an environment of constant yelling and schools where the kids were standing and throwing each other out of windows. I went from living on bases and being sheltered to riots and sitting in classes where the kids cursed out the teachers and have those of us a "smackdown" for it joining in with their group. In one class, a couple of students were actually getting way more than friendly under the table while the teacher left the room. Sure, bullying goes on everywhere, but I don't think anyone here gets what is really like to grow up like me - which is why I never yet found anytime in life who can relate to what I'm saying - and on top of that have three strikes against you before getting a chance to take a swing.

If any of you here are an old woman short, black, awkward, sheltered, sickly, loner, child of parents who were almost elderly when you born, no friends or close relatives in your life while growing up and on through adulthood, personality disorder and perhaps autistic, so off-putting that most people choose to either point out your negatives or avoid you like the plague, nervous to the point of being visibly shaking, several debilitating illnesses, no sense of humor, even less sense of how to interact with people on a regular basis.... Oh, and there's so much more...... then let me know you are out there. I'm pretty certain there are none who share my experiences in life. My life experiences are unrelatable to everyone else because my personality is not like anyone else's.

I have seen therapists since early 20s.
I have been told to get a makeover but for what? I've said that I like myself enough the way I am, and I'm not about to spend loads of money I don't have on maintaining a look I don't really want or will keep. it's others who point out what they say are my flaws. I sure don't spend my time pointing out things I see wrong with other people. I don't expect any person to "fix" themselves because I don't like the looks of their hairstyle or their nose is too pointy. In other words, I don't go around telling people what I think they should change about their looks to please me.

I do attend groups. Nothing is wrong there. I'm speaking here on the issue of those who have come at me, verbally and physically, with no provocation other than their need to be aggressive toward someone they view as weak or unequal to themselves.

People are the same everywhere. I stopped trying to move to get away from people a long time ago, and although asking about a good place for plain, ugly people to live, I now realize nowhere is like that. Looking good is everything to everyone. No one chooses to be ugly or wants to live around ugly, boring people. Besides, I have moved for health reasons and employment. Both of those are at least better now than ever.

[Zoisite]

Aileesic, do you ever get people telling you to shut up? Or maybe not always exactly that bluntly and rudely, but perhaps in other words or actions to that effect that indicate they're impatient and don't want to hear any more of whatever you're saying? Maybe like people giving you the hand or eye-rolling or abruptly shutting you down when you're talking and then changing the subject or turning their backs to you?

With regard to so many people offering all of these unsolicited criticisms about you have you ever asked them what makes them believe their opinions matter to you? Okay, obviously from everything you've posted here it's clear to me that other people's opinions about you DO matter to you, otherwise you would not have posted this thread. But what I want to know is why do they matter to you, and why do those other people believe their unsolicited opinions matter to you?

Based on all the things you posted about yourself in this thread, I personally think you should start gardening and grounding yourself in nature, tuning yourself in to the peace and acceptance and sense of purpose and intuitiveness that mother nature has to offer to you. I am NOT talking about only keeping house plants but also about getting down and dirty bare handed into the earth outside at ground level and working with ALL things of nature for the health and stability of your body, mind and spirit. But I'm guessing you have reasons for not doing that. If you do have reasons for not doing that I think you should change your mind.

And yes, in case you're wondering, these are trick questions and I do have ulterior motives for asking them and for telling you my personal opinion about what I think you should do. But the intent is to help.
.