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Aileesic, do you ever get people telling you to shut up? Or maybe not always exactly that bluntly and rudely, but perhaps in other words or actions to that effect that indicate they're impatient and don't want to hear any more of whatever you're saying? Maybe like people giving you the hand or eye-rolling or abruptly shutting you down when you're talking and then changing the subject or turning their backs to you?
With regard to so many people offering all of these unsolicited criticisms about you have you ever asked them what makes them believe their opinions matter to you? Okay, obviously from everything you've posted here it's clear to me that other people's opinions about you DO matter to you, otherwise you would not have posted this thread. But what I want to know is why do they matter to you, and why do those other people believe their unsolicited opinions matter to you?
Based on all the things you posted about yourself in this thread, I personally think you should start gardening and grounding yourself in nature, tuning yourself in to the peace and acceptance and sense of purpose and intuitiveness that mother nature has to offer to you. I am NOT talking about only keeping house plants but also about getting down and dirty bare handed into the earth outside at ground level and working with ALL things of nature for the health and stability of your body, mind and spirit. But I'm guessing you have reasons for not doing that. If you do have reasons for not doing that I think you should change your mind.
And yes, in case you're wondering, these are trick questions and I do have ulterior motives for asking them and for telling you my personal opinion about what I think you should do. But the intent is to help.
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No. No one telling me to shut up because I have not said anything. I am a listener. I like to listen and observe other people and not have the attention on myself. That is why I am so uncomfortable when some have decided for whatever reason to point me out. I really wonder why they have such a problem with me, but then also wonder why they have problems with others as well.
I have some extreme health issues. I will stick with writing and drawing, thank you. Both of those are working with my hands and keeping my mind at ease.
The nail that sticks up gets hammered down. It happened to me.
Maybe try responding to these comments by calmly saying "That hurts my feelings. Why did you say it?".
It sounds like you have a job and are able to choose how to live your own life. Those are positive accomplishments to be proud of. Well done!
You can't control other people, but you can control your reaction to them. Maybe volunteering for the less fortunate would help you gain perspective and a thicker skin. I know it has helped me.
This is one of the most helpful responses. I would probably not think about saying anything hurts my feelings but would definitely ask the person why they are so bothered over what I look like.
I do already volunteer and my regular work is personally rewarding even though my looks make people in those places uncomfortable as well, but they at least don't point in my face and say I'm ugly, or need to change my hair, or need to do whatever they want me to do with my life, et cetera. My current coworkers simply don't speak (unless necessary or common manners) and go about doing their job without feeling obligated to talk to me or me talk to them. I prefer things that way because I prefer not to talk personal matters on any level among a group of people, especially since all that leads to is gossip, and I absolutely have no patience for gossip. My thing is, my idea of helping someone out with their life is not sitting them in front of five or more people and then telling them how awful I think they look or what they are doing wrong with their lives. That sort of advice should be taken away from the group and given one-to-one. And yet I have come across so many people, time and time again, who seem to enjoy criticizing others in front of other people.
No. No one telling me to shut up because I have not said anything. I am a listener. I like to listen and observe other people and not have the attention on myself. That is why I am so uncomfortable when some have decided for whatever reason to point me out. I really wonder why they have such a problem with me, but then also wonder why they have problems with others as well.
I have some extreme health issues. I will stick with writing and drawing, thank you. Both of those are working with my hands and keeping my mind at ease.
Okay, so you're just standing there quietly minding your own business and somebody directs their attention to you and just out of the blue starts with the bullying, criticizing "Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, you're so bad, you're so ugly, your clothes are so terrible, you're so negative this and negative that, etc. etc. and you should get out of my face and go away to some other geographical location on the other side of the country and yada, yada, yada, negative, negative, negative, blah, blah, blah". Really? And this happens all the time?
You said above that you wonder why they point you out and have a problem with you but that isn't what I asked you - the question I asked you was have you ever asked them what makes them believe their unsolicited opinions and criticisms matter to you? If you haven't asked them that why not? And why do their opinions and criticisms matter to you, why do you listen and take it to heart instead of walking away or telling them to shut the hell up and go away, to mind their own damned business and direct their unwanted attention elsewhere?
I'm aware that you have extreme health issues and that you're feeling old and sick and tired which is why I suggested that you need to let things of nature help you to get grounded, refreshed and to heal and overcome those issues, at least some of them anyway. I think you may also have some issues that you can't or refuse to recognize in yourself.
Are you afraid of nature? Are you in a wheelchair and confined indoors, or are you able to get out and about on your own and go to places where you can do your writing and drawing outside under the open skies and within touching reach of trees and plants, possibly near water? Away from man made enclosures and roofs, away from concrete, steel and wooden structures and other man made constructions, away from roads and the sounds of traffic and people and music and artificial noises of technology, away from people and other human distractions. So that the only things you can hear and see are the wind moving the leaves in the trees, the birds and insects in trees and plants and stones on the ground .... only things of earth, air, water and living things purely of nature.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aileesic
This is one of the most helpful responses. I would probably not think about saying anything hurts my feelings but would definitely ask the person why they are so bothered over what I look like.
I do already volunteer and my regular work is personally rewarding even though my looks make people in those places uncomfortable as well, but they at least don't point in my face and say I'm ugly, or need to change my hair, or need to do whatever they want me to do with my life, et cetera. My current coworkers simply don't speak (unless necessary or common manners) and go about doing their job without feeling obligated to talk to me or me talk to them. I prefer things that way because I prefer not to talk personal matters on any level among a group of people, especially since all that leads to is gossip, and I absolutely have no patience for gossip. My thing is, my idea of helping someone out with their life is not sitting them in front of five or more people and then telling them how awful I think they look or what they are doing wrong with their lives. That sort of advice should be taken away from the group and given one-to-one. And yet I have come across so many people, time and time again, who seem to enjoy criticizing others in front of other people.
I have a friend who says . . . "um, did you just say that?" with wide-open eyes, like in disbelief. Gives the person who has insulted her a chance to reword what they just said, or take it back. Works.
But I bolded a sentence because I think it's important. If you don't ask about people, and personal matters, it is very off-putting. For example if a coworker has been out sick just saying good to have you back, hope you feel better! or you know a co-worker has just had a child or grandchild, acting excited to see pics and ask after how they are, is just how to get along with people.
I understand that it takes effort, but that's how to form bonds and make people not see you as an annoyance, and not want to be around you.
You write well - is that what you do for a living?
OP, all I can say is that I am sorry that you have so many judgmental people around you!
I am certainly not gorgeous and I spend more on almost everything else than I do on clothing, make-up or hair -- and I am definitely the "natural" type -- but I have never encountered anything like you have described. I can't even imagine being told "you don't belong here" because of something so superficial as one's appearance!
No advice, but you definitely have my sympathy -- and I think the problem is with them and not you! Honestly!
I want to second the person who suggested volunteering. I would say join a church, go to a Sunday school class every week. Get involved in their activities. And/or join a service organization of your choice--working at an animal shelter, homeless shelter, community garden, boys and girls club--whatever interests you and show up for a regular weekly shift. Show up regularly. Keep showing up. Doing this will get you out of focusing on yourself, will help you feel useful, and may introduce you to some people who are also other-centered. Just by working beside them, you may find that you become friends.
OP, all I can say is that I am sorry that you have so many judgmental people around you!
I am certainly not gorgeous and I spend more on almost everything else than I do on clothing, make-up or hair -- and I am definitely the "natural" type -- but I have never encountered anything like you have described. I can't even imagine being told "you don't belong here" because of something so superficial as one's appearance!
No advice, but you definitely have my sympathy -- and I think the problem is with them and not you! Honestly!
I have been told to get a makeover but for what? I've said that I like myself enough the way I am, and I'm not about to spend loads of money I don't have on maintaining a look I don't really want or will keep. it's others who point out what they say are my flaws. I sure don't spend my time pointing out things I see wrong with other people. I don't expect any person to "fix" themselves because I don't like the looks of their hairstyle or their nose is too pointy. In other words, I don't go around telling people what I think they should change about their looks to please me.
I feel for you. If you were willing to consider a makeover, I'd be willing to contribute to help make that happen. Perhaps other would as well.
Okay, so you're just standing there quietly minding your own business and somebody directs their attention to you and just out of the blue starts with the bullying, criticizing "Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, you're so bad, you're so ugly, your clothes are so terrible, you're so negative this and negative that, etc. etc. and you should get out of my face and go away to some other geographical location on the other side of the country and yada, yada, yada, negative, negative, negative, blah, blah, blah". Really? And this happens all the time?
You said above that you wonder why they point you out and have a problem with you but that isn't what I asked you - the question I asked you was have you ever asked them what makes them believe their unsolicited opinions and criticisms matter to you? If you haven't asked them that why not? And why do their opinions and criticisms matter to you, why do you listen and take it to heart instead of walking away or telling them to shut the hell up and go away, to mind their own damned business and direct their unwanted attention elsewhere?
I'm aware that you have extreme health issues and that you're feeling old and sick and tired which is why I suggested that you need to let things of nature help you to get grounded, refreshed and to heal and overcome those issues, at least some of them anyway. I think you may also have some issues that you can't or refuse to recognize in yourself.
Are you afraid of nature? Are you in a wheelchair and confined indoors, or are you able to get out and about on your own and go to places where you can do your writing and drawing outside under the open skies and within touching reach of trees and plants, possibly near water? Away from man made enclosures and roofs, away from concrete, steel and wooden structures and other man made constructions, away from roads and the sounds of traffic and people and music and artificial noises of technology, away from people and other human distractions. So that the only things you can hear and see are the wind moving the leaves in the trees, the birds and insects in trees and plants and stones on the ground .... only things of earth, air, water and living things purely of nature.
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I think maybe you have not read some of my responses. I do have issues, have been in therapy since early twenties and realized something being wrong long before that, but it was my family who felt "too embarrassed" to seek help.
I am very out there in the open. I ride public transportation, take frequent walks to stores and wherever else, have a large body of water very nearby to visit whenever I can. I love nature and indeed have taken my pencil and paper as well as cameras out there to capture it. I am an artist and have sold some work, but I'm not dedicated to that really. My attention right now is toward helping others as they navigate through an almost impossible system to get help, and as well navigating some folks to where they need to be each day.
To answer your question, I've learned that it has not helped at all to come back at someone else in a way that is interpreted as confrontational on my end. If I say something like "What makes you think your opinions matter to me?" then I just becoming more of problem and at the point, one who deserves being hurt for not knowing my place with them.
Some of this, I believe, is partly due to "heightism" as well as being physically unattractive. I mentioned before that I am like the short guy in the bagel shop (but I'm a woman) who finally went ballistic over how he has been treated his entire life because of his height. Of course he does not have the most pleasant attitude but most likely that comes from years and years and being treated as nothing more than crap on the bottom of someone's shoe. Being short, unattractive to the point that your own mother says you don't look good, plus not being clear-headed enough, is often seen as someone who doesn't look the part of sophistication or have enough know-how to challenge any else on the spot. So on top of everything else, the actual thoughts and words tend to come out wrong. That's what I'm talking about when I speak on lack of communication skills.
But thanks anyhow for trying to help as much as possible. There is good advice here and I'm just going to have work things out, hopefully without making things worse.
I feel for you. If you were willing to consider a makeover, I'd be willing to contribute to help make that happen. Perhaps other would as well.
I think that's a kind but very naïve offer. How would you know whether or not a complete stranger with an unverifiable story on internet, a totally unknown recipient of your generosity, would use your contribution for what you intended it to be used for?
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or eye-rolling 
or abruptly shutting you down when you're talking and then changing the subject or turning their backs to you?
