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I have invested a whole lot of time, money, and energy into getting into the place where I am now and I absolutely love it. I am also an independent and as self-sufficient person as I can possibly be. Sometimes, I do now wonder if people take my preference in going about my daily life without much need or interest in constant contact with others as being snobbish or maybe even unhappy. I'm neither. I just prefer being alone most of the time.
Short. Not much of a figure even when lean. I think most on this forum already are already aware that I'm black and could not pass for anything else, but I am a quite odd-looking black person - unusual shade of skin, strange, unappealing facial features, not "black enough" hair (lengthy illness had taken most of that anyhow), etc. I'll put it this way. My looks have never won any friends. Unfortunately, the personality has not either, but I still don't see why I deserve being told to basically "just go away."
yea - i can't imagine people coming up to you and telling you to move away?
need more details. What are you trying to do? Start up a satanic cult or something like that?
Well, they don't exactly just come up to me and tell me to move. They get me involved in a conversation, sometimes around other people, and then start up with reasons why I should look at moving elsewhere, and then at other times have made comments about the way I wear my hair (everyone knows I am losing my hair because of a lengthy illness so I have to wear wigs, and because I don't make a whole lot of dough, those wigs are fairly inexpensive). I've had coworkers at a former place of employment laugh among each other on the other side of the cubicles while talking about the way I looked. All my life - from childhood - people have for some reason wanted to start something up with me and I've never been able to understand it. I sure don't feel like I'm that bad of a person. Different, yes. But not so bad to deserve constant berating from just about everyone I come across in life.
Not sure of where to post on this forum but serious question here.
In every single place I have lived, many people have called attention to my looks. Apparently, I'm just not attractive enough to fit in with communities where all the at least minimally attractive people live, and that seems to be just about everywhere these days unless the on the streets, jails, hospitals, and extremely dangerous low-income areas where I don't fit in either. So my question is where in the U.S. do more "homely" (not obese, just plain-jane, loner, awkward and uncoordinated) people live a decent life without being constantly criticized and pushed to move somewhere else by neighbors because most would rather not be forced to see me in public?
This has happened to me in every city and town I have lived since childhood and now once again is starting to make me think about giving up altogether. I like where I am right now - more than anywhere else - yet it's just another place to live. Everyone around me seems to either not understand what I'm doing here, appear offended or suspicious of my presence, and those that do talk to me keep pushing the idea that I should move out to some desert or some cold and rainy part of the country where I don't want to go and unfamiliar with, or places I've been but stayed sick and did not fit in either. It's come to the point that I just can't figure out what about me makes other people so uncomfortable, especially since I'm not bothering anyone, keep mostly to myself and do my own thing.
Well, you need to be asking them, not us. This is interesting, and I only wish you had been clear about your gender.
I figure there are two possibilities.
Either you're a perfectly okay-looking person with an awful presentation - awful clothes, awful haircut, awful posture, awful demeanor, awful social skills. And all that could be changed, of course.
Or you're really a homely person. That can happen, but there are still ways to "make the best with what you have" - and that doesn't in any way excuse their rudeness.
So, you should have been:
1. Asking people what exactly they find odd or unappealing about you. You should drill right into them with your eyes, and put them on the spot, even thought the answers may make you unhappy. And if they try to be evasive, don't let them off the hook. Keep pressing. If they walk away, follow them. Either you may get some useful information, or at least you may make them acknowledge their vagueness and rudeness.
2. Crafting retorts. From you're description, they may be just rude or mean, and you should be forthright about that. You could, for instance, say sarcastically "Sorry I can't be as gorgeous as you" or you could say showing wounded feelings, "Why would you say something so hurtful?" You could even say, "Luckily, I'm hoping for people who are more interested in brains and personality, not looks."
3. Thinking, after you take a good hard look in the mirror, if there's anything you could do to change things around.
I don't know if posting a picture would help in the long run other than giving yet more people fodder to poke fun at or Photoshop or whatever. Without the pic, I am medium-dark skinned (maybe darker or lighter depending on your perception of skin color) oval-face, slightly bulbous but small nose, shapeless lips, sleepy or "deep-set" eyes, and losing my hair so I wear wigs, and I have been teased about the way I look since I can remember. Kids used to laugh at my face from the side because it's flat, also got teased heavily for the hump at my neck, odd folds on my ears and horrid acne which left scars and subtle pits in my face for good. My teeth have always been uneven (have never been able to afford fixing) with white spots from what my mom said was high fever as a child. I have no butt, thick-waist, short and oddly-proportioned. And believe me, most clothing is uncomfortable and ill-fitting. Tops are always too long, trousers dip to low in the crotch, and hems that hit wrong still look wrong after altering. I've long crossed over middle-age and yet could pass for high-schooler because I never really "filled out." I've actually had a teen girl think I was student at her school.
From what I've described here, I doubt a photo is even needed.
I think lots of people just can't imagine how much harder life is on some of us. It is extremely tough when you have neither looks nor personality or health nor other circumstances going for you. And it seems being a person willing to accept being far from perfect but trying to make the best of things has still amounted to not much more than criticism and "advice on how not be myself" from just about everyone else.
The friends (none close) and not-so-close family either refuse to discuss things any further than their opinion (my thoughts are always wrong) or stop taking to me altogether. I don't have much need to talk with coworkers since my job is as an independent operator. I talk business when at work and that's it. Everyone around me does the same. They don't care where I'm from, just so the business is taken care of.
That's great! If that's true, then it means that this statement is not:
Quote:
Everyone around me seems to either not understand what I'm doing here, appear offended or suspicious of my presence, and those that do talk to me keep pushing the idea that I should move out to some desert or some cold and rainy part of the country where I don't want to go and unfamiliar with, or places I've been but stayed sick and did not fit in either.
At least you fit in at work, and I gather that you're appreciated for your competence. That's something.
What about the personality part of the equation, OP? I get that it's tough putting up with cr@p from people, but you brought it up, so I'm wondering if you have any ideas on what you might like to change. And you say tops are too long; have you tried petite sizes?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-09-2019 at 05:24 PM..
Short. Not much of a figure even when lean. I think most on this forum already are already aware that I'm black and could not pass for anything else, but I am a quite odd-looking black person - unusual shade of skin, strange, unappealing facial features, not "black enough" hair (lengthy illness had taken most of that anyhow), etc. I'll put it this way. My looks have never won any friends. Unfortunately, the personality has not either, but I still don't see why I deserve being told to basically "just go away."
So, you have no friends? Have you ever had any friends, at any age? Have you tried joining hobby groups, or other special interest groups, to meet people with interests in common with you?
It's great that you've achieved a place in life (do you mean this in terms of work/profession?) that you love Congratulations! I'm trying to think of how you might be able to build on your positives.
Well, you need to be asking them, not us. This is interesting, and I only wish you had been clear about your gender.
I figure there are two possibilities.
Either you're a perfectly okay-looking person with an awful presentation - awful clothes, awful haircut, awful posture, awful demeanor, awful social skills. And all that could be changed, of course.
Or you're really a homely person. That can happen, but there are still ways to "make the best with what you have" - and that doesn't in any way excuse their rudeness.
So, you should have been:
1. Asking people what exactly they find odd or unappealing about you. You should drill right into them with your eyes, and put them on the spot, even thought the answers may make you unhappy. And if they try to be evasive, don't let them off the hook. Keep pressing. If they walk away, follow them. Either you may get some useful information, or at least you may make them acknowledge their vagueness and rudeness.
2. Crafting retorts. From you're description, they may be just rude or mean, and you should be forthright about that. You could, for instance, say sarcastically "Sorry I can't be as gorgeous as you" or you could say showing wounded feelings, "Why would you say something so hurtful?" You could even say, "Luckily, I'm hoping for people who are more interested in brains and personality, not looks."
3. Thinking, after you take a good hard look in the mirror, if there's anything you could do to change things around.
Good luck. Try to meet it head-on.
I'm female.
For the first one, when I have asked what it is that makes me not so appealing, the response was that I am self-conscious about my looks but then just about everyone I've come across has brought up my looks first thing, and negatively, not in a way that has been helpful, so I don't know how a person would not become conscious of their looks if others keep bringing it up without much reason other than to insult me in some way. Everyone in my life (presently and formerly) has made ongoing jokes about my height, my hair, my face, my feet, and so on. At this stage in my life, I've pretty much decided to curl up into a shell and give up trying anymore, yet continue on with the nagging issue of fighting to stay where I am when so many people around here and everywhere I go seems to want me to be someone I'm not or encourages me to just go away.
Secondly, I've not had any luck at all with retorts. I've had people gang up to the point of threatening my life for speaking my mind and defending myself, so I'm about done with that. As I have previously stated, my personality can't make up for the lack of looks. I'm a social misfit and that's what hurts most.
So, you have no friends? Have you ever had any friends, at any age? Have you tried joining hobby groups, or other special interest groups, to meet people with interests in common with you?
It's great that you've achieved a place in life (do you mean this in terms of work/profession?) that you love Congratulations! I'm trying to think of how you might be able to build on your positives.
Thanks.
Never had any really close friends at any age. I have people that I've known for a long time and are friends, but they are not best friends with me - they are all much closer to other people in their lives. I'm more a less a "third wheel" in every relationship I've ever had. Guess I could also add that my parents did not have any close friends either. They both went to work and came home. We didn't go out together. Vacations were few and when they did happen, just me and mom with other family, or the folks would send me off to stay with other people. I kind of got in everyone's way - they had other things to do and enjoyed themselves more when I wasn't around.
I'm also a sort of third wheel at work, as I was the last hired and not that much in common with anyone there either. Thank goodness it doesn't require much more than getting from point A to point B.
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