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If you want to try out a spiritual perspective - imagine that you chose this before you came into this life as a way to teach you lessons you wanted to learn. If this resonates, it can free you from "victim" mode.
Every person needs to protect themselves the best they can. Everyone is a victim of something in some way and we all deal with it the best we can, just not to everyone's liking.
Oh, I forgot to mention, some people resent independent and self-sufficient people, as weird as that sounds. They think you're saying you don't need anybody else, which they see as an affront. *I* see it as an advantage. I have to know how to do things, fix things, or find someone in a jiffy who can fix it, because I don't have anyone I can depend on.
I agree. A very small number of people are resentful though. I just don't think most people see anything about me as an advantage. It's not resentment here, I believe it is mainly those who aren't satisfied until they are controlling others - the same as saying I'm in "victim mode" or have "self esteem issues." That's just more pointing fingers - no useful advice, so at that point, of course the conversation goes nowhere afterwards.
I don't go around pointing out other people's looks or what I think they should be doing with everything about their lives. I simply listen and try to learn about other people. What I'm saying is that first thing, most people will point out all they see WRONG with me without getting to know me. The way I see it, if they are not interested in learning about me as a person instead of jumping in right off with telling me what all about me is wrong, then they should just leave me alone.
OK, I haven't read past page 2 but I just HAVE to say something.
OP, have you taken a long, hard look at people around you? Go hang out at WalMart all day and look at all those people. Really look at them. There are some seriously "imperfect human specimens" out there - working, living, enjoying life, etc. Honestly, unless a person has a serious defect or injury, such as burns or missing limbs or something like that, I can't see that people would go out of their way to tell them they are too unattractive to fit in in a particular part of the country. What the heck is that about? And actually, even then I can't see a coworker or casual friend even remarking on it, let along sitting that person down and saying "you don't fit in here."
Also, maybe it was on a different page or whatever so maybe I missed it, but do you have tattoos or piercings or bizarre wig hair colors that may be unsettling to people? I am asking because sometimes things like that can come into play, especially in the workplace.
But if your clothes and hair color and all that fall within "normal" ranges, it hasn't been my experience that the general public or even coworkers care that much about a person's physical characteristics. And that includes skin tone.
Former military brat and wife here - I went to nine schools in eight years as a kid, for the record. Now I have never been flat out UGLY but I've also never been anywhere near glamorous and I have an imperfect figure too. But I also have a warm personality and a good work ethic and I've always been generous with the smiles if that makes sense.
True story by the way - When I was in high school, my dad worked with a woman who was charming. We had a lot of get togethers with his work family, and so she was a fixture at various events, and everyone liked her. Anyway, one day my dad said to me, "You're not going to believe this, but I was looking at ______ the other day and it hit me - have you ever noticed that she's NOT physically attractive at all? In fact, if you just take away her personality, she's actually physically pretty ugly. Now I'm not saying that to be mean - I am just saying that her personality is so pleasant, that I honestly never noticed that she's actually not pretty at all. I always thought of her as attractive in fact."
And he was absolutely right. She was absolutely physically an unattractive person - in lots of ways too, not just her face - but the honest truth was that she appeared attractive because her personality was so engaging.
OP, I would really recommend that you get some counseling. Please keep us posted.
I could have written that, except that I do have and enjoy random conversations with strangers when I'm out in public. And I'm no beauty, far from it. But I do have a nice smile. Practiced it in front of the mirror. Because without the smile, I have an RBF.
Maybe you do, too, and don't realize it.
But yeah, I prefer being alone most of the time, too. I've had it with people who want to argue about every little detail or whose automatic response to everything is opposition. Life is too short. They can go be unhappy somewhere else.
OK, I haven't read past page 2 but I just HAVE to say something.
OP, have you taken a long, hard look at people around you? Go hang out at WalMart all day and look at all those people. Really look at them. There are some seriously "imperfect human specimens" out there - working, living, enjoying life, etc. Honestly, unless a person has a serious defect or injury, such as burns or missing limbs or something like that, I can't see that people would go out of their way to tell them they are too unattractive to fit in in a particular part of the country. What the heck is that about?
Also, maybe it was on a different page or whatever so maybe I missed it, but do you have tattoos or piercings or bizarre wig hair colors that may be unsettling to people? I am asking because sometimes things like that can come into play, especially in the workplace.
But if your clothes and hair color and all that fall within "normal" ranges, it hasn't been my experience that the general public or even coworkers care that much about a person's physical characteristics. And that includes skin tone.
Former military brat and wife here - I went to nine schools in eight years as a kid, for the record. Now I have never been flat out UGLY but I've also never been anywhere near glamorous and I have an imperfect figure too. But I also have a warm personality and a good work ethic and I've always been generous with the smiles if that makes sense.
True story by the way - When I was in high school, my dad worked with a woman who was charming. We had a lot of get togethers with his work family, and so she was a fixture at various events, and everyone liked her. Anyway, one day my dad said to me, "You're not going to believe this, but I was looking at ______ the other day and it hit me - have you ever noticed that she's NOT physically attractive at all? In fact, if you just take away her personality, she's actually physically pretty ugly. Now I'm not saying that to be mean - I am just saying that her personality is so pleasant, that I honestly never noticed that she's actually not pretty at all. I always thought of her as attractive in fact."
And he was absolutely right. She was absolutely physically an unattractive person - in lots of ways too, not just her face - but the honest truth was that she appeared attractive because her personality was so engaging.
OP, I would really recommend that you get some counseling. Please keep us posted.
Well, I'm one of the Walmart people. I shop there and I'm okay with it.
I'm an older lady. I have never worn outrageous hair colors and no tats other than maybe for Halloween. I think many people also see me as uptight and probably unusual for a black lady because I'm conservative in my actions. I don't do slang (not that I use perfect English at all times either) but I'm just not very "wild and loose" I suppose. I'm definitely not bizarre, just odd for a black person, and odd to people in every region I've lived, mainly because I'm not really "from" anywhere (military, family members dead and gone, no hometown).
As far as where to live in this country goes, on the West Coast, if you are not slender, paler skinned (this goes even for blacks as well), have a certain type of look (I can't quite describe but most know what I mean) you are not that wanted in any community and will surely end up on the streets at some point. In the Midwest, you had better be FROM THE MIDWEST, or at least learn real quick where you belong or you are toast. In the South/Southeast, if you are not from there, not "big" or tall, do not have a big huge family or own guns, talk and act the way everyone else does there (including criminal behavior) you are toast. In the Southwest.... It is just too wild and crazy for the likes of me. One must be bold and brash to live somewhere like Arizona or New Mexico. I have never lived Northeast or Northwest, but again, I'm not very liberal either, and I cannot live in cold weather at this stage in my life. That's why I am very happy where I live right now, albeit in a place where looks are everything. At least most people in this particular area are conservative in their actions and activities. I don't fit in with them either and they don't want me around. But I'm conservative, and I like living where other conservative type people live, just don't share much of anything in common with them. Now I think you get my predicament.
I've said previously that I would probably have better experiences with others if I had a better personality, but I don't. I'm a slow thinker in person and can't help that. I don't really enjoy comedy or joking around all that much. I think aloof would be a good description for me as a person.
I understand a lot of what you are going through. For most of my life, I felt like I didn't fit in. People were always judging me, giving me unsolicited advice about my hair, make-up, clothing, weight, etc. I have never had much self-confidence, and I suspect people sense that and use it to further their own agenda. I am a tall, blonde, blue-eyed white woman with a weight problem, who grew up in Southern California. I am now very obese and disabled, but I am happy with who I am, and that makes all the difference.
Through the years, many heartbreaks, a nasty divorce and feeling like the odd-man out everywhere, I finally learned that I was the only one that I could depend on, and that I was the only one responsible for my own happiness. I have had good friends who were drop-dead gorgeous, and friends who were butt-ugly. I never cared on whit what they looked like, it is the person they are inside that connected with.
I know what it's like to want to fit in, to feel like you are valued as a person. What other people think of you doesn't matter all that much in the grand scheme of life. Be happy for who you are, enjoy doing your art or anything else that makes your heart glad. Nobody has a right to tell you how to live your life, how you should look or think, or where you should live. Stop taking what they say to heart because it doesn't matter what they think, it only matters what you think.
Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to. I would glad to have you as a friend.
1. I believe you, every word you have said about how people react to you and say to you.
2. I am white but know that the black community can be harsh about skin tone, when other less perfect physical aspects are added that would add more criticism. It is prejudice if they dislike you solely because of your physical looks but prejudice is a fact for many different communities. I'm sorry you have been treated this way.
3. If you cannot win the beauty contest you should try winning the personality contest, because that is completely under your control if you want to do it, and it sounds like you do want to fit in.
Sometimes when I go grocery shopping I deliberately smile at people although my personality is normally more introverted. What a super-power smiling at people is, they light up, some just a little and others a lot. Everyone likes to be "seen" especially people who are not gorgeous and often overlooked.
I think a lifetime of being told you are not good-looking has made those statements come true. But you can change your expression, your face is not made of stone. Smile at babies, smile at dogs, smile at people.
Here's a secret: I love to smile when I'm apt to run into people that I know dislike me. I want them to wonder why I'm so happy haha. I actually enjoy seeing them just to smile at them. Perverse I know but it's fun to do.
The world is a hard place for women, because their physical looks have been their #1 value for so long.
I personally reject being valued for my looks, have worked hard in my career and am smarter than most.
Not a lot of people invite me to join their group either but I'm not rejected at first sight.
My #1 suggestion to you (besides trying smiling at people for no reason) is to get a pet. They love unconditionally. If you can't have a pet then volunteer at an animal shelter or volunteer to walk a dog or someone who can't due to illness or age.
^^^ you live with a lot of generalizations, if you truly believe all that. Maybe, first step, is to learn about not applying such overlay approaches to people in general and you may find that their treatment towards you can be perceived much more personal and varied. And you can start seeing people as individuals....some worth reaching out to....just the way you want to be viewed.
Well, I'm one of the Walmart people. I shop there and I'm okay with it.
I'm an older lady. I have never worn outrageous hair colors and no tats other than maybe for Halloween. I think many people also see me as uptight and probably unusual for a black lady because I'm conservative in my actions. I don't do slang (not that I use perfect English at all times either) but I'm just not very "wild and loose" I suppose. I'm definitely not bizarre, just odd for a black person, and odd to people in every region I've lived, mainly because I'm not really "from" anywhere (military, family members dead and gone, no hometown).
As far as where to live in this country goes, on the West Coast, if you are not slender, paler skinned (this goes even for blacks as well), have a certain type of look (I can't quite describe but most know what I mean) you are not that wanted in any community and will surely end up on the streets at some point. In the Midwest, you had better be FROM THE MIDWEST, or at least learn real quick where you belong or you are toast. In the South/Southeast, if you are not from there, not "big" or tall, do not have a big huge family or own guns, talk and act the way everyone else does there (including criminal behavior) you are toast. In the Southwest.... It is just too wild and crazy for the likes of me. One must be bold and brash to live somewhere like Arizona or New Mexico. I have never lived Northeast or Northwest, but again, I'm not very liberal either, and I cannot live in cold weather at this stage in my life. That's why I am very happy where I live right now, albeit in a place where looks are everything. At least most people in this particular area are conservative in their actions and activities. I don't fit in with them either and they don't want me around. But I'm conservative, and I like living where other conservative type people live, just don't share much of anything in common with them. Now I think you get my predicament.
I've said previously that I would probably have better experiences with others if I had a better personality, but I don't. I'm a slow thinker in person and can't help that. I don't really enjoy comedy or joking around all that much. I think aloof would be a good description for me as a person.
Based on what you're saying, I'd say that it's more your demeanor than your looks that's putting people off.
I'm not "from anywhere" either because I was a military brat and then wife and I didn't settle into one area till I was in my mid thirties. So if I were you I wouldn't blame your issues on "not being from anywhere."
I am a regular ol' white girl, so I can only speak from that perspective, but I've lived in the west coast, on the east coast, in the midwest and in the south and honestly, I can see how a person's personality fits better in one region than another, but I also think your descriptions are a bit stereotypical. And frankly, judgmental.
One thing that I've noticed over the years is that I tend to fit in best in midsize to large cities. Small towns don't cut it for me. The people in general just don't seem as open to newcomers. But in midsize cities to large cities, people are a lot more open to the idea of someone moving from just about anywhere. So not sure about the size of the place you live but you might want to ask yourself if that may have something to do with it, I don't know.
Anyway, you don't sound so weird to me. But if a person is aloof or standoffish, regardless of their looks, I'm going to give them a wide berth. I mean, I have no idea why a person is aloof - maybe it truly is just their personality - but maybe it's me, who knows? So I just don't generally interact much with them other than to just be polite.
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