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Sorry to hear such sad and unfair things happen to you. I see that many posters on here have had good advice. They wanted to ask you questions, so they could understand more or less about you and help you.
Yeah, I see that the world is full of unfairness. But when we encounter it, we have to find ways to overcome it. I believe you are strong and smart, that's why you can live up to today. You were growing up on military bases, you must have moved around a lot, seen a lot, learned a lot of things. Those could be your eye openers. And you have a job, that’s very good because there are people who don’t have or cannot find a job for a long, long time. For me, having a job is VERY important because I would not have to depend on anyone, and I feel confident that I can take care of myself and take charge of my life.
You may have noticed that there are lots of people on here posted about their problems, being treated unfairly, being “different” and bullied or isolated by cliques at work or their neighborhood. Everybody has problems, more or less. But there's a saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
I hope this link could help you to not care so much about looks:
About your clothes, you can learn to fix them. For examples, if the tops are too long, cut them shorter and hem them up; if the bottom of your pants are too down, cut it up higher and sew it up. Learn sewing, crocheting, knitting, cooking or some hobbies for fun. Join gym or volunteer. Keep yourself busy, so you don't have time to see those mean and gossiping people around you.
I believe there are many people who care more about the personalities/characters than looks. And one thing very important is try to smile more even when you feel very tired or angry about something or someone. LOL. I've learned this from people around me at work. This is not easy to do, but it's effective. Practice, practice, practice.
Take good care of yourself. Exercise and eat healthy food daily.
Last edited by AnOrdinaryCitizen; 11-10-2019 at 09:39 AM..
I understand a lot of what you are going through. For most of my life, I felt like I didn't fit in. People were always judging me, giving me unsolicited advice about my hair, make-up, clothing, weight, etc. I have never had much self-confidence, and I suspect people sense that and use it to further their own agenda. I am a tall, blonde, blue-eyed white woman with a weight problem, who grew up in Southern California. I am now very obese and disabled, but I am happy with who I am, and that makes all the difference.
Through the years, many heartbreaks, a nasty divorce and feeling like the odd-man out everywhere, I finally learned that I was the only one that I could depend on, and that I was the only one responsible for my own happiness. I have had good friends who were drop-dead gorgeous, and friends who were butt-ugly. I never cared on whit what they looked like, it is the person they are inside that connected with.
I know what it's like to want to fit in, to feel like you are valued as a person. What other people think of you doesn't matter all that much in the grand scheme of life. Be happy for who you are, enjoy doing your art or anything else that makes your heart glad. Nobody has a right to tell you how to live your life, how you should look or think, or where you should live. Stop taking what they say to heart because it doesn't matter what they think, it only matters what you think.
Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to. I would glad to have you as a friend.
Thanks. What you have said here resonates with me. I am also a Southern Cal lady (although told I'm not that either) was raised here, left and returned several times. I've about had it trying to blend in to places where I've spent way too much time and never made a single friend or had many good experiences. My worst decision in life was leaving the second time (people were actually encouraging me to stay back then but I decided to take on family obligations which eventually turned my life into a rollercoaster journey of choosing between bad and worse with any decision leaking to a hellish existence). I look back now and regret that decision. Should have stayed and just found another apartment on my own instead of letting others make the decisions for me. But then again, looking back, I was also not well and in no position to take care of myself financially, so I had to do what it took to survive.
Not sure of where to post on this forum but serious question here.
In every single place I have lived, many people have called attention to my looks. Apparently, I'm just not attractive enough to fit in with communities where all the at least minimally attractive people live, and that seems to be just about everywhere these days unless the on the streets, jails, hospitals, and extremely dangerous low-income areas where I don't fit in either. So my question is where in the U.S. do more "homely" (not obese, just plain-jane, loner, awkward and uncoordinated) people live a decent life without being constantly criticized and pushed to move somewhere else by neighbors because most would rather not be forced to see me in public?
This has happened to me in every city and town I have lived since childhood and now once again is starting to make me think about giving up altogether. I like where I am right now - more than anywhere else - yet it's just another place to live. Everyone around me seems to either not understand what I'm doing here, appear offended or suspicious of my presence, and those that do talk to me keep pushing the idea that I should move out to some desert or some cold and rainy part of the country where I don't want to go and unfamiliar with, or places I've been but stayed sick and did not fit in either. It's come to the point that I just can't figure out what about me makes other people so uncomfortable, especially since I'm not bothering anyone, keep mostly to myself and do my own thing.
With that attitude it's not surprising you have difficulty.
Not sure of where to post on this forum but serious question here.
In every single place I have lived, many people have called attention to my looks. Apparently, I'm just not attractive enough to fit in with communities where all the at least minimally attractive people live, and that seems to be just about everywhere these days unless the on the streets, jails, hospitals, and extremely dangerous low-income areas where I don't fit in either. So my question is where in the U.S. do more "homely" (not obese, just plain-jane, loner, awkward and uncoordinated) people live a decent life without being constantly criticized and pushed to move somewhere else by neighbors because most would rather not be forced to see me in public?
This has happened to me in every city and town I have lived since childhood and now once again is starting to make me think about giving up altogether. I like where I am right now - more than anywhere else - yet it's just another place to live. Everyone around me seems to either not understand what I'm doing here, appear offended or suspicious of my presence, and those that do talk to me keep pushing the idea that I should move out to some desert or some cold and rainy part of the country where I don't want to go and unfamiliar with, or places I've been but stayed sick and did not fit in either. It's come to the point that I just can't figure out what about me makes other people so uncomfortable, especially since I'm not bothering anyone, keep mostly to myself and do my own thing.
Never in my life heard of anything like this. What exactly did they say to you?
Never in my life heard of anything like this. What exactly did they say to you?
"It's apparent you are not attractive enough for most people and nobody wants you."
That's what I was once told. Of course does not make it true, just surprising that it was actually said. And that's the thing. I'm rather confused by other people's need to shoot out negative attention and then blame the person they are aiming the negativity at.
I do happen to agree with most of the posters here about self-improvement, and I do as well believe most people are trying to be rude, just a few have a need to point out someone else's shortcomings with snarky comments or controlling attitudes without adding anything useful to the conversation.
Thanks to all the great responses here. Most have been very helpful.
I think when you get in a bad place, self-esteem wise, it can seem like everyone is against you where a very small percentage are actually against you.
It would be an interesting exercise for you to write down a list of everyone you come in contact with very frequently - neighbors, family, co-workers, and put a check by their name if they've told you don't belong and you should go back where you came from.
It may seem frequent (I'm not sure what kind of clods you work with) but it's not everyone.
I don't work with those people anymore. They were very negative, not just towards me, but just about anyone that didn't measure up to their standards. The rest of the people at that job didn't think highly of me either though, nor does anyone currently, because as I have said before, I am a slow thinker, aloof, and yes, I was diagnosed at an early age with learning disabilities combined with other psychological issues.
Almost every single person I have come across - relatives and passing acquaintances - has suggested that I should be living either somewhere else and that I pretty much stand out like a sore thumb no matter where I am. Just a few are accepting of me the way I am compared to those who dislike who I am. And for those who are accepting, all the other folks become critical of them, and so everyone eventually edges themselves away from me.
I've admitted to not having a very likeable personality but that's why I do my own thing away from people most of the time. The thing about that is, people still criticize me for doing my own thing and think I should either join the crowd and change everything about myself they want me to change, or get out of town.
I can't keep moving from place to place just to make other people happy. I am tired and sick.
I know I'm the problem and stay out of people's way because of it, but then it seems they still work in the background at controlling my life.
And folks wonder so many people end up sleeping under bridges. This is how it happens.
"It's apparent you are not attractive enough for most people and nobody wants you."
That's what I was once told. Of course does not make it true, just surprising that it was actually said. And that's the thing. I'm rather confused by other people's need to shoot out negative attention and then blame the person they are aiming the negativity at.
I do happen to agree with most of the posters here about self-improvement, and I do as well believe most people are trying to be rude, just a few have a need to point out someone else's shortcomings with snarky comments or controlling attitudes without adding anything useful to the conversation.
Thanks to all the great responses here. Most have been very helpful.
That's a really bizarre statement. I can't help but wonder what kind fo people you're hanging with that people routinely say things like that? Do they have some sort of mental illness?
That's a really bizarre statement. I can't help but wonder what kind fo people you're hanging with that people routinely say things like that? Do they have some sort of mental illness?
I thought at first that something must be wrong with the people say the things that have been said to me, but then quickly realized the difference between myself and them. Those who have made disparaging remarks toward me are either/or well-liked, well-connected, outgoing, come from large families and have always been very resourceful in their ability to gather close relationships, are usually worldly, and most are mentally sharp. In other words, they are opposite of what I am.
I did a lot of my growing up on military bases but that doesn't necessarily mean that I was all that much exposed to the world. In fact, I was extremely sheltered as a child with parents much older and no siblings or other relatives around, plus my parents were also not very likeable people - had few, if any friends. On top of everything, there were absolutely no other blacks on our side of bases where we lived. Again, neither parent was all that likeable which meant it came to a point that neither the whites nor the blacks on base wanted anything to do with my folks nor me. I grew up sheltered and isolated from the world despite the military. I also think my military parent was probably forced to transfer and then forced out after serving many years because of me and my difficulties adjusting made things very hard on everyone else.
I now realize that this has been the case in every situation with me, no matter where I live. Being sick, sheltered, and spending almost all of my teenage years as an isolated nervous wreck ruined me as a human being. Even though I'll keep working at it, the damage that has been done is so extensive that it might not ever be fully repaired.
There is an old saying that once you hit the bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. I found that this is true. After I left my husband, lived through years of abuse from him, my mother, and tons of others, I finally broke. There wasn't "me" anymore. I didn't remember what kind of potato chips I liked, what flavor ice-cream I preferred, and even lost the ability to type.
So I started fighting my way back, giving myself permission to enjoy the things that I liked rather than what others told me to do. I wrote in a journal, read a couple of books that made me see life differently (The Dance of Anger, and The Road Less Traveled.) I went to therapy. It took awhile, but I did come back, and I was stronger than ever.
You don't have to stay broken, or stay at the bottom. Put your big girl panties on (ones that actually fit) and start climbing. But climb your own ladder, the one that leads to your happiness. Don't even set foot on the one created for you by others, because that ladder will slide you back down to the bottom.
There is an old saying that once you hit the bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. I found that this is true. After I left my husband, lived through years of abuse from him, my mother, and tons of others, I finally broke. There wasn't "me" anymore. I didn't remember what kind of potato chips I liked, what flavor ice-cream I preferred, and even lost the ability to type.
So I started fighting my way back, giving myself permission to enjoy the things that I liked rather than what others told me to do. I wrote in a journal, read a couple of books that made me see life differently (The Dance of Anger, and The Road Less Traveled.) I went to therapy. It took awhile, but I did come back, and I was stronger than ever.
You don't have to stay broken, or stay at the bottom. Put your big girl panties on (ones that actually fit) and start climbing. But climb your own ladder, the one that leads to your happiness. Don't even set foot on the one created for you by others, because that ladder will slide you back down to the bottom.
The bold is where I'm at right now. Slowly working my back to the things I enjoy. I used to read a lot and had lost the will to even pick up a book for a long time. I like self-help, DIY, home design, adventure and ever so often some lightweight sci-fi. I imagine that combination is weird to some people as well, but I have never been that much feminine, although not "tomboyish" either. Yes, I'm female and although have been married, never quite connected on a romantic level. I think part of that comes from growing up with parents who never slept in the same room, and they never showed each other any sort of affection in front of me. It was more like a roommate situation. We did not eat together as a family or participate in family gatherings at the same time. If I went to visit relatives, it was with one parent or the other, never both.
Looks like I've a lot of personal changes to make. I sure don't plan on staying broken or moving back to the bottom after working so hard at pulling myself out of it. My next move is looking seriously at getting into therapy again, but would I have to consider how it might impact my current employment.
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