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Not sure of where to post on this forum but serious question here.
In every single place I have lived, many people have called attention to my looks. Apparently, I'm just not attractive enough to fit in with communities where all the at least minimally attractive people live, and that seems to be just about everywhere these days unless the on the streets, jails, hospitals, and extremely dangerous low-income areas where I don't fit in either. So my question is where in the U.S. do more "homely" (not obese, just plain-jane, loner, awkward and uncoordinated) people live a decent life without being constantly criticized and pushed to move somewhere else by neighbors because most would rather not be forced to see me in public?
This has happened to me in every city and town I have lived since childhood and now once again is starting to make me think about giving up altogether. I like where I am right now - more than anywhere else - yet it's just another place to live. Everyone around me seems to either not understand what I'm doing here, appear offended or suspicious of my presence, and those that do talk to me keep pushing the idea that I should move out to some desert or some cold and rainy part of the country where I don't want to go and unfamiliar with, or places I've been but stayed sick and did not fit in either. It's come to the point that I just can't figure out what about me makes other people so uncomfortable, especially since I'm not bothering anyone, keep mostly to myself and do my own thing.
If that's who you are, own it. You will never be a movie star, except maybe Lon Chaney, Jr. If you are as repulsive as you say, you should have no trouble intimidating the neighbors.
"It's apparent you are not attractive enough for most people and nobody wants you."
That's what I was once told. Of course does not make it true, just surprising that it was actually said. And that's the thing. I'm rather confused by other people's need to shoot out negative attention and then blame the person they are aiming the negativity at.
WTF? Who does that??? And why do you let people speak to you that way??
People treat you the way you let them treat you. Even if you look completely different than anyone, no one should have such lack of respect to even dare saying anything remotely like that. You need to walk with pride, have self respect, stand up for yourself and this will no longer happen, even if you decide to wear a pink wig!!
In the animal kingdom, the stronger will always prey on the weak and the different. It's to preserve the "only the strong survive" instinct. I am no scientist, but I believe that instinct survives in some humans. Others are just plain mean.
I think you were a child the other kids perceived you as different due to the way you look physically. Kids can be truly awful to each other in so many ways. I believe this treatment caused you to retreat inward, for protection and as a way to survive. I know that's what I did. This manifested itself in me as low self-esteem, fear, and never learning to stand up for myself. I learned to play by myself, never to stick my neck out, and letting others control my life with their "helpful" advice and forceful personalities.
I think adults sense this "weakness" in you, so they feel free to criticize and shun you. This doesn't make their behavior acceptable, it's just an explanation. Some people never grow up enough to learn to "live and let live" so they attack. For some it is probably to cover up their own insecurities. It makes them feel better about themselves to pick on someone they perceive as even more insecure than they are, and your reactions to their comments just enforces that perception.
Don't give them that power! Even if you are dying inside don't let them see it. Stare them down and walk away. Or just laugh in their face. I know how hard this is to do, but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. If they can't see that they hurt you it takes away their power and only makes you look stronger. They will eventually figure out that you don't buy in to their garbage, and since they are not getting the reaction they want then why expend the energy?
Note: my mother used to tell me this when I was being bullied as a child. I didn't believe her then, but I now know that it's true.
In the animal kingdom, the stronger will always prey on the weak and the different. It's to preserve the "only the strong survive" instinct. I am no scientist, but I believe that instinct survives in some humans. Others are just plain mean.
I think you were a child the other kids perceived you as different due to the way you look physically. Kids can be truly awful to each other in so many ways. I believe this treatment caused you to retreat inward, for protection and as a way to survive. I know that's what I did. This manifested itself in me as low self-esteem, fear, and never learning to stand up for myself. I learned to play by myself, never to stick my neck out, and letting others control my life with their "helpful" advice and forceful personalities.
I think adults sense this "weakness" in you, so they feel free to criticize and shun you. This doesn't make their behavior acceptable, it's just an explanation. Some people never grow up enough to learn to "live and let live" so they attack. For some it is probably to cover up their own insecurities. It makes them feel better about themselves to pick on someone they perceive as even more insecure than they are, and your reactions to their comments just enforces that perception.
Don't give them that power! Even if you are dying inside don't let them see it. Stare them down and walk away. Or just laugh in their face. I know how hard this is to do, but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. If they can't see that they hurt you it takes away their power and only makes you look stronger. They will eventually figure out that you don't buy in to their garbage, and since they are not getting the reaction they want then why expend the energy?
Note: my mother used to tell me this when I was being bullied as a child. I didn't believe her then, but I now know that it's true.
I still think there is missing information. I’ve been alive for 57 years, and never have I known adults I would say the kind of things that OPS saying they are saying about her and to her. I continue to wonder if perhaps OP is on the spectrum, or the people that she’s hanging around with have some sort of mental illness. Normal adults just don’t do this.
The nail that sticks up gets hammered down. It happened to me.
Maybe try responding to these comments by calmly saying "That hurts my feelings. Why did you say it?".
It sounds like you have a job and are able to choose how to live your own life. Those are positive accomplishments to be proud of. Well done!
You can't control other people, but you can control your reaction to them. Maybe volunteering for the less fortunate would help you gain perspective and a thicker skin. I know it has helped me.
I thought at first that something must be wrong with the people say the things that have been said to me, but then quickly realized the difference between myself and them. Those who have made disparaging remarks toward me are either/or well-liked, well-connected, outgoing, come from large families and have always been very resourceful in their ability to gather close relationships, are usually worldly, and most are mentally sharp. In other words, they are opposite of what I am.
I did a lot of my growing up on military bases but that doesn't necessarily mean that I was all that much exposed to the world. In fact, I was extremely sheltered as a child with parents much older and no siblings or other relatives around, plus my parents were also not very likeable people - had few, if any friends. On top of everything, there were absolutely no other blacks on our side of bases where we lived. Again, neither parent was all that likeable which meant it came to a point that neither the whites nor the blacks on base wanted anything to do with my folks nor me. I grew up sheltered and isolated from the world despite the military. I also think my military parent was probably forced to transfer and then forced out after serving many years because of me and my difficulties adjusting made things very hard on everyone else.
I now realize that this has been the case in every situation with me, no matter where I live. Being sick, sheltered, and spending almost all of my teenage years as an isolated nervous wreck ruined me as a human being. Even though I'll keep working at it, the damage that has been done is so extensive that it might not ever be fully repaired.
O.k. You've pinpointed a particular group which gave you problems but so what?
I'm wondering if you're misinterpreting what people are telling you. Like they say something, but you 'hear' something else?
Since you HAVE moved around a lot, it WOULD be hard to make close friends, and you DO have to start over when you move to another locale, and it takes time to 'fit in'. So maybe what they're TRYING to convey is more like "Where are you from? You don't seem to be from around here. Are you from the NORTH (SOUTH EAST WEST, WHEREVER " But you hear "You don't belong. You belong over there, up north, down south, etc.
When I started 7th grade, I was living in a new state, and of course a new school. I moved from Florida to Oklahoma, and there was much about me that made me look like someone NOT from Oklahoma. And of course, I had a southern accent instead of a Midwest accent. But those were things outside of my control. For the 9 months or so that I went to that school, I never did feel like I fitted in. But again...nothing I could do anything about.
You, having moved many times, have probably gone through that process over and over again, and somewhere along the line, you have internalized the alienation. I'm sorry this has happened. xoxoxo
I still think there is missing information. I’ve been alive for 57 years, and never have I known adults I would say the kind of things that OPS saying they are saying about her and to her. I continue to wonder if perhaps OP is on the spectrum, or the people that she’s hanging around with have some sort of mental illness. Normal adults just don’t do this.
I agree.
I've known all types of people and have never heard things said using words as the OP quoted. It doesn't sound like a way a real person would speak. The only place I've seen it is in kid's movies and it doesn't even sound believable there.
Maybe the OP is taking some artistic license and/or exaggerating what was said. I'm not saying that bullying doesn't exist, just the words the OP is quoting is not a way I've heard adults, even mean ones, speak before.
Having lived in TX and shopped at Walmart for most of my life, I have definitely seen many minimally attractive people. Nobody really seems to care.
OP, I second the counseling, simply because it's possible a counselor would be able to tell you if there's some sort of "vibe" you seem to give off-- and will do it because it's their job to do so, and will hopefully do so in a gentle manner. IOW, you might fare better at getting to the bottom of this than by asking friends/acquaintances.
This all seems odd to me, as well. I've known loners, and all that means is that people avoid them (because they think the person is not interested in them).... they don't feel the need to tell the person they don't like them or that the person doesn't belong or that they should leave. They literally don't give a crap, they just don't bother {with} the person. I've known people who are socially-awkward and annoying, and people steer clear of them, they don't feel the need to sit them down for a heart-to-heart about what they think is wrong with the person (it's probably the last thing they'd want to do).
I still think there is missing information. I’ve been alive for 57 years, and never have I known adults I would say the kind of things that OPS saying they are saying about her and to her. I continue to wonder if perhaps OP is on the spectrum, or the people that she’s hanging around with have some sort of mental illness. Normal adults just don’t do this.
This x1000.
I'm 47 and have never EVER heard anyone speak this way.
Anyone else? Raise ya hand.
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