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I'm one of 6 siblings, our mother is 93, and we all do what we can. Some can do more than others, we don't keep score. For many years I lived the closest, 200 miles away. I went up every 6 weeks to visit and run errands. When my youngest left home, I went back to work full time, and my brother moved near me, so he began the regular visits. Three of my siblings are unmarried, they may only make the 14 hour drive twice a year, but they stay for several days and let the live-in caregiver take time off. My mother requires full time care, so the limited time they are there means getting up with her at night, showering and dressing her, and seeing to her medical needs. The last sibling plans to move our mother into his home sometime next year. We may have our differences in some areas, but when it comes to our mother, we appreciate the efforts each one of us makes. And, as I said, we don't keep score.
Your parents did a good job raising their family. I always say it begins with the parents on how siblings get along. You are very fortunate.
Maybe your standards are too high and your sister thinks you're crazy for paying your mother to live in your house and buying her a car when she hardly drives.
Sometimes the child who takes charge gets a little obsessed with their "role" and the siblings see the problems inserting themselves in that.
Excellent post. "--Lack of insight into the many needs of an ill and/or elderly parent (maybe through lack of exposure to the reality of the situation); " I think that this is often the case. I'll give an example. I was the full time caregiver of my husband with dementia (and later a traumatic brain injury).While my son saw him when he visited once or twice a year for a week or two he never had full responsibility until I became ill and he had to care for my husband/his father. My son said that he had absolutely no idea the difficulty and the stress of caring for someone 24/7 until he had to do it for two weeks.
SO True. I think people think it's like babysitting, only for an adult which they assume means 1) the person doesn't need to be "watched" and 2) any illness-related caring is like making chicken soup and given them their meds. Like what you would do for a middle-aged able-bodied spouse who is home with the flu.
OMG it is EXPONENTIALLY harder than that. THEN factor in the dynamics of parent/child and the role reversal. And cognitive issues. It is really a unique animal.
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Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
My mom was hospitalized twice in the past four months. We have a four-sister text group that was going back and forth after Mom fell and cracked her pelvis. We needed to figure out how to get her to dialysis three times a week, schedule home health care aides, talk to the PT and visiting nurse, etc. I was out of the country but making calls and finding out info, what insurance might cover, etc., one sister who has an invalid husband got someone to watch him so she could drive up and talk to the home health care people, another sister who is the only one not retired was taking up the slack with the docs until I got home, and the fourth sister was sending photos of the carrots from her garden and talking about the barbecue she would be going to that weekend.
OMG I am so envious of the fact that there are several of you to share the load (even if 1 sister won't contribute.) It's just me as the the sole support system and "figure outer."
My siblings know why I’m the only one who doesn’t help. They have witnessed her treatment towards me and have heard me complain about her for decades. She has done some dreadful things which everyone agrees are horrible. They feel all should be forgiven because she is a parent. I don’t feel the same way. I am sure I will not be in the (substantial) will but that has no bearing on how I or they act.
We all have to live our truths and there are consequences for our actions.
They are resentful but I hope I’ve done a good job explaining why I don’t help because I care and love my sibs very much.
My family was dysfunctional - I mean seriously. My mom was bipolar (type 1) and my dad was a classic enabler.
I am the oldest and only girl. My modus operandi as a child was "Out of sight, out of mind." I basically tried to lay low, though I wasn't always successful. My mother was emotionally abusive to me and occasionally physically abusive but I lived more in fear of her tirades than I did of any physical abuse. To be fair though, I am not sure people really understood bipolar disorder when I was a child in the 1960s and 1970s and also, I do believe that both my parents were trying to do as best they could in many ways and that goes a long way in my book. I don't think either of them were psychopaths, or intentionally abusive for that matter.
Of my two brothers, one was adopted - and he was what I'd call my mother's "whipping boy." I loved my brother and tried telling my dad what went on when he wasn't home, but he didn't want to hear it. Of course, my mom didn't want to hear it either, and she NEVER acknowledged that she had been abusive. But she was more abusive to my adopted brother than she was to me, for a lot of reasons, none of which had anything to do with him deserving more abuse.
My youngest brother was the Golden Child. There's a considerable age gap between him and our other brother and me (we are close in age but I'm ten years older than my youngest brother). He was always spoiled and babied on - always. He was given every single opportunity and perk and benefit that any upper middle class kid could imagine. There was a huge disconnect between the way my middle brother and I were raised, and the way he was raised. Just huge disparities. And he actually told me one time, "Did it ever occur to you that maybe I get more, because I deserve more?" This out of the mouth of a teenager. Yeah, it ran DEEP in him.
Ironically, HE was the sibling that never lifted a finger for our parents. Not a finger. In fact, he didn't even want to go to the funeral home with our mother when our dad died (along with our other brother and me). He said "I just don't think I can handle it." I said, "Oh my gosh, it's not like they are going to ask us to wash and wrap the body. GET DRESSED AND COME ON - our mother is going to have all three of her adult kids with her today." Please!
The reason I'm not asking this in the Caregiving forum is that you probably never look in on that one.
I guess I'm just curious to know what you tell yourselves, how you see the situation: Mom and/or Dad is sick, dying or needs extra care, and somebody else is taking care of it. You must, on some level, see this situation as OK, because you never really offer much help and you aren't there to help. Your sibling is spending maybe 75% or more of their time caring for your parent, while you are spending far less of your time and/or money. Is there some specific reason why you think it's OK to let one of your sisters or brothers (usually it's your sister) do the majority of the work and take most or all of the responsibility for looking after your parent? Are you aware of just how much that person is doing for your parent financially or on a day-to-day basis?
If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?
I guess I'm just trying to understand what your life is like, what your inner justifications are for this, how you think you are helping, or why you think you have helped enough already.
Just curious. (I'm not here to start arguments, just would like to hear from the kids who aren't helping to care for their parents or have let someone else take the lead.)
My experience, for what it's worth (I was the caregiver kid) is that as long as one kid is doing it, the others feel free NOT to do it. In general, it's the one "not busy" with spouse, children of their own, work, etc., (if you're a single childless female, it's definitely going to be YOU), but not always. The only option that kid has is to STOP taking care of the parent(s) and, being the responsible type to begin with, that won't happen...
My siblings know why I’m the only one who doesn’t help. They have witnessed her treatment towards me and have heard me complain about her for decades. She has done some dreadful things which everyone agrees are horrible. They feel all should be forgiven because she is a parent with money.
Fixed it for you.
Even people who grew up in the same household as you (or I) haven't lived our truths. They never will.
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I don’t feel the same way. I am sure I will not be in the (substantial) will but that has no bearing on how I or they act.
We all have to live our truths and there are consequences for our actions.
They are resentful but I hope I’ve done a good job explaining why I don’t help because I care and love my sibs very much.
When the time comes, will they share their inheritances with you? I think we all know the answer to that.
The original question is a loaded question. There are a lot of answers to it. My observation is that people often have unrealistic opinions or expectations of what other people should or should not be doing. The situation is usually more complicated than anyone wants to admit. People like to assign ‘obligation’ without regard to the actual situation.
I’ve seen situations were the parent never actually prepared themself to be cared for in the later years of their life. They may not have the financial resources because of lifestyle choices. They may refuse to move closer to the kids. They may refuse to sell their house and downsize. They may refuse outside caregiving. They may demand to move in with the kids instead of an apartment or other housing. They may just have been a difficult person and refuse the help they were offered. They may have just decided the kids would do their bidding without ever working through and planning the realities of the situation.
The adult children are often still raising children, working full time or may have taken on other obligations or hobbies. They are willing to help, but only in a way they feel capable of helping. I’ve seen some family members/caregivers make unrealistic demands on the way things will be done. The other people involved find they can’t work with them and finally just walk away because they have realized that they have reached their limit… physically, emotionally, or financially.
That doesn’t help the person with the burden of caregiving, but that is the way it is.
The original question is a loaded question. There are a lot of answers to it. My observation is that people often have unrealistic opinions or expectations of what other people should or should not be doing. The situation is usually more complicated than anyone wants to admit. People like to assign ‘obligation’ without regard to the actual situation.
I’ve seen situations were the parent never actually prepared themself to be cared for in the later years of their life. They may not have the financial resources because of lifestyle choices. They may refuse to move closer to the kids. They may refuse to sell their house and downsize. They may refuse outside caregiving. They may demand to move in with the kids instead of an apartment or other housing. They may just have been a difficult person and refuse the help they were offered. They may have just decided the kids would do their bidding without ever working through and planning the realities of the situation.
The adult children are often still raising children, working full time or may have taken on other obligations or hobbies. They are willing to help, but only in a way they feel capable of helping. I’ve seen some family members/caregivers make unrealistic demands on the way things will be done. The other people involved find they can’t work with them and finally just walk away because they have realized that they have reached their limit… physically, emotionally, or financially.
That doesn’t help the person with the burden of caregiving, but that is the way it is.
Yes, It may start off with more than one child helping but then one of them takes over and the others get pushed to the side, their ideas and suggestions ignored and no compromise. For example ideas like a couple days of adult daycare at a nice friendly place that has been vetted -nixed! Getting an aide or cleaning help in once or twice a week- nixed! Respite care - nixed. Assisted living- never. Caregiver would rather complain, martyr and virtue signal than accept outside help. I suspect a control and guilt issue as well as a don't spend the money inheritance thing.
Fluffy,
You do not know my siblings, their situation or their motivations. Money is not the motivator for them nor for me. For all the faults of my parents, they raised offspring who are all very very successful and in stable and long marriages. Some are successful doctors who provide medical advice/entry to specialists and some are lawyers who provide excellent legal and financial support. No one provides money because everyone has plenty. Everyone does what they feel obligated to do and we all feel different about our obligations.
They deserve any inheritance more than me because they do the care taking.
Adult grandchildren are starting to take on some of the work. They have yet a different (better) relationship. Virtue is not its own reward but we all have to be ok with our choices.
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