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Oops sorry OP, I got parts of your story mixed up with the other posting about MIL on the other thread and gave advice. I see you HAVE gone no contact with her and do feel very free now. Good for you. I give you credit for stepping back but allowing your husband to continue to have a relationship with his parents. Has your MIL continued to just shrug the whole thing off as being the victim of something that you did to her causing the rift? Are you the only one that has gone no contact with her or have others as well? Sometimes when one family member calls BS on someone, others follow suit.
My husband allows the women in his family to control him, yet he thinks I'm the issue haha
His mom lies an gossips, and when you confront her she denies it. Hilarious.
We don't live in the same state anymore so we rarely see his family. But husband is too weak to put her in her place. In fact, he gives her money. Disgusting.
With the holidays coming up, how many of you struggle with MIL difficulties? Mine lies, fabricates stories, stabs even her best friends in the back. Her own mother didn't ever tell her she loved her, hug her, compliment her, no praise; for fear she'd become arrogant or overly confident. Because of a deep insecurity that developed from being raised this way, she's now a needy, insecure adult who hates women. She's arrogant, selfish, self centered, attention seeking, mean, hateful, jealous, envious...
I had a female friend exactly like this, she was always looking for ways to undermine or attack other women. Usually to make herself look better around them. I once remember her gloating about the fact that another woman she knew couldn't get pregnant. I tried to fade out of her life shortly before she died of terminal cancer. It was all just too much, and even in the face of death she couldn't stop being evil to other people.
The fear they feel with this person is an indicator that she could be a sociopath. It is their gut and instincts telling them to be careful and on guard around this very toxic person who likely lacks much of a conscience. These people learn to control and manipulate those around them using fear and intimidation tactics.
The sociopath I know will easily become angry or even fly into rages when crossed in order to condition and control those around her into not crossing her. It's like a child throwing a tantrum, and in the case of the person that I know, mommy and daddy long long ago became controlled by this anger rather than confronting it. Interactions are a game to this person in which she must always attempt to win and be in control. This person is a pathological liar and will portray herself as the victim in one way or another blaming and tarnishing all those around her. In reality, she is the one victimizing others with her many sick, pathological, and dysfunctional behaviors in life. She was diagnosed with a conduct disorder at a young age.
Does your MIL feel fear? If not, you are likely dealing with a sociopathic or psychopathic personality type. Those around her feel fear because they may sense that she does not and that she will do extreme, unacceptable things to get what she wants and how she wants.
The best thing to do is to go minimal or no contact. Do not get sucked into her toxic, ugly inner mess which will soon infect and spread to you as well. Get her out of your head as well. These people have a way of setting up camp in your brain and that is part of how they infect you. The less you see and hear of her, the faster she will pack her crap up and get out of your head space for good. Normal decent people are perplexed and disturbed by these types and it can cause you to constantly ruminate about situations trying to analyze what she did and any wrong doing on your part. Normal people don't like conflict and negativity and so it bothers them trying to make sense of it all.
You may start to think about ways to get even with her or win but don't do this. She wants this to happen as she thrives on it and enjoys it. You would have then entered into her game. It would give her a perfect opportunity to turn the tables, point the finger at you, and play the poor victim of mean, horrible you. Do not give her this as you would be handing her a gift. Withdraw yourself and your family from her game and in due time you will be able to sit back and watch toxic dramas unfold with those right in her vicinity. With you gone, she will certainly find new victims to feed negativity and pain off of.
This gave me chills. You really get it. Everything you said, I've experienced. Its such bizarre behavior, and dwelling on it further sucked me in. It's a sickness or disease, and felt evil. I couldn't be around that dark energy. She purposefully played head games with me. I've known her for over 30 years and you detailed exactly what has gone on in my head. Bouncing everything off of my parents who knew her helped keep my sanity. My husband grew up dealing with her heavy religious guilt trips (I detailed this over in the psychology forum thread I commented in). My mom used a term for what my MIL has done to the men in this family; it's how a bull becomes a steer... You nailed the ominous dark feeling. It's very real. Do you look at it this, way as I do? Do you attribute this to mental illness or a darker type of thing? The reason I ask is because I felt a suffocating feeling around her, like I couldn't wait to gather my kids and go home. You asked if she shows fear? She is very confident, and in control. She does however chatter incessantly, to be the center of attention. I was never sure if it was nervousness. She would ramble on and on saying shocking, mean and bizarre things around my kids..
Thanks for this, it's more accurate than anything I've Googled on this subject.
OP, while I haven't experienced the entire complex of what you describe, I did have a grandmother who didn't hug her kids or grandkids, or say "I love you". After putting some thought and research into this, I'd like to offer a piece of info that may be insightful.
I've found, that the lack of touch and physical expressions of affection was common in the Victorian era; strangely, it was regarded as the caregiver's job (if there was hired help) to provide the hugs and affection. Clearly, this was mainly an upper-class, or middle-upper class thing in that era. Kids of the lower classes tended to simply get smacked around. But people who didn't grow up with hugs and I-love-yous may have been experiencing this Victorian legacy.
This was also the era that came up with the "children should be seen and not heard" ethos. This didn't make for happy, well-adjusted kids; they tended to grow into adults with baggage. Some were able to overcome an upbringing without affection, others were traumatized by it. The Victorian era lasted into the early 1900's; some of our older members here had grandparents raised in that era; it wasn't that long ago, and its influence reached well beyond Queen Victoria's death in 1901.
If your kids ever ask why there are no visits with grandma, you could tell them that grandma isn't quite well mentally, and isn't able to be nice. Her behavior reeks of a personality disorder. Good for you, for protecting your kids!
Thank you for this information. It helps explain alot. Sadly her upbringing may have caused a personality disorder. My daughter thinks her grandmother may suffer from narcissism or she is a sociopath.
Oops sorry OP, I got parts of your story mixed up with the other posting about MIL on the other thread and gave advice. I see you HAVE gone no contact with her and do feel very free now. Good for you. I give you credit for stepping back but allowing your husband to continue to have a relationship with his parents. Has your MIL continued to just shrug the whole thing off as being the victim of something that you did to her causing the rift? Are you the only one that has gone no contact with her or have others as well? Sometimes when one family member calls BS on someone, others follow suit.
Yes, she's the victim now because we no longer see them. My daughter's experienced the craziness and lies told even about herself. So she's done with her grandmother. My MIL "acts" completely oblivious. She's innocent and wonderful. We're the ones with the problem. My 21 year old repeatedly asks "does she know what she says?". She has a reputation as a gossip. Think "Little House On The Prairies'" "Harriet Oleson" × 10.. She's the town gossip and will betray even her best friends. I hope she's been called out by now. My husband's only sibling, a brother is no longer living. So it's just us she messes with. I mean it when I say I could write a book about her. I'm able to pull back and look at it humorously sometimes. But the 31 years I was in the trenches were nuts. After I turned 50, I was no longer a "pleaser", realizing how stupid that was. I was young and seeking her approval, which gave her even more power.
I had a female friend exactly like this, she was always looking for ways to undermine or attack other women. Usually to make herself look better around them. I once remember her gloating about the fact that another woman she knew couldn't get pregnant. I tried to fade out of her life shortly before she died of terminal cancer. It was all just too much, and even in the face of death she couldn't stop being evil to other people.
My husband's father suffered a heart attack a few months ago so my oldest daughter visited him in the hospital. While she was there a sweet older couple from their town visited him too. They drove over an hour to get there. As soon as they left, my MIL leans in to my daughter and starts talking trash about them, putting them down. She does this about every person she knows. She fabricated a story that her deceased daughter inlaw was unfaithful to my MIL's son. She fabricated this story 2 days after a car crash took both their lives. Their baby who survived the accident was left in her care according to their wills. To this day she claims their child she's raised is not her sons.
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