Do you have a gossiping, controlling, manipulative mother in law too? (jealous, wife)
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With the holidays coming up, how many of you struggle with MIL difficulties? Mine lies, fabricates stories, stabs even her best friends in the back. Her own mother didn't ever tell her she loved her, hug her, compliment her, no praise; for fear she'd become arrogant or overly confident. Because of a deep insecurity that developed from being raised this way, she's now a needy, insecure adult who hates women. She's arrogant, selfish, self centered, attention seeking, mean, hateful, jealous, envious. The worst of it is she admits to raising my husband this same way. I could share all the gory details and honestly am not looking for advice. Maybe just to commiserate? I was the one to finally confront her and cut off our relationship after her lies became too many. My husband's contolled and manipulated by her therefore can't stand up to her so I finally did the confronting. Now my kids don't see their grandparents. My husband admits she has a serious problem, but thought somehow continuing on like we all were doing was our only choice. He made attempts; trying to get her to see how she was behaving but she'd burst into tears, further manipulating him and making him feel guilty. She denied any wrong doing so he gave up trying to confront her. When he spoke with his father, he too agreed she'd acted inappropriately for years. The men feared her. Everyone was too afraid to call her out for all those years. She controlled the men in the family and was the queen bee. I HAD LEARNED TO SMILE AND WAVE so my kids could have grandparents. She KNEW full well when she'd look me in the eye during our holidays that she was the one who had total control. It was a psychological game I didn't want to play. I was the bigger person but the toxicity level was through the roof. She didn't act like a typical grandmother with my kids because the focus was always on herself. She'd barely speak with my kids because she chose to gossip instead or talk about herself. She'd interrupt and change the subject because it wasn't about her, when I'd tell her about our kid's milestones. They didn't even know her. She didn't hug them or say "I love you" even. We catered to her. It was finally such a freeing, cleansing feeling letting her go. My kids and I haven't seen her for years. My husband visits his parents. I'm glad I made this decision because her lies and manipulations had begun hurting my kids, so it was time....
My in-laws aren't quite that bad, but they do have this over-protective know it all attitude towards my wife. I think a lot it has to do with her being a single mother and my wife being sick a lot. She can't just have a normal conversation with my wife she'll over analyzing everything my wife says and critique all her life choices to the point where my wife has become way to indecisive and gets real anxious about making decisions on her own. The thing that really steamed me is for the longest time after my wife was diagnosed with a genetic disease my MIL and BILs were constantly criticizing everything my wife did, basically blaming her for getting sick, telling her that if she did this and stop doing that then you would need this evil medication, you don't need these surgeries the doctors don't know what they're talking about, blaming it on what she ate, blaming it on not praying enough. Seriously you have a degree in nursing, you teach at the local collage on the subject and you can't wrap your head around the fact that there isn't a whole you can change about a disease that you were born with.
And it seems like the only time they try to talk to me is with these random gotcha type questions, or trying to rope me into really bizarre conversations where you feel like they are using what ever answer that you give them as a way to gauge you.
My in-laws aren't quite that bad, but they do have this over-protective know it all attitude towards my wife. I think a lot it has to do with her being a single mother and my wife being sick a lot. She can't just have a normal conversation with my wife she'll over analyzing everything my wife says and critique all her life choices to the point where my wife has become way to indecisive and gets real anxious about making decisions on her own. The thing that really steamed me is for the longest time after my wife was diagnosed with a genetic disease my MIL and BILs were constantly criticizing everything my wife did, basically blaming her for getting sick, telling her that if she did this and stop doing that then you would need this evil medication, you don't need these surgeries the doctors don't know what they're talking about, blaming it on what she ate, blaming it on not praying enough. Seriously you have a degree in nursing, you teach at the local collage on the subject and you can't wrap your head around the fact that there isn't a whole you can change about a disease that you were born with.
And it seems like the only time they try to talk to me is with these random gotcha type questions, or trying to rope me into really bizarre conversations where you feel like they are using what ever answer that you give them as a way to gauge you.
Wow, thanks for this. I'm so sorry your wife struggles with a genetic disease. A common theme I identify in both our situations is the need for "boundaries". With my in laws, it's very necessary to make boundaries clear, or they will walk all over us and take advantage of us. My own 21 year old daughter sets boundaries with us and we respect them. For your wife's sanity, and yours, maybe you guys should set some clear boundaries with her parents?
I'm also discussing this topic in a thread (not my own) over in the psychology forum. Some interesting and entertaining perspectives over there, incase you're interested....
The men feared her. Everyone was too afraid to call her out for all those years.
The fear they feel with this person is an indicator that she could be a sociopath. It is their gut and instincts telling them to be careful and on guard around this very toxic person who likely lacks much of a conscience. These people learn to control and manipulate those around them using fear and intimidation tactics.
The sociopath I know will easily become angry or even fly into rages when crossed in order to condition and control those around her into not crossing her. It's like a child throwing a tantrum, and in the case of the person that I know, mommy and daddy long long ago became controlled by this anger rather than confronting it. Interactions are a game to this person in which she must always attempt to win and be in control. This person is a pathological liar and will portray herself as the victim in one way or another blaming and tarnishing all those around her. In reality, she is the one victimizing others with her many sick, pathological, and dysfunctional behaviors in life. She was diagnosed with a conduct disorder at a young age.
Does your MIL feel fear? If not, you are likely dealing with a sociopathic or psychopathic personality type. Those around her feel fear because they may sense that she does not and that she will do extreme, unacceptable things to get what she wants and how she wants.
The best thing to do is to go minimal or no contact. Do not get sucked into her toxic, ugly inner mess which will soon infect and spread to you as well. Get her out of your head as well. These people have a way of setting up camp in your brain and that is part of how they infect you. The less you see and hear of her, the faster she will pack her crap up and get out of your head space for good. Normal decent people are perplexed and disturbed by these types and it can cause you to constantly ruminate about situations trying to analyze what she did and any wrong doing on your part. Normal people don't like conflict and negativity and so it bothers them trying to make sense of it all.
You may start to think about ways to get even with her or win but don't do this. She wants this to happen as she thrives on it and enjoys it. You would have then entered into her game. It would give her a perfect opportunity to turn the tables, point the finger at you, and play the poor victim of mean, horrible you. Do not give her this as you would be handing her a gift. Withdraw yourself and your family from her game and in due time you will be able to sit back and watch toxic dramas unfold with those right in her vicinity. With you gone, she will certainly find new victims to feed negativity and pain off of.
OP, while I haven't experienced the entire complex of what you describe, I did have a grandmother who didn't hug her kids or grandkids, or say "I love you". After putting some thought and research into this, I'd like to offer a piece of info that may be insightful.
I've found, that the lack of touch and physical expressions of affection was common in the Victorian era; strangely, it was regarded as the caregiver's job (if there was hired help) to provide the hugs and affection. Clearly, this was mainly an upper-class, or middle-upper class thing in that era. Kids of the lower classes tended to simply get smacked around. But people who didn't grow up with hugs and I-love-yous may have been experiencing this Victorian legacy.
This was also the era that came up with the "children should be seen and not heard" ethos. This didn't make for happy, well-adjusted kids; they tended to grow into adults with baggage. Some were able to overcome an upbringing without affection, others were traumatized by it. The Victorian era lasted into the early 1900's; some of our older members here had grandparents raised in that era; it wasn't that long ago, and its influence reached well beyond Queen Victoria's death in 1901.
If your kids ever ask why there are no visits with grandma, you could tell them that grandma isn't quite well mentally, and isn't able to be nice. Her behavior reeks of a personality disorder. Good for you, for protecting your kids!
With the holidays coming up, how many of you struggle with MIL difficulties? Mine lies, fabricates stories, stabs even her best friends in the back. Her own mother didn't ever tell her she loved her, hug her, compliment her, no praise; for fear she'd become arrogant or overly confident. Because of a deep insecurity that developed from being raised this way, she's now a needy, insecure adult who hates women. She's arrogant, selfish, self centered, attention seeking, mean, hateful, jealous, envious. The worst of it is she admits to raising my husband this same way. I could share all the gory details and honestly am not looking for advice. Maybe just to commiserate? I was the one to finally confront her and cut off our relationship after her lies became too many. My husband's contolled and manipulated by her therefore can't stand up to her so I finally did the confronting. Now my kids don't see their grandparents. My husband admits she has a serious problem, but thought somehow continuing on like we all were doing was our only choice. He made attempts; trying to get her to see how she was behaving but she'd burst into tears, further manipulating him and making him feel guilty. She denied any wrong doing so he gave up trying to confront her. When he spoke with his father, he too agreed she'd acted inappropriately for years. The men feared her. Everyone was too afraid to call her out for all those years. She controlled the men in the family and was the queen bee. I HAD LEARNED TO SMILE AND WAVE so my kids could have grandparents. She KNEW full well when she'd look me in the eye during our holidays that she was the one who had total control. It was a psychological game I didn't want to play. I was the bigger person but the toxicity level was through the roof. She didn't act like a typical grandmother with my kids because the focus was always on herself. She'd barely speak with my kids because she chose to gossip instead or talk about herself. She'd interrupt and change the subject because it wasn't about her, when I'd tell her about our kid's milestones. They didn't even know her. She didn't hug them or say "I love you" even. We catered to her. It was finally such a freeing, cleansing feeling letting her go. My kids and I haven't seen her for years. My husband visits his parents. I'm glad I made this decision because her lies and manipulations had begun hurting my kids, so it was time....
You remind me of this old song, "back in the day":
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