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I honestly think people can change…there is no hope if you don’t think change is possible but, there is power in what you believe and what you tell yourself. Augiedogie is right…if you want friends be a friend, be friendly, learning to listen goes a long way. I also believe you get back what you give out.
If you'r'e afraid to tell him something this obvious, he must be very dominating in your home life, as well. Sounds like a combo of an ego problem, combined with little sensitivity to others.
I would absolutely tell my spouse: "You tend to dominate the conversation and turn others off with work talk. Maybe try listening for a change and introducing more congenial topics of conversation."
There are "ice breaker" games you can buy that might be fun for guests.
Growing up he was the golden child but at the same time wasn't socialised very well (he says all this himself). So when conversing with people this seems to have led to the problem of dominating conversation but also not reading people at the same time. He has a high powered job that is always the main topic of conversation (and his job like most jobs is dull to everyone else) so while the topic of work will be going on and on, he doesnt see that everyone has tuned out. I have also seen him get annoyed if anyone tried to involve themselves in the conversation, like he thinks they are interrupting him.
I'm not going to lie, I would love to see him have more friends but this does affect me as well. We don't have couples around for dinner or whatever at all- and that does bother me. When we have had people around, they don't repeat visit or we dont get asked to theres.
Heck maybe it's me!
He isn't going to change, he is self absorbed.
The ONLY WAY to get to know people and form relationships and show an interest in their lives, find out who they are, from what you have described he can't do that.
You picked him, the fact that you also don't have any couples as friends speaks volumes.
We all unfortunately know people like your husband, and you can tell them right to their face that their narcissistic personality wears people out quickly, the thing is it falls on deaf or defensive ears. Because narcissists never want to hear anything critical about themselves, and will never admit fault.
I have a family member like your husband, I had to go no contact as have most of the family for our own sanity.
If you'r'e afraid to tell him something this obvious, he must be very dominating in your home life, as well. Sounds like a combo of an ego problem, combined with little sensitivity to others.
I would absolutely tell my spouse: "You tend to dominate the conversation and turn others off with work talk. Maybe try listening for a change and introducing more congenial topics of conversation."
There are "ice breaker" games you can buy that might be fun for guests.
Because from what is written, he sounds like a classic narcissist. You can't be critical or state the truth. They usually explode or become the victim.
They don't apologize, they're never wrong, it's ALWAYS everyone else who is the problem.
It's a no win situation. The OP already knows this.
The best the OP can do is keep and form her own friendships without him. The fact that she stated they have no couple friends, tells it how it is. They have probably gone through dozens of couples who had one or two dinners out with them, and than those people are in the wind.
While your comments were well intended, it doesn't work with these types. As they get older the worse it gets, and it can't be fixed by therapy or taking a pill. They really have to want to change, and with NPD it's rarely possible.
Your husband might need professional help to see himself as others see him. From the sound of it (just from the brief description provided here), it is probably going to be difficult for him to understand that he is not, in fact, the center of the universe.
It will probably take the involvement of a psychiatrist or psychologist to let him see what the problem is. After that, if he wants to change, the professional can help him with the process. If he doesn't want to admit he is the problem or doesn't want to change, all the professional help in the world (and all the loving encouragement from his spouse) won't make him budge.
You are totally right - talking about jobs is the most FRUSTRATING thing ever!
I always AVOID talking about my job and I NEVER ask other people job-related stuff!
As you said, it is totally boring!
Some weeks ago I was on a date & when my dating-boyfriend didn't know what to say he referred to his job - I had to force myself to listen to this...
In their free time, people want to RELAX and be ENTERTAINED!
I'm sorry to hear that you are not invited to other people. I can imagine that you feel upset and unhappy about it. And when people don't repeat their visit and don't call ya back, it means that something went wrong, most likely your husband is not spectacular enough.
However, I think even if you tell your husband, he won't be able to change his behaviour/personality. I don't believe that people can change.
If I look back to kindergarten, the same people for whom it was easy to make friends, got a lot of friends. Those kids who had few friends in knidergarten continue to have few friends.
I think it is genetically encoded.
It is not you, you seem talkative and you realized the problem, you realized the problem! You have the necessary emotional judgement!
He doesn't need a hobby! Having a hobby doesn't change his personality!
A hobby is nothing more than a REPETITION OF A MONOTONOUS ACTIVITY! Football is at least as dull as a job! Being NEW is important!
I'm sorry to say but this is VERY WRONG! This is even a dangerous advice what you give!
No one is interested in a well-behaved, striving, intelligent, nice boy!
Different rules apply for girls: Here, the more beautiful the girl is, the more likely someone else will listen to her, even if she has only generic things to say!
Being friendly is absolutely no guarantor of making friends!
As Micky85 wrote, she and her husband are very friendly and at least Micky85 is showing initiative, is very friendly and I think her husband also is and they already made friendly type things - NONE OF THIS WAS RECIPROCATED (they were not invited back).
* * * * * If you want to have friends,
you gotta be boom boom chitty chat chaika woah woah glitter glam glamorous
or hotspot totally spies! * * * * *
I hope you will be fine, Micky.
Finally:
KIND HEARTS DON'T GRAB ANY GLORY,
KIND HEARTS DON'T WRITE A NEW STORY. (Kim Wilde)
Interesting. I actually don't mind talking about jobs. I don't have one so I like to hear about others.
Just bring it up and be like: "You mentioned you'd like more friends. I think this can be accomplished by ..." That way you don't sound condescending and am giving him your POV and advice.
I remember a very wise conflict-resolution trainer who suggested something like this for many situations.
If some uncomfortable statement needed to be made that might offend someone or put their back up, the approach taken to present the information makes all the difference. When someone who really needs to hear it feels accused or confronted, they stop listening. Pull their head into their shell and start brooding over their next move. Not very useful.
First, you re-state what the person said. You heard them. It acknowledges that they are an equal in the conversation. Validating and makes them feel a bit safe.
Then you offer your opinion. Phrased something like "When this happens, I think this tends to be the result."
It is just your opinion. You are not requiring the other person to give up anything. Your motivation for suggesting anything is to help, not challenge. That also makes them feel a bit safe. It invites more discussion.
Don't just blurt out something like:
"You don't have friends because you talk too much about work". It's accusatory, true or not. I'm right, you're wrong. I'm better than you, so my way is the only way. Their response is going to default to defense/shut down. Then you've lost control of the whole topic. It becomes a battle someone must win.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-27-2019 at 04:23 PM..
'Talk less and listen more' is always good advice.......it's sad when a couple can't go out and socialize together. We have friends like that, and it's always because of the man's weird controlling personality. I feel bad for you. But talk with him very nicely and let him know how it saddens you.
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I can imagine that you feel upset and unhappy about it. And when people don't repeat their visit and don't call ya back, it means that something went wrong, most likely your husband is not spectacular enough. 
