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I like the meeting idea! It probably wouldn't work with my parents though.
Thanks for the tip. The boundary issues (at least with one parent) go beyond the scope of this thread. For example, not valuing my time, expecting me to answer the phone or calling back right away, dropping in without calling, things like that.
They aren't asking about the issues between the parents but personal information that's none of their business (i.e. job/work/financial situations). I thought about flat out saying "none of your business". Probably not a good idea though.
My brother did get married and there was a scene at his wedding.
I totally understand. I’m 60 years old, but I am still the baby in the family. I have one sister who insist that I don’t know how to take care of myself. I have lived in another state for 30 some years, ran a business for over 20 years with my husband, lost my husband to cancer, and I’m still coping perfectly well. But according to her I’m an idiot who doesn’t know how to write a check.
The personal information is about you? I thought it was about your parents. Then, I’d say something like “Work’s fine, and “ add a little funny tidbit. Like the boss is bringing in his dog now. Or the new mom who just came back from maternity leave brings in pictures every day of the new baby and he’s cute. Something completely innocuous, but still feels like you’re sharing. If they are digging for dirt, don’t give them any. But give them something that doesn’t make them feel cut off.
Like every business, every housing development I ever worked for; they all have a culture. We tend to think of culture as a human thing. As in Norwegians do this, Germans do that. In reality, everything has its own culture, even families. It almost sounds as if the culture in your family is to be all up in everybody’s business.
You don’t like this culture, but it’s your culture and you have to find a way to work within it. It is absolutely a learned ability to look as if you are giving people information and not give them real information. I’m not saying to lie, I’m saying to obfuscate. You’re sidestepping it, while looking like you aren’t.
..... I guess I would need to make it clear that this applies to everyone? ......
Yes, it should apply to everyone and they should all understand that. You may have to repeat yourself a few times to get the message across to everyone but if you stick to your resolve they will get the message. Don't be passive, don't be aggressive, do be politely assertive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tgm4256
..... Otherwise they'll probably think I'm being brainwashed or siding with the "other side".
Re: the bolded part above - Don't make assumptions, don't let yourself be concerned and controlled by what you think other people may or may not think about you or your reasons for stepping away from all the family drama. You are not put on this earth to please them nor to fulfill their expectations of you and your role in their lives.
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The personal information is about you? I thought it was about your parents.
Sorry I meant it was about my parents, but I have gotten nosy questions from relatives as well. On Thanksgiving, I was asked:
"How long have you had your house" followed by "Is it paid off?"
"How much do you pay for health insurance per month?"
"How are you paying for recent furnace replacement?" - trying to gauge whether I financed through the company, obtained own financing, or paid in full
"What's your work schedule?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom
Then, I’d say something like “Work’s fine, and “ add a little funny tidbit. Like the boss is bringing in his dog now. Or the new mom who just came back from maternity leave brings in pictures every day of the new baby and he’s cute. Something completely innocuous, but still feels like you’re sharing. If they are digging for dirt, don’t give them any. But give them something that doesn’t make them feel cut off.
Ya gotta be quick though. I'm sometimes caught off guard by these questions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom
Like every business, every housing development I ever worked for; they all have a culture. We tend to think of culture as a human thing. As in Norwegians do this, Germans do that. In reality, everything has its own culture, even families. It almost sounds as if the culture in your family is to be all up in everybody’s business.
You don’t like this culture, but it’s your culture and you have to find a way to work within it. It is absolutely a learned ability to look as if you are giving people information and not give them real information. I’m not saying to lie, I’m saying to obfuscate. You’re sidestepping it, while looking like you aren’t.
I like the idea. Perhaps I need to figure out some canned responses to some of the more common questions I hear.
Sorry I meant it was about my parents, but I have gotten nosy questions from relatives as well. On Thanksgiving, I was asked:
"How long have you had your house" followed by "Is it paid off?"
"How much do you pay for health insurance per month?"
"How are you paying for recent furnace replacement?" - trying to gauge whether I financed through the company, obtained own financing, or paid in full
"What's your work schedule?"
Ya gotta be quick though. I'm sometimes caught off guard by these questions.
I like the idea. Perhaps I need to figure out some canned responses to some of the more common questions I hear.
I’d answer the how long have you had your house, because that’s a who cares, and easily checked. The next question? “Getting there!” It’s true, but gives no information.
Health insurance? “Too much! Just like everybody else!”
The furnace? “I collected cans and turned them in for cash! It was a LOT of cans.”
All of these are meant to be said in a light and jokey way, and then change the subject.
Yes, it should apply to everyone and they should all understand that. You may have to repeat yourself a few times to get the message across to everyone but if you stick to your resolve they will get the message. Don't be passive, don't be aggressive, do be politely assertive.
I'm sure I'll have to repeat myself more a few times. It might come down to saying "I'm not the attorney or agent or representative for (person's name). If you really want to know, you can ask him/her yourself".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite
Re: the bolded part above - Don't make assumptions, don't let yourself be concerned and controlled by what you think other people may or may not think about you or your reasons for stepping away from all the family drama. You are not put on this earth to please them nor to fulfill their expectations of you and your role in their lives.
I try not to assume but that doesn't mean others don't make assumptions and think someone else is pulling your strings if you don't act like they want you to. That's why I am thinking of flat out telling them all that I'm no longer answering nosy questions or dealing with nonsense from either side.
I’d answer the how long have you had your house, because that’s a who cares, and easily checked.
Agreed. I think that was just to setup the next question tho.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom
The next question? “Getting there!” It’s true, but gives no information.
Good answer. I just simply said "no".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom
Health insurance? “Too much! Just like everybody else!”
The furnace? “I collected cans and turned them in for cash! It was a LOT of cans.”
All of these are meant to be said in a light and jokey way, and then change the subject.
I try to answer along these lines or say I don't know exactly. I was once asked how much I'm paid and I said "not enough".
I have an aunt that likes to ask financial questions that are none of her business....and other relatives have expressed their displeasure but nobody really calls her out on it. I guess there's nothing to be gained by doing that though.
Boundaries, humor, and redirecting the conversation often work best.
"Why do you ask?" is my first response when caught off guard by a question that steps over the line.
If the response is, "no reason," or "just curious," I move onto another topic.
If they persist, a nutty answer often works. "If you must know, Idris Elba moved in with Mom and he's getting on her last nerve," or "Dad's taken up sky diving and I haven't seen them in a while."
Or anything that is totally out of character, then move onto another topic.
you aren't going to stop them from using you as a sounding board, but you can stop internalizing what they say about each other. And certainly don't pass it along or share it. If you do that you are being forced into a role you don't want...an accomplice. You can try something i like to call the black hole instead of the mirror approach.
When one of them throws negative comments, gossip, or whatever about the other, you don't reflect/return/or enlarge it. It goes into a black hole. Stuff goes in, but it doesn't come out. If they ask whether you know something specific, you don't know anything specific, have no opinion. You don't encourage, engage, participate, take sides. Don't feed into what they want. Change the topic. Every time they start in, you disengage in a nonconfrontive manner. Eventually they'll learn that they aren't getting what they want from you. Eventually they'll stop trying to include you. You are not giving them what they hoped for.
this^^^^^
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Solly says — Be nice!
