Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
change the subject.
don't answer questions.
find a stock phrase to say and repeat it as often as neeeded, they'll get the idea, such as
"i'm changing the subject" "that's not something we're going to discuss" or even something blatant and silly like, "How about those Lakers" or "This is some weather we've been having" or "read any good books lately" or "where are you going on your next vacation"
"I'm sorry, you'll have to ask Dad for that information." Repeat as many times as necessary.
Well said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel
change the subject.
don't answer questions.
find a stock phrase to say and repeat it as often as neeeded, they'll get the idea, such as
"i'm changing the subject" "that's not something we're going to discuss" or even something blatant and silly like, "How about those Lakers" or "This is some weather we've been having" or "read any good books lately" or "where are you going on your next vacation"
You have unwittingly been half of the problem for allowing yourself to be an unwilling middle man for several years. As long as they know you will still permit them to discuss these things with you or ask you questions they will never stop doing it, it will never end. So you have to make it plain that you don't want to hear about it any more and you need to shut them down if they try.
If it was me I wouldn't be polite if they keep on at it, I'd get really angry at all of them. I'd tell them I'm sick and tired of hearing or being asked about all their ongoing gossipy crap and petty complaints and they can go stifle themselves, grow up and get a life.
If you can't bring yourself to get angry with them to get your point across then don't, but the very least you can do is to be a mensch and stand up for yourself and your own honour if not for anyone else. Walk away from it. Make it obvious to them you will no longer listen or respond, that you're over and done with all the gossip, won't be part of it and they need to take it somewhere else.
"A mensch is someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being "a real mensch" is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous."
Parents divorced over years ago after being married for 30 years
They have badmouthed each other, not only to me but to other relatives. It seems like every time we have a conversation, there is at least one remark about the other parent.
Some of the relatives on my mom's side of the family are nosy af. On Thanksgiving, a few were asking me questions about my dad's job situation. When I saw my dad, he asked me about them and badmouthed some of them.
It's like I'm the "middle man" in a situation that I had no control over, never asked to be in this situation. I remember when my parents were first divorced, feeling that relatives were watching me at a holiday to see how I would react.
What's the best way to handle these types of questions? I suppose it's time for me to flat out stop giving out information about anyone? Perhaps I should ask why they're asking (three relatives asked the same question) or tell them all that I'm no longer going to give them information but I can put them in touch with him if they're curious or vice versa?
Tell both of your parents that they may have divorced each other, but you didn’t divorce them and to stop bad mouthing each other to you. Parents should not no matter how old their kids are shouldn’t bad mouth each other to their kids.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given is that you don't have to be nice to people who overstep their boundaries. It wouldn't be wrong for you to speak up for yourself. How far you take it is up to you.
I dearly wish I had validated some of my Moms remarks about my Bio Dad. She deserved to know her feelings were being acknowledged . For it was true what she said - As unkind as it sounded, she found at times it necessary to be heard for the experience it had on her and our family. He also said things of her....which I did not acknowledge. Her housecleaning was not A plus. Which was true. During his dying days He sincerely did realize the severe hardship he left my mom with in raising 7 kids on her own. He definitely didn't utter unkindness those days....
So sometimes just by being in the middle you can have the ability to acknowledge....gain some listening skills and validate only that which is true for the person. Maybe they are angry....Simply acknowledge that part! Or if they say...Uncle Johnny was a tight wad! Never gave a penny....You can chime in and say...Sounds like you value sharing or contributing to a cause. There are often ways to turn things around and still not come off as taking sides.
I can assure you I have my dark opinions of a Former Daughter In Law...Yet I refuse to air that dirty laundry at family gatherings. If her name is uttered I take the silent path and secretly count my days til my grandson can hear the entire truth of her selfish and deceptive antics. In due time the truth will set him free.
Parents divorced over years ago after being married for 30 years
They have badmouthed each other, not only to me but to other relatives. It seems like every time we have a conversation, there is at least one remark about the other parent.
Some of the relatives on my mom's side of the family are nosy af. On Thanksgiving, a few were asking me questions about my dad's job situation. When I saw my dad, he asked me about them and badmouthed some of them.
It's like I'm the "middle man" in a situation that I had no control over, never asked to be in this situation. I remember when my parents were first divorced, feeling that relatives were watching me at a holiday to see how I would react.
What's the best way to handle these types of questions? I suppose it's time for me to flat out stop giving out information about anyone? Perhaps I should ask why they're asking (three relatives asked the same question) or tell them all that I'm no longer going to give them information but I can put them in touch with him if they're curious or vice versa?
Had a friend who went through the same thing. Here’s what she did. She invited both her parents out for coffee, with them not knowing they were both going to be there.
When they got upset, she stopped them by saying I called a family meeting. She told them flat out, that although she was now an adult, she was still their daughter, and as such, she doesn’t need to be in the middle. Their issues were between them, not her.
She told them how their sniping about each other made her feel and they agreed it was wrong. And they stopped.
And she stopped making the accommodations she had been making for them. Her attitude was they had gotten along for 20 years married, they could get along divorced.
Now — my friend’s parents were probably more adult than yours, and the reasons they divorced were more that they had grown apart but you can tell your parents this separately, if bringing them together would start WW3. With repercussions, if they don’t stop. And if they start up — tell them, I told you won’t listen to this anymore, and leave. When you are setting boundaries with people who have had no boundaries before, following through with the repercussions is MANDATORY, so don’t make the punishment something you can’t abide either.
With regards to other family members — the proper thing to say to them is “My parent’s problems are between my parents.” That’s setting a boundary. And if they keep on about it, set the boundary again, and if they won’t abide by it, leave.
Just keep in mind, that what’s going on between your parents is none of your business, aside from they are now divorced. Think about when you get married, and this crap starting up at your wedding. Or when you have kids and you have to have TWO holidays, because your parents each DESERVE a holiday with their grandkids, and they can’t be in the same room.
They fell in love, got married and had a family... it’s time for them to be ADULTS.
Ask them politely to stop talking about the other.
When they keep asking, repeat yourself over and over by asking them politely to stop talking about the other.
They will keep asking, you have to keep politely asking.
Eventually they will get the point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy
You tell them flat out every single time you will no longer discuss your father , or You won’t discuss your mother, and repeat. You don’t offer information about what they are doing with anyone and change the subject. Parnassia is spot on.
My dad asked me questions about my mother's boyfriend and whether he moved in with her. He did but I just said I don't know. It is not the first time he has asked. Guess I wlil need to take this a step further and ask them to stop asking about the "other side".
You have unwittingly been half of the problem for allowing yourself to be an unwilling middle man for several years. As long as they know you will still permit them to discuss these things with you or ask you questions they will never stop doing it, it will never end. So you have to make it plain that you don't want to hear about it any more and you need to shut them down if they try.
Yep. If someone asks "how is he/she doing", I could answer "fine" and leave it at that. No need to discuss further.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite
If it was me I wouldn't be polite if they keep on at it, I'd get really angry at all of them. I'd tell them I'm sick and tired of hearing or being asked about all their ongoing gossipy crap and petty complaints and they can go stifle themselves, grow up and get a life.
This will be the next step if politely asking them to stop doesn't work. Both sides are equally guilty of this sort of crap.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite
If you can't bring yourself to get angry with them to get your point across then don't, but the very least you can do is to be a mensch and stand up for yourself and your own honour if not for anyone else. Walk away from it. Make it obvious to them you will no longer listen or respond, that you're over and done with all the gossip, won't be part of it and they need to take it somewhere else.
I guess I would need to make it clear that this applies to everyone? Otherwise they'll probably think I'm being brainwashed or siding with the "other side".
Had a friend who went through the same thing. Here’s what she did. She invited both her parents out for coffee, with them not knowing they were both going to be there.
When they got upset, she stopped them by saying I called a family meeting. She told them flat out, that although she was now an adult, she was still their daughter, and as such, she doesn’t need to be in the middle. Their issues were between them, not her.
She told them how their sniping about each other made her feel and they agreed it was wrong. And they stopped.
And she stopped making the accommodations she had been making for them. Her attitude was they had gotten along for 20 years married, they could get along divorced.
Now — my friend’s parents were probably more adult than yours, and the reasons they divorced were more that they had grown apart but you can tell your parents this separately, if bringing them together would start WW3.
I like the meeting idea! It probably wouldn't work with my parents though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom
With repercussions, if they don’t stop. And if they start up — tell them, I told you won’t listen to this anymore, and leave. When you are setting boundaries with people who have had no boundaries before, following through with the repercussions is MANDATORY, so don’t make the punishment something you can’t abide either.
Thanks for the tip. The boundary issues (at least with one parent) go beyond the scope of this thread. For example, not valuing my time, expecting me to answer the phone or calling back right away, dropping in without calling, things like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom
With regards to other family members — the proper thing to say to them is “My parent’s problems are between my parents.” That’s setting a boundary. And if they keep on about it, set the boundary again, and if they won’t abide by it, leave.
They aren't asking about the issues between the parents but personal information that's none of their business (i.e. job/work/financial situations). I thought about flat out saying "none of your business". Probably not a good idea though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom
Just keep in mind, that what’s going on between your parents is none of your business, aside from they are now divorced. Think about when you get married, and this crap starting up at your wedding. Or when you have kids and you have to have TWO holidays, because your parents each DESERVE a holiday with their grandkids, and they can’t be in the same room.
They fell in love, got married and had a family... it’s time for them to be ADULTS.
My brother did get married and there was a scene at his wedding.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Solly says — Be nice!
