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Parents divorced over years ago after being married for 30 years
They have badmouthed each other, not only to me but to other relatives. It seems like every time we have a conversation, there is at least one remark about the other parent.
Some of the relatives on my mom's side of the family are nosy af. On Thanksgiving, a few were asking me questions about my dad's job situation. When I saw my dad, he asked me about them and badmouthed some of them.
It's like I'm the "middle man" in a situation that I had no control over, never asked to be in this situation. I remember when my parents were first divorced, feeling that relatives were watching me at a holiday to see how I would react.
What's the best way to handle these types of questions? I suppose it's time for me to flat out stop giving out information about anyone? Perhaps I should ask why they're asking (three relatives asked the same question) or tell them all that I'm no longer going to give them information but I can put them in touch with him if they're curious or vice versa?
Parents divorced over years ago after being married for 30 years
They have badmouthed each other, not only to me but to other relatives. It seems like every time we have a conversation, there is at least one remark about the other parent.
Some of the relatives on my mom's side of the family are nosy af. On Thanksgiving, a few were asking me questions about my dad's job situation. When I saw my dad, he asked me about them and badmouthed some of them.
It's like I'm the "middle man" in a situation that I had no control over, never asked to be in this situation. I remember when my parents were first divorced, feeling that relatives were watching me at a holiday to see how I would react.
What's the best way to handle these types of questions? I suppose it's time for me to flat out stop giving out information about anyone? Perhaps I should ask why they're asking (three relatives asked the same question) or tell them all that I'm no longer going to give them information but I can put them in touch with him if they're curious or vice versa?
You aren't going to stop them from using you as a sounding board, but you can stop internalizing what they say about each other. And certainly don't pass it along or share it. If you do that you are being forced into a role you don't want...an accomplice. You can try something I like to call the black hole instead of the mirror approach.
When one of them throws negative comments, gossip, or whatever about the other, you don't reflect/return/or enlarge it. It goes into a black hole. Stuff goes in, but it doesn't come out. If they ask whether you know something specific, you don't know anything specific, have no opinion. You don't encourage, engage, participate, take sides. Don't feed into what they want. Change the topic. Every time they start in, you disengage in a nonconfrontive manner. Eventually they'll learn that they aren't getting what they want from you. Eventually they'll stop trying to include you. You are not giving them what they hoped for.
Tell your parents and the rest of your relatives to grow up.
That they need to do.
It's definitely childish behavior. We're talking 50-60 something year olds btw. For example, I have two uncles who are siblings haven't spoken to each other in 35 years for silly reasons. They'll sit in the same room at a gathering and not acknowledge the other's existence. Strange!
You aren't going to stop them from using you as a sounding board
I was hoping for that but I guess that is wishful thinking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
but you can stop internalizing what they say about each other. And certainly don't pass it along or share it. If you do that you are being forced into a role you don't want...an accomplice. You can try something I like to call the black hole instead of the mirror approach.
I never share what they say about each other. I've also learned that it's best not to even pass along "positive" news because that's assuming they want to see each other do well, which doesn't seem to be the case.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
When one of them throws negative comments, gossip, or whatever about the other, you don't reflect/return/or enlarge it. It goes into a black hole. Stuff goes in, but it doesn't come out.
That's pretty much what I do so I guess I am doing that right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
If they ask whether you know something specific, you don't know anything specific, have no opinion. You don't encourage, engage, participate, take sides. Don't feed into what they want. Change the topic.
I have made the mistake of telling my dad what the relative asked. That's not good because then he badmouths that person. You're right. Best to change the subject.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
Every time they start in, you disengage in a nonconfrontive manner. Eventually they'll learn that they aren't getting what they want from you. Eventually they'll stop trying to include you. You are not giving them what they hoped for.
Reminder to self to stay "nonconfrontive". I cannot change their behavior or opinions about each other, so there's no use trying.
I thought maybe I should have given that a relative a "smart ass" answer or ask why they are asking or call them out on their behavior, ....but that would just cause more problems and get me further involved.
I thought maybe I should have given that a relative a "smart ass" answer or ask why they are asking or call them out on their behavior, ....but that would just cause more problems and get me further involved.
Right. You no longer have any opinion about who's a smart ass (except for thinking it! For that, you have permission ), and you no longer have any curiosity about anything they might know about the other. Don't offer to negotiate, nothing. Don't encourage more discussion. You'll become so boring they'll find someone else. Voila...you're no longer the middleman! Mission accomplished!
Right. You no longer have any opinion about who's a smart ass (except for thinking it! For that, you have permission ), and you no longer have any curiosity about anything they might know about the other. Don't offer to negotiate, nothing. Don't encourage more discussion. You'll become so boring they'll find someone else. Voila...you're no longer the middleman! Mission accomplished!
You tell them flat out every single time you will no longer discuss your father , or You won’t discuss your mother, and repeat. You don’t offer information about what they are doing with anyone and change the subject. Parnassia is spot on.
Parents divorced over years ago after being married for 30 years
They have badmouthed each other, not only to me but to other relatives. It seems like every time we have a conversation, there is at least one remark about the other parent.
Some of the relatives on my mom's side of the family are nosy af. On Thanksgiving, a few were asking me questions about my dad's job situation. When I saw my dad, he asked me about them and badmouthed some of them.
It's like I'm the "middle man" in a situation that I had no control over, never asked to be in this situation. I remember when my parents were first divorced, feeling that relatives were watching me at a holiday to see how I would react.
What's the best way to handle these types of questions? I suppose it's time for me to flat out stop giving out information about anyone? Perhaps I should ask why they're asking (three relatives asked the same question) or tell them all that I'm no longer going to give them information but I can put them in touch with him if they're curious or vice versa?
"I'm sorry, you'll have to ask Dad for that information." Repeat as many times as necessary.
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), and you no longer have any curiosity about anything they might know about the other. Don't offer to negotiate, nothing. Don't encourage more discussion. You'll become so boring they'll find someone else. Voila...you're no longer the middleman! Mission accomplished!
