I've only ever wanted a Father (male, relatives, senior, abuse)

[BLMAngus]

I agree with the other posters who suggested you do a DNA test just to make sure he really is your biological father as it was very strange your mom moved you and your brother to be with his long time "friend".


If the DNA test checks out, I also agree with the other posters who suggested you write a letter to your biological father and put the ball in his court if he wants further contact with you. And if he chooses not to, then let it go.


And I disagree with other posters who suggested your biological father was abusive towards your mother as you said your aunts and uncles (i.e., your mother's brothers and sisters) all said he was very good with you.

[Spuggy]

Originally Posted by kjg1963

I believe the OP said his wife received the call from the Grandmother and the Grandmother said not to call again. Grandmother was not lied to.

Thank you for the correction

[tuck4x4]

Thank you all, I honestly believe it more likely that it was my mother who was abusive. A few years ago my Grandmother told me that for 6 months after we left, my birth father would come to her house crying and begging to be told where we were so at least back then we were wanted.

I want to stress that on a daily basis this is not debilitating. I deal with it because I'm an adult. It's just the inner little boy that is upset.

[james777]

Originally Posted by tuck4x4

Thank you all, I honestly believe it more likely that it was my mother who was abusive. A few years ago my Grandmother told me that for 6 months after we left, my birth father would come to her house crying and begging to be told where we were so at least back then we were wanted.

I want to stress that on a daily basis this is not debilitating. I deal with it because I'm an adult. It's just the inner little boy that is upset.

You are to be congratulated that you are able to deal with this on a daily basis. However, as another poster stated, you really need to concentrate on getting some type of mental health counseling instead of trying to connect with lost family members. Counseling is most important right now.

[Clemencia53]

I think the DNA test with Ancestry is 59 dollars - special christmas price

You would be amazed what you find. Good luck

[curiousgeorge5]

Originally Posted by tuck4x4

Look, I know I’m a grown-ass man but this really deeply hurts. I have no idea why I can’t seem to make contact with ANYONE on that side of the family. My step-father lives 10 minutes away from me but I haven’t heard from him since I went to see him in May. I have a good relationship with my mother, aunts, uncles and grandmother...

It good you have those good relationships above in bold. Some, if not many people, don't even have that.

I guess an uncle is a good surrogate father.

[parentologist]

Actually, a woman disappearing with her children, hiding from the man, sounds very much like an abused woman who escaped.

[Clemencia53]

Originally Posted by parentologist

Actually, a woman disappearing with her children, hiding from the man, sounds very much like an abused woman who escaped.

yea - but this could just be the story she tells

I'm trying to help a relative find her father's family

Her mom is still alive but has changed stories many times that she just does not believe her.

She was told that her dad was dishonorably discharged, but i quickly found the documentation for his military headstone stating the opposite. So one lie down.

[bande1102]

What do you hope to achieve by finding your father? I have a feeling you want answers or a relationship. I'm not sure that's going to happen.

Don't let your happiness and/or peace depend on another person(s) actions or responses. I know I sound simplistic, but I speak from experience. Sometimes, you just can't figure it out and you have to find a way to accept that. Once you do, it is so freeing.

You have an opportunity here to create another branch to your family tree. One that's healthier. One where parents stick around. One where family members are honest and caring.


I also think you should get counseling.

[elan]

OP, you contacted your biological father once and he said it was not appropriate to talk. I'll tell you what I think may be the reason. He went through a period of turmoil and then eventually moved on. He may have never even told his current children that he had prior children. I say this because I know of two fathers this happened to. Is it right to shut out the now grown first child? Probably not, however the Dads were the ones kicked out and then had to make a new life. For them, it's about sparing the newer children any drama.