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No, that's manipulative. My father used to do this to try and get us and others to contact him (before I'm critisized he went to prison for sexual, emotional and physical abuse against me)..
This is a different situation than yours was. Sorry you went through that with your father.
Plus, OP is what, 50s? His parents won't be alive too much longer, so why not be a little more bold in what he says in his letter to his bio dad? After his Dad dies, he will probably regret that he didn't at least try to see him.
How does a DNA test work without having any of his father's DNA (father's saliva, blood, etc)? Just wondering.
If you take a DNA test, you then can upload your results to Ancestry or some other genealogy-related website. In time, you will see results of other people you are related to you by varying degrees through your results. You then try to contact them through Ancestry or whichever site. Response rates can vary often as well. If the other person is your parent, then there is a 50% match, full sibling 50%, half-sibling or aunt/uncle 25% and 1st cousin is roughly 12.5%. For other more distant relatives the match is less and varies quite a bit.
To the OP, sorry about your father and his family. I was estranged from my father as well, mostly due to divorce. So I personally can relate to how crappy you may feel about it. I ended up having almost no relationship with my father's side of family for a long time. If I were you, I'd just refrain from ever contacting any of them again.
My Dad ignored me. He was more into vodka than me. There's the family that you're born into and then I found another family, the family I chose. I have nieces and nephews that I dote on (Weird Uncle Brian gives cool gifts ... seems that I remember being younger), my "sisters from different misters" that I talk to, people with whom I confide and they with me. I have a brother from a different mother, too. We found each other at work or in nursing school. They're good people. They're my family.
Try giving of yourself. Have you thought of maybe volunteering at an assisted living place? You might be able to find a paternal figure there or a seniors center, maybe. Meals On Wheels might be a good fit for you, too. I was in a Big Brothers / Big Sisters outfit for 11 years. I found a great deal of cathartic therapy while a volunteer. I never really had a Dad and I got to be a strong male figure if not a father figure. I learned about me and I learned about my Dad while helping "my" three boys.
OP, maybe it is not your destiny. I know some people that HATE their biological fathers and had miserable upbringings. Some guys are abusive, drunk, drug addicts, bums, manipulators, philanderers, con artists, convicts, dirtbags, losers, and just plain old bad influences. Your mom is probably right and protected you from even more grief. Your best bet is just to find some stable mentors who can positively influence your life. Join some new groups, be social, be open, and seek professional help. Good luck, bud!
Definitely do not contact your so called fam again. They've already told you they don't want anything to do with you. It does not get any clearer than that. :O
I wouldn’t blame this all on your father as it was your mother who decided to cut the cord. She claims that he was becoming “abusive” but there are many flavors to that. Knowing your mother you likely know the truth if it was real or if she was just a bird of flight.
The larger issue has nothing to do with your actual father or Your heredity but the bigger void that you still feel personally. That is a great reason to seek real counseling.
It can come as a shock to anyone when they just receive a phone call out of the blue. Perhaps a nice friendly letter telling the details of your life and the sadness you have felt because of your yearning to know your father and to be able to connect and share with him.
Tell your story and ask a few non intrusive questions, so as to build a rapport with him. Tell him that you are mystified why you received a message not to contact him and ask the most appropriate way you could maintain a relationship with him.
Please hang in there, I expect he will respond when he comes to understand how important this is to you.
I truly feel for you. I know it hurts no matter what age you are, but that side of the family obviously doesn't want to "be bothered". It's not right that they've all tossed you aside, but you can't make people be in your life.
Listen, you're 50. Life is short. Just try to gradually forget your bio father & all that & BE AS HAPPY as you possibly can. I hope you & your wife have a great marriage & she's your best friend & you're both happy together. I don't know if you said you have kids, but I hope you have a happy family & have fun w/ them going on outings, traveling, etc.
Just move on in life & be happy w/ your family & current friends. You said you have a good relationship w/ your mother, so thank God for that. Some people have BOTH parents who tossed them aside.
You said your aunt & uncle said that your dad follows you or at least looks you up from time to time on Facebook. Well, if you want to post a strong message that you think he'll read, go ahead to get it off your chest...not that he'll respond or do anything, but you know how they say to write a letter to vent for your own well being whether the letter recipient ever reads it or not.
Lastly, be as stress-free as possible in your life because stress isn't good for anyone. Do whatever you need to do to relax:
- go on walks w/ you wife (& kids)
- if you ever have free time, go on drives & go where the road takes you...not to go to any place in particular, but just drive if you enjoy driving
- mediate
- get a sound machine to play during the quite days at home &/or when going to bed...I'm going to get a sound machine for my SO & I to help us relax more!
- exercise/join the gym
- go bike riding
- listen to soothing music
- take up art & just draw, paint, etc.
- go to your happy place (the beach, the park, etc.)
I wish you all the best & the most contentment ever!
Last edited by Forever Blue; 12-17-2019 at 09:37 PM..
Oh honey - I’ll read your post now... I just couldn’t bear putting off my immediate reaction - I wish you could feel the hug I want to give you right now.
Hey tuck - I responded, but it was too long. I keep trying to say something that will mean something to you, but I’m afraid I’ll mess up out of ignorance.
My “essay” is embarrassingly long - So I set it aside.
Folks have swarmed to you out of (please don’t take this for what it is not, or categorize it with staid assumption: Much of the point of responding to you is wanting to help, nurture, offer ideas - seeing you as a brother, family member on this frighteningly insignificant ball (said the Sun, under the assurance of anonymity).
It’s tragic that we as a society are sO far of from whittling down how prolifically we hurt our kids - in ways that aren’t labeled with frightening names but are “extra”
I struggle with flares of memory problems - I can’t remember why I’m writing this. My apologies. I know I’m trying to help.
Good luck, many blessings OP. You’re worth your time. You’re family with all of us. Some primates too for those who understand and use science... Imagine a world or just a region that just recognize each of as family. Adopted, abandoned, rejected, abused, scapegoated - or happy, healthy centered and patient.
I wish humans regarded each other this way deeply enough to matter
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I know it hurts no matter what age you are, but that side of the family obviously doesn't want to "be bothered". It's not right that they've all tossed you aside, but you can't make people be in your life.
