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I'm 50 years old right now but the overwhelming wish of my entire lifetime has always been the same; Find my family and/or have a father figure.
When I was 3 years old my mother and father got a divorce. My understanding is that my father came home and myself, my little brother and my mother were simply gone. My mother had left Louisiana and taken us to live with my birth father's long time friend who was in the Air Force and stationed in Germany.
I'm told by aunts and uncles that my birth-father was very good to and with me. That he was very loving and took me everywhere he went.
My mother says she rescued us from him because he was becoming abusive. She says he never did anything to us, but it was in her mind that he would eventually. My mother has always been very well known as a truth-stretcher.
So I grew up with a Step-father but we never connected. I didn't have someone to play ball with. Never had someone to go fishing with. I taught myself how to do everything that others kids fathers did.
I was pretty angry about it and would yell at him to please do something with me. My brother might as well have been his first-born.
I was told all throughout my teenage years that I resembled my real father and my mother would use it against me telling me to get that look off my face as if I could help it.
At about 26 I used the internet and found my birth grandmothers number. I called her and she was overjoyed to hear from me. We talked and cried and she told me she would talk to her son and call me back. The next day she called back and got my wife and told her that I was never to call again.
At 36 I found my father's number and I called him. He answered but when I identified myself, he said "its not appropriate that we talk" and hung up.
In my 40s I found an Aunt and an Uncle and called them. They were surprised to hear from me but weren’t surprised that my father wouldn’t talk to me. They told me he followed my facebook but it would not be I his nature to reach out to me.
I had a good conversation with the both of them but they never reached out to me again and never asked for a way to communicate after the one call.
Last week I posted here on city-data asking for help finding a history of that side of my family and the result was incredible. With the information I got I was able to find the phone number of a cousin and I called him.
We talked for a short bit and he told me that he remembered meeting me when he was 5 and I was 3. He said that he had always wondered what had happened to me but never really thought about it.
He said he was currently busy but would call back in a couple of days.
That was a week ago and he’s not been reachable since.
Look, I know I’m a grown-ass man but this really deeply hurts. I have no idea why I can’t seem to make contact with ANYONE on that side of the family. My step-father lives 10 minutes away from me but I haven’t heard from him since I went to see him in May. I have a good relationship with my mother, aunts, uncles and grandmother.
Growing up I saw all of the movies where the long-lost son would reunite with his loving caring family and it killed me because my story has always been the opposite. Antwone Fisher really pissed me off.
I’ve been told to just fly to his town and knock on his door but I’m afraid too.
What would you do?
OP, someone who knows your mother knows why she left him. I’d talk to that someone if at all possible. That might be the reason why your father’s side of the family refuses to talk to you.
There is almost always a family member who has the real scoop. Often, they’ll tell what they know.
I wouldn't try to have a relationship with a father. It deeply hurts to not have a father relationship as a man. There's always a part of you that feels missing.
I would seek out mental health therapy over your pain.
This is a sad story. You said you do have your father's address? You could write him a letter. Could you tell a little lie and say you have *something* of his and you'd like to just return it to him and could you stop by for one minute. Then you could SEE him and maybe say two words (or more than that, hopefully). You have never seen him, right?
Just a thought. Maybe be bold. What have you got to lose? It's not too late to try again. Good luck.
You haven't been a part of your relatives lives for 47 years. You are just a stranger to them. You made an attempt to meet them. Anything else could be thought of as harassment since you were told/shown that they have no interest in you. I'm sure at least some of them think you are after money.
What does your brother have to say about this?
I am sorry for being blunt but I don't see what you hope to accomplish. These people have lives and families. You can't expect them to welcome you when they will always have lingering doubts about your intentions.
Your only hope is that someday your mother will tell you the truth. Then maybe you will understand their actions.
What would I do?? I think I’d do a DNA test just to make sure the guy who is on your birth certificate really is your biological father. Something doesn’t add up. If, in fact, he is your bio father..... give up. How can he follow you on Facebook if he’s not your friend? Change your settings so only your friends can see your posts. Then, after a few months, find him on FB and do a friend request to see if he really wants to be connected with you.
I agree, do the cheap DNA test, it may give you some information. He may not have been your biological parent, found out, and the family dissolved.
From what little you say, it sounds as if the man was abusive towards your mother. FYI, that usually winds up being turned against the children, too. It can happen suddenly, even if the man never touched the children beforehand, and it can wind up with the child dead. If your biological father was an abuser, your mother may have saved your life by leaving him.
Your fantasy of a father who would have played ball with you, and taught you all the manly things you imagine a father routinely does with his son, in reality in many families is NOT the case. In many, many households, the man went to work, provided, and spent the rest of his time doing what HE wanted to do, without his children, while the mother raised the kids. In many, many households, the man behaved abusively towards his wife and kids, drank, did worse. In many households, he did NOT work, did NOT provide for his family, and drank, drugged, and abused.
The man whom you believe is your biological father (and he very well may be), and his entire family, have made it very clear they want nothing to do with you. This is absolutely not your fault (unless there's something you're not telling us, like you have a criminal record). But you have to let it go now. Go get therapy - you're gonna need a lot of it, I'm sure. Move forward with your life. And consider what your step father did provide for you. Perhaps you had a roof over your head? Clothes on your back? Food on the table? Maybe even support to get through college? I know it doesn't feel like love and attention, but it counts, too.
Sometimes, the way we fix what was wrong with our own childhoods, is by doing better with our own children. I can't count the number of Disney and family trips we did, which of course my kids enjoyed, but my husband realized they were my own way of fixing my own crappy childhood, and indulged it. I don't know if you have kids, but try to re-direct your energy into your own family, looking forward. If you don't have family, perhaps volunteer to be a big brother, and give some fatherless boy the things you wish you had been given. It can really be very therapeutic.
Your biological family might never reach out to you in the way that you want, and you have to come to terms with that.
The poster above mentioned volunteering with children's organizations, but you could also look into helping at a nursing home or a veterans organization. There may be older folks out there who would love to make a connection with someone.
This is a sad story. You said you do have your father's address? You could write him a letter. Could you tell a little lie and say you have *something* of his and you'd like to just return it to him and could you stop by for one minute. Then you could SEE him and maybe say two words (or more than that, hopefully). You have never seen him, right?
Just a thought. Maybe be bold. What have you got to lose? It's not too late to try again. Good luck.
No, that's manipulative. My father used to do this to try and get us and others to contact him (before I'm critisized he went to prison for sexual, emotional and physical abuse against me).
The op should just share a letter saying he once contacted his grandmother and it was lovely conversation but unfortunately when you were called back your mother picked up the phone and lied. Then share how much he would love to meet him and it's been a loss in both their lives that he would like to rectify and how much he has missed knowing and having a father.
To the OP. After my father went to prison I lost the whole side of my paternal family. It was devastating. Last year I finally had the courage to reach out to my first cousins that I was very close to as a child and I am so glad I did. I figured I had nothing to lose. Well were they EVER pleased because they said it was like having a dark cloud lifted and we have kept in contact ever since. As for a father I never had one,l and I had an indifferent mother and a hateful sister, and it left a very painful legacy and one in which for many years I craved what I couldn't have. That's not a good thing to do and I wish I didn't, so I try to look with loving gratitude at those that do love me and want me in their life and nurture those relationships.
No, that's manipulative. My father used to do this to try and get us and others to contact him (before I'm critisized he went to prison for sexual, emotional and physical abuse against me).
The op should just share a letter saying he once contacted his grandmother and it was lovely conversation but unfortunately when you were called back your mother picked up the phone and lied. Then share how much he would love to meet him and it's been a loss in both their lives that he would like to rectify and how much he has missed knowing and having a father.
To the OP. After my father went to prison I lost the whole side of my paternal family. It was devastating. Last year I finally had the courage to reach out to my first cousins that I was very close to as a child and I am so glad I did. I figured I had nothing to lose. Well were they EVER pleased because they said it was like having a dark cloud lifted and we have kept in contact ever since. As for a father I never had one,l and I had an indifferent mother and a hateful sister, and it left a very painful legacy and one in which for many years I craved what I couldn't have. That's not a good thing to do and I wish I didn't, so I try to look with loving gratitude at those that do love me and want me in their life and nurture those relationships.
I believe the OP said his wife received the call from the Grandmother and the Grandmother said not to call again. Grandmother was not lied to.
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