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Years ago, I was going through a divorce (it wasn't bad) and I made a new friend with a lady who worked in my building. We became fast friends, I would even say BEST FRIENDS. We told each other everything and it was such a refreshing relationship. She was funny, bright and beautiful. I could depend on her for anything and visa versa.
She had a boyfriend who she loved dearly and he loved her except that he kept breaking up with her over and over again.
I tried to help her understand the relationship and keep it together (the boyfriend wanted her too but he was such a Peter Pan he could not commit). Finally after several years of listening to her go on about this guy, I realized that it was probably never going to work with them. Finally, after the 100th time of him breaking up with her, I said "you know, I just don't think he loves you as much as you love him and that's why he can't commit". She needed to hear the truth.
She had lost a lot of friends over her "relationship" and I was one of the last to go. After I told her the truth, she stopped talking to me. She ghosted me! All those years of fun and friendship went down the drain.
I was so hurt for months but I picked up the pieces and met other people, one of which was a friend who had fallen out of favor with her as well. Me and this other lady became good friends and are still friends to this day.
My issue is that now when she sees me, she says weird things to me and brings up the past and tries to make me look bad. At first, I just laughed it off but she spread rumors about me to other people we both knew. She told secrets about my marriage that I had told her in confidence. I think she just wanted to hurt me!
BTW, her and the boyfriend finally broke up after a few more years and he has never gotten married or settled down with anyone. She did finally meet someone but it kind of seems like she is settling for the new guy (I could be wrong but I get that impression)
I don't know why but this has been bugging me lately. Because I never stood up to her like I should. I don't want to talk to her and may never see her again but it just bugs me that she tells my secrets. I never shared her secrets with anyone.
Its hard to put it past, I know, because there are unresolved feelings. You supported her; she dropped you. And the confidences you trusted with her were no longer honored when the friendship changed. That’s hurtful. And you lost someone who added a lot to your life as a friend. Its very sad. Somehow you need to admit to yourself a few errors (she made many!!) in your friendship with her. A glaring one was telling her the old BF “didn’t love her enough.” The BF was a huge part of her life. He was already causing her tremendous pain. Would have been better to never give that input or just to say “Sue, I hate that you continue in the relationship because after all your years together, he isn’t changing.” And leave it at that.
But, that’s all history. At this point, find a way to accept this unresolved estrangement, and keep your interactions with her brief and polite.
Its hard to put it past, I know, because there are unresolved feelings. You supported her; she dropped you. And the confidences you trusted with her were no longer honored when the friendship changed. That’s hurtful. And you lost someone who added a lot to your life as a friend. Its very sad. Somehow you need to admit to yourself a few errors (she made many!!) in your friendship with her. A glaring one was telling her the old BF “didn’t love her enough.” The BF was a huge part of her life. He was already causing her tremendous pain. Would have been better to never give that input or just to say “Sue, I hate that you continue in the relationship because after all your years together, he isn’t changing.” And leave it at that.
But, that’s all history. At this point, find a way to accept this unresolved estrangement, and keep your interactions with her brief and polite.
I do wish I had phrase my comment about her BF differently. I was just so fed up and frustrated with the situation. She was so needy when talking about it, calling at all hours of the day and night to talk about him breaking up with her. I had already been pulling away not because I didn't care for her but because she didn't respect my time and boundaries. I couldn't take talking about it anymore. Oh well, it's over and done with but I just wish she would have better about not talking about me after the relationship ended.
Sometimes the truths we need to hear are given when someone gets fed up! My guess is that your friend needed to hear what you said, and needed to know that her emotional distress was wearing you out. I think you needed to say what you did, and she needed to hear it.
You can’t control others’ actions or reactions. She did not want to hear what you said. She has decided she does not want to apologize for her emotional demands of you, or for dropping you when you spoke truth. This is her choice. Perhaps she has learned better now, or perhaps not. All of this is out of your hands now.
Best wishes for good days ahead.
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