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So often people here are well meaning, but they will suggest improving mental health and decreasing loneliness by getting involved with group activities---volunteer work, church, Meetups, etc. This sounds good in theory but usually I never felt such activities to be as rewarding as they were supposed to be. I felt that something must really be wrong with me---that I actually felt lonelier with other people who weren't interested or kind to me...and would demonstrate this by not being curious about me, not listening to me, being distracted by their phones, etc. This would happen in groups or, unfortunately, one-on-one if I didn't select the solo person carefully enough.
For years I kept plugging away at it, if for no other reason that the doom-and-gloom research that said loneliness could affect physical health...but I had to question if such unrewarding socialization was really helping me. I can see where positive feelings when being with other people would increase physical and emotional health. But what about those of us who typically find these positive feelings elusive?
Well, finally, a report came out by a a researcher who says being lonely in a crowd is worse for cognitive health than being alone and lonely. Older adults who are emotionally lonely but not socially isolated had poorer cognition than those who are socially isolated! Just being in a room with other people without truly connecting can be detrimental to physical and emotional health. So---definitely not one size fits all!
So some self-acceptance as well as acceptance from more extroverted folks is in order for those of us who have tried venues like Meetup (in my case for years, even organizing Meetups) only to eventually admit defeat and instead embrace what feels better to us (being alone) when we aren't meeting the people who are right for us or having truly meaningful connections with people.
That's a very interesting article, I'll have to think about it a little more.
I have some elements of introversion (though I would argue I am not a classic introvert) but I often seek out certain types of crowds and feel pretty good being "alone" in those crowds. I relax being around people/crowds where I am not expected to "perform" if that makes sense.
I think the findings and ideas in the article and research are very important in that they find that there is significant distinction between emotional loneliness and social loneliness. And that emotional loneliness can result in some cognitive decline in older people, and emotional loneliness was found to result in more cognitive decline than social loneliness.
Many people, if not most, want to be known deeply and emotionally intimately by a significant other in their life (one or more), and when this is missing it can result in emotional pain or emotional loneliness.
From the article:
"while older people may be not perceived as socially isolated or socially lonely by others, they may feel an acute absence of close, intimate and meaningful relationships, despite being surrounded by friends, family and social acquaintances."
"the discrepancy is that for some, group conviviality does not meet the need for one-on-one intimacy—instead it highlights the absence of a soulmate and intensifies loneliness."
“She also found that older adults who were emotionally lonely but not socially isolated had poorer cognition than those who were lonely and socially isolated.”
“emotional loneliness is actually a bigger risk factor than depression, heart disease, diabetes and stroke for cognitive decline, she found.”
Last edited by matisse12; 12-12-2019 at 12:00 AM..
That's a very interesting article, I'll have to think about it a little more.
I have some elements of introversion (though I would argue I am not a classic introvert) but I often seek out certain types of crowds and feel pretty good being "alone" in those crowds. I relax being around people/crowds where I am not expected to "perform" if that makes sense.
I think there's a lot to what you said. The type of crowd or group makes a huge difference in our ability to connect. Unfortunately what I've found is most groups (in the US at least; can't speak for other cultures) have a rather limited range of topics they can discuss. Anything outside that limited range might get a couple of polite questions before the group returns to the standard topics. In the part of the country where I am, most of those topics revolve around Univ of Tenn football, Alabama football, high school football in the fall; UT basketball, Kentucky basketball, and high school basketball between football season and March Madness season. Then four months of grumpiness until football preseason starts up again.
Politics is a dangerous subject because I've found most people, regardless of political affiliation, cannot discuss their point of view logically, but instead get very angry very quickly whenever someone questions them. Want to talk science? They'll usually make some comment about being over their head and shift the conversation toward football or whichever political take on science they follow. Hobbies? "Oh that's nice. Now what about the Titan's chances next season?"
Like you said, it really is a performance. It's either perform about the standard topics or sit on the outside being excluded. Having to constantly "perform" for others' benefit get's exhausting. And being excluded in a crowd is far more lonely than not being in the crowd to start with. It's the intentional exclusion of anyone who doesn't "perform" as expected that makes it worse.
2 possible causes might be happening when people struggle to find meaningful relationships in a group setting. One cause is having poorly structured interactions with others. The other cause may be that the person does not have progressive consequences that are structured to identify a problem that then start a solution.
I enjoy small groups or individuals but have a disdain for small/impersonal talk as well as large groups. I almost feel like these settings can be a waste of time unless there is a specific purpose (wedding/etc..).
I am trying to form meaningful connections with people one-on-one, people I meet in the course of my daily business. I think I made a friend at Boston Market, for example.
I haven't had any luck doing it in groups. It seems as though everyone is distracted, so when someone addresses them, they fall back on telling their own story. I also get the distinct feeling that the men are "shopping" for the best deal they can get. Not that that affects me, as I am still married for now, but it will probably matter in the future. Some of the social Meetup groups here have thousands of members, so if you like someone you may never see them again.
I've been going to small Meetup events based around a political orientation. I find that enjoyable and with not too much effort, I get to talk to everyone or nearly everyone there.
I feel this. I struggle with depression, especially in the winter. This week I went to my work holiday party. I didn't want to go, wasn't in the mood, made small talk with some people and their spouses and left early. No one even noticed. (I don't regret going, I knew I 'should') The next night, I went out for drinks with a Meetup group. I didn't want to go, wasn't in the mood. Made small talk with some people and had a decent time, felt better afterwards.
It's hard to know what to do when you're a natural introvert.
I often feel lonely in crowds. Do i think it's bad for my emotional health? I give myself permission to decide that I'm not in the mood to engage with people. If I didn't do that I'd feel bad about myself. And I give myself permission to duck out if I'm not feeling engaged> I acknowledge that it is my mood and don't necessarily blame the crowd. I know there are others, like my mom, who would blame the group and complain that others were rude or disinterested. And that may be the case, but I don't hold others responsible for not engaging me.
Last edited by Stagemomma; 12-20-2019 at 04:29 PM..
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