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You're nearly 40, and it sounds like this is a VERY recent thing that you don't need their money anymore? Like, within the last 2 years?
I have a son like you, although he's not nearly as old as you are but he's finally launched. You can't imagine the worrying a parent does when their offspring won't launch, spends too much money to the point that they're still on my dole, and refuses to answer texts and emails.
The imagination runs wild. Is he on the streets? Has he turned to drug dealing to make money? Is he actually dead?
Change your bank account - that's just a really flimsy excuse that you won't do it, and won't return their money.
Once you actually DO launch, and are living a stable life, this will stop and your parents will stop driving themselves crazy worrying about you.
Bingo.
When OP pays back their money, declines to accept any more, continues to support himself/herself without using financial help from the folks, then they will likely quit worrying.
One of our kids communicates like the OP. Never answers the phone. Responds to text messages sporadically and generally days later. Occasionally contacts us to "loan" him money to tide him over. He has a decent job . Hope it lasts.
Of course, we worry about him. Like the OP's parents do.
Actually, I'm wondering if this is our kid posting.
He is not a brat or a jerk. It's just taking him longer than his siblings to get situated in the world.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 12-13-2019 at 06:31 AM..
A true adult would recognize that parents worry about their children, no matter how old they are. A true adult would be mature enough to send off a quick text saying "all is well, will reach out when I have some free time".
I don't see the drama on the part of your parents. That is coming from you.
Hear, hear! I'd rep you for this, but CD won't allow it.
OP, just give your parents your new cell number! You don't have to answer when they call, but reply with a text saying, "I'm fine, just very busy, I'll talk with you on the weekend." If they don't have a phone that texts, send them an email from your phone saying you're okay and will talk with them on the weekend. And then DO call them regularly, once a week, on the weekend, to chat for 15 minutes. It's the least you can do. These people brought you into this world, raised you, and they will worry about your well-being as long as you are both alive. And when they are gone, you will be sorry that they are gone, and wish that they were still here to care about you.
Hear, hear! I'd rep you for this, but CD won't allow it.
OP, just give your parents your new cell number! You don't have to answer when they call, but reply with a text saying, "I'm fine, just very busy, I'll talk with you on the weekend." If they don't have a phone that texts, send them an email from your phone saying you're okay and will talk with them on the weekend. And then DO call them regularly, once a week, on the weekend, to chat for 15 minutes. It's the least you can do. These people brought you into this world, raised you, and they will worry about your well-being as long as you are both alive. And when they are gone, you will be sorry that they are gone, and wish that they were still here to care about you.
The notion that your parents having a phone number and current address for you is somehow overbearing is so odd. You can set boundaries with your parents and you can have a distant relationship and still be thoughtful and mindful of their feelings.
A true adult would recognize that parents worry about their children, no matter how old they are. A true adult would be mature enough to send off a quick text saying "all is well, will reach out when I have some free time".
I don't see the drama on the part of your parents. That is coming from you.
A true adult doesn’t feel being courteous and responding to an email and text equates to not being independent.
Not responding is rude , be it your parents, a spouse, your children, your close friends. Look if you don’t want to talk all the time fine, just say via text “ hey got your email will get back to you tomorrow.†Why is that such a big drama or big deal.
I think I'd need to take time off work to fix this situation and secure more permanent housing. One thing I don't like is that private / commercial landlords are often asking for minimum 12 month leases, ID copies, credit and background check reports, employment letter, pay stubs, etc. which IMO is too much. So I stick with airbnb which only required me to verify my info once to them, not spread out my personal info to various parties and put myself at risk of identity theft and abuse of this info. Now I can lie in bed, send a few messages to a few hosts, book the room and be done with it (until the next week). But yes I am spending too much and if I lose my job, I'll be in trouble in that I will no longer qualify for cheaper long term rental housing and be stuck with airbnb until I do get another job (vicious cycle of overspending).
So yeah, maybe my parents are concerned about unstable housing situation and are upset I'm wasting "their" money.
No, it's not too much. You're signing a contract agreeing to pay a specified amount each month to live in an apartment. The landlord is protecting itself by asking for your credit information, among other things.
No, it's not too much. You're signing a contract agreeing to pay a specified amount each month to live in an apartment. The landlord is protecting itself by asking for your credit information, among other things.
A 30 year old "independent" adult understands all this. As for the OP...well, you know what they say about assumptions.
yes I am spending too much and if I lose my job, I'll be in trouble in that I will no longer qualify for cheaper long term rental housing and be stuck with airbnb until I do get another job (vicious cycle of overspending).
So yeah, maybe my parents are concerned about unstable housing situation and are upset I'm wasting "their" money.
Yes. THEIR money. Which you are spending irresponsibly AND disrespecting them at the same time.
Snipped it down to appropriate size still containing all relevant info.
You handle it the same way I did with my parents, in the old days (1990) prior to cell phone common usage. I had one again in 1999 but it was basically useless and tossed a couple years later. Wasn't aware too many young people "didn't" have smartphones these days, but I live in one of the country's tech hubs... spend some time here you believe that Tesla rules the world, too.
Me: "we get along great now that I live 2,250 miles away (14 hours r/t, whatever) from your rules and BS. Don't get me wrong; your house, your rules, and living under that yoke c. 17 years had me trained well enough. But those days are done. With luck, permanently (they were, though some kids must move back in with the parents). So, here are some comms protocols. We can chat on (Thursdays six Pacific) and (Sunday at 10AM PST). I'm putting a life together and that's quite enough at the moment, I'd say."
What you're asking about is "moral courage." I had enough of that and they couldn't just pop into annoy me, either. 14 hr r/t is far enough to keep them at bay in OP's case, too. Guess you've better muscle-up and set some boundaries, huh? My old man and I spoke Sundays at 10am PST to the week he dropped dead, and I wish I remembered our last call because he died just few hours prior to our next scheduled event. I did know his plans that day, though, so it wouldn't have been too eventful.
My mom fretted and wailed about my boundaries, but I enforced them. If you're a weak sister, disregard and do whatever the hell you will anyway I guess.
Enjoy them, within boundaries, while you've got 'em over next few decades or however long the universe provides.
Spot on post^^^^
I was wondering when someone would come along in this thread to mention setting boundaries, instead of blaming it all on the OP.
Setting boundaries doesn't mean you have to ignore your parents or never talk to them again. Telling them you will be able to talk at a set time every week, is a good idea.
We have a set time where our grandkids and their parents call us once a week. If one of us can't talk at that time, we arrange for a time that works for us all. That doesn't mean we never talk to them at other times. They know that if something comes up we need to know, and vice versa, it's okay to call or send a text. None of us is constantly calling the other.
OP---do you have what it takes to set boundaries with your parents and stick to those boundaries? It can be hard for parents to let go but once your children are adults, it must be done.
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