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It's hard to not like commitment and have quality good friends.
Possible, but hard.
The problem with not liking commitment but wanting deep friendships is that if you unintentionally infringe on other people's time, energy, schedules, psyche, or whatever else I can't think of, then you are not able to be a good friend to said person yourself. Most people who don't do commitment tend to unintentionally or intentionally f-up others' schedules.
I tend to want deeper friendships myself, but I am a planner. I am okay with spontaneous, but people have to be okay with me saying "no" too "a million times" possibly.
I have a friend who is very spontaneous but he is respectful to me as a person and my schedule. Most spontaneous I have met don't fit this realm well unfortunately.
It's about both people- not just one. Also, when you're spontaneous, it also implies that for the other person, if they are feeling like a date or prefer another activity over yours or over your company, they will choose it because it wasn't set in stone. So, keep that in mind.
Maybe, some commitment for the right person/people here and there for certain, random things and not others might be the best way for you to go. Make sure people you think you clique with know this about you- especially if they seem more like planners to you. This will help with your building of connection(s) a lot.
Thank you. Yes, I think this can be a big difference between people and a problem for many. I feel I am in the minority in not being a planner. But when I do finally plan something, it is set in stone!!!
I assume I disappointed my friend, and I have apologized, more than once. There is a logical excuse, in that she lives quite far from me, AND if I was able to be a better friend at the time, I "should" have visited her.
I still do not wish to visit her - I guess I don't consider her a true friend.
P.S. I have had skin cancers more than once and no one was ever "there" for me - family or friends.
Thank you. Yes, I think this can be a big difference between people and a problem for many. I feel I am in the minority in not being a planner. But when I do finally plan something, it is set in stone!!!
You and I need to switch friends because most people around me don't like to plan to far in advance if at all.
Of course, some people could be doing this to me because I am a second class citizen to their other friends too
Refusing to make plans with me tells me you are not interested in anything beyond acquaintanceship with me. I don’t know how we’re supposed to have the conversations that make us heart friends, if it’s too hard to agree to have lunch with me next Wednesday. Your expectations seem high to me compared to what you wish to deliver back.
I see it as a great effort on her part and a way of extending the olive branch. Since I was all butt hurt a few years ago, I have been distant with her and have not invited her over to my house, or suggested we go out to dinner (as I had before), and I think this ornament was a way for her to extend herself to tell me she cares about me.
Thanks for the condolences on my dog. It has been devastating and just a few months. I miss him terribly. Your loss is recent and grieving is not linear. It's hard to lose a loved one. Best to you.
Thank you for your kind words about my cat Monsoon. They are part of the family and leave a big hole for a long time when they leave us.
Yes I agree that your friend cares about you. I had a male friend that was so horrible to me and we never spoke again. To this day I don't know why. I tried to have a heart to heart and ask him why he was upset with me when I ran into him, and all I got was raw emotional abusive responses. He would not give me an answer. What are you going to do with that? Hate him back? No. I sent him a birthday card and told him the door was always open. Sometimes you just can't second guess what people are thinking. You just have to let them be them. Good or bad. I don't agree that you have to lower your standards and expectations, but I do agree that people move on their own time line, not ours. If I met him in public I would say hello and be kind to him. We will never be good friends again, and that's okay.
I had another friend that I did a whole lot for, including remodel her living room on my dime and time. I helped her move into her new house while her husband went fishing. I know that sounds bad, but he deserved the trip. It was just bad timing. I was there waiting for her after her surgery, and I took her to post op appointments and another procedure. I made every birthday special for her by either cooking something like lobster not only for her but her family and her creepy Aunt who I couldn't stand. I was having a milestone birthday and she decided that her husband's Christmas party was more important because it wasn't every day that she could sit down to a nice steak dinner with her husband. Yep, I ended the friendship. I also went to her mother's wake and gave her a hug and told her how sorry I was for her loss. If I ran into her in public I would say hello and make small talk. I'd be nice and be on my way.
You are the only one that can decide how this friendship proceeds or doesn't nobodysbusiness. There are times when people disappoint you to the point that you just can't let them close enough to take advantage again. There are times when you may be wrong about their motives without realizing it. The best you can do is be a good person no matter how you're treated or mistreated because two wrongs don't make a right. Follow what's in your heart with your friend. Just find a way to let her be her.
You sound very similar to my Mom, no friends live up to her expectations, so she has none (I know you said you have lots of friends, so I'm not sure why THIS friend would garner any emotion). And yes, she gets all butt hurt if me or my sister go do something she wants to do and not invite her. It is fatiguing, so we just stop telling her stuff.
She doesn't understand that one friend will not meet ALL your needs (also why she is divorced 3 times). People usually different levels of friends, and different friends for different activities. She is very "need" centric, she thinks if she "feels" it, then the other person is somehow at fault.
Sure, it will sting that a friend went out and did something with other friends and didn't invite you. But there could be all KINDS of reasons. Maybe they are close and one of them needed to talk about a personal problem, maybe one of them doesn't like you (no biggie) - you may *feel* slighted, but really, no one is under obligation to include you for whatever reason - I would caution you strongly against running with that type of thought/emotion.
Remember: You had *reasons* for not visiting her when she had cancer, I'm sure you rationalize she had *reasons* for not inviting you to those events
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Refusing to make plans with me tells me you are not interested in anything beyond acquaintanceship with me. I don’t know how we’re supposed to have the conversations that make us heart friends, if it’s too hard to agree to have lunch with me next Wednesday. Your expectations seem high to me compared to what you wish to deliver back.
Thank you for your kind words about my cat Monsoon. They are part of the family and leave a big hole for a long time when they leave us.
Yes I agree that your friend cares about you. I had a male friend that was so horrible to me and we never spoke again. To this day I don't know why. I tried to have a heart to heart and ask him why he was upset with me when I ran into him, and all I got was raw emotional abusive responses. He would not give me an answer. What are you going to do with that? Hate him back? No. I sent him a birthday card and told him the door was always open. Sometimes you just can't second guess what people are thinking. You just have to let them be them. Good or bad. I don't agree that you have to lower your standards and expectations, but I do agree that people move on their own time line, not ours. If I met him in public I would say hello and be kind to him. We will never be good friends again, and that's okay.
I had another friend that I did a whole lot for, including remodel her living room on my dime and time. I helped her move into her new house while her husband went fishing. I know that sounds bad, but he deserved the trip. It was just bad timing. I was there waiting for her after her surgery, and I took her to post op appointments and another procedure. I made every birthday special for her by either cooking something like lobster not only for her but her family and her creepy Aunt who I couldn't stand. I was having a milestone birthday and she decided that her husband's Christmas party was more important because it wasn't every day that she could sit down to a nice steak dinner with her husband. Yep, I ended the friendship. I also went to her mother's wake and gave her a hug and told her how sorry I was for her loss. If I ran into her in public I would say hello and make small talk. I'd be nice and be on my way.
You are the only one that can decide how this friendship proceeds or doesn't nobodysbusiness. There are times when people disappoint you to the point that you just can't let them close enough to take advantage again. There are times when you may be wrong about their motives without realizing it. The best you can do is be a good person no matter how you're treated or mistreated because two wrongs don't make a right. Follow what's in your heart with your friend. Just find a way to let her be her.
You were very gracious after what your friend did to you to go to her mother's wake and give her a hug and express your condolences. That is really being the "bigger person" as they say. I'm not good at that. If someone betrays me or deliberately hurts me (and there have been many of the former and a few of the latter), I would have a hard time being as generous of spirit. What you did was pure forgiveness. I do my forgiveness in a much more half-assed way
Nobodysbusiness... everyone is projecting. It's what people do.
What do YOU want to do about this friend? If you're not clear on this, do nothing until you are.
Yes, I agree.
I have become clearer through this thread. I don't want to do anything, I decided. Maybe contact her when I get a new dog. I can never truly "be myself" with her because I was relating to her authentically and didn't understand she had a problem expressing herself emotionally - until she told me - that just makes things super awkward for me and I honestly don't know how to be with someone like that (I mean in every day life, that's what you have to do - fake it basically - but I can't do this with "friends").
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