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You sound very similar to my Mom, no friends live up to her expectations, so she has none (I know you said you have lots of friends, so I'm not sure why THIS friend would garner any emotion). And yes, she gets all butt hurt if me or my sister go do something she wants to do and not invite her. It is fatiguing, so we just stop telling her stuff.
She doesn't understand that one friend will not meet ALL your needs (also why she is divorced 3 times). People usually different levels of friends, and different friends for different activities. She is very "need" centric, she thinks if she "feels" it, then the other person is somehow at fault.
Sure, it will sting that a friend went out and did something with other friends and didn't invite you. But there could be all KINDS of reasons. Maybe they are close and one of them needed to talk about a personal problem, maybe one of them doesn't like you (no biggie) - you may *feel* slighted, but really, no one is under obligation to include you for whatever reason - I would caution you strongly against running with that type of thought/emotion.
Remember: You had *reasons* for not visiting her when she had cancer, I'm sure you rationalize she had *reasons* for not inviting you to those events
Your mom sounds like a great friend candidate for me!!!
And no, I don't have a lot of friends. I have had in my life, but I culled or life culled them out.
I am idealistic, and also "don't suffer fools gladly." I have been betrayed by a few people.
Your mom sounds like a great friend candidate for me!!!
And no, I don't have a lot of friends. I have had in my life, but I culled or life culled them out.
I am idealistic, and also "don't suffer fools gladly." I have been betrayed by a few people.
Yes, there is definitely a possibility you guys could be friends, she too, has been "betrayed" by many.
I'm sure meeting each others needs all the time, would keep you both occupied.
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There isn't any 'one friendship fits all'. There are different levels of friendship, as well.
Level 1 - you're like brothers or like sisters or brother and sister. You may or may not talk through things - everybody is different. But you always include one another except when you have periods where you're squabbling.
Level 2 - not as close as level 1 but still friends. You get together less often. You may or may not talk through things - that's more a reflection of personality and something that shouldn't be forced on those who aren't comfortable with it, regardless of what level the friendship is on.
Level 3 - you really enjoy these people when you get together with them, but they're more peripheral friends. Friends of friends, if you will. You don't seek one another out but have a good time when you're with them.
You may view the friendship as being on a different level than she does. Or she doesn't realize you would expect to be invited to the outings you mentioned. Or you're not really friends with the other people she was with and she didn't think to invite you when putting the outing together. OR...she wasn't the one who put the outing together.
I'd let it go. If you sever times every time someone disappoints you - you'll die a lonely person.
If you can accept the fact that she's not a talk through it/emotional type of person, that's one thing - but if you expect her to change or are going to be unhappy with who she is, then do both of you a favor and move on.
You admit you weren't there when she had cancer. If you want her to overlook that, you need to overlook it when she falls short, too.....even though I'm not convinced she's actually fallen short in any real way.
Realize she probably didn't go to "a lot of trouble", some people can just easily and naturally respond to things like this without a second thought. It's like those people who remember everyones BD and send out 100 Christmas cards, the very thought exhausts me but to them it's like breathing.
Like others said, you're overthinking it and should just thank her and move on. If she reaches out again you can decided if you want to rekindle the friendship or not.
You were very gracious after what your friend did to you to go to her mother's wake and give her a hug and express your condolences. That is really being the "bigger person" as they say. I'm not good at that. If someone betrays me or deliberately hurts me (and there have been many of the former and a few of the latter), I would have a hard time being as generous of spirit. What you did was pure forgiveness. I do my forgiveness in a much more half-assed way
Practice makes perfect dear one. I loved her mother and I miss her more than I missed my friendship with her daughter. It's so much easier not to hate and have negative feelings. You can train yourself to look at the glass always being half full. If you focus on the negative and wallow in hate, it is a cancer of the soul. Sit down and write a list of all the good things you like about your friend. Then write a list of all of the negative things you don't like about your friend. What you perceive as a slight may just as well been an oversight. Sometimes people just do without thinking. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt that she just didn't think of inviting you to the gathering, not out of malice, but just forgetfulness?
What my friend did does not eliminate all the good times we had together, and I miss them sometimes. It also does not excuse her talking a really dark time in my life and making it worse. I saw her shortly after I sent her a letter explaining as nice as I could why the friendship wasn't working for me anymore. She came running up to me in a store and hugged me and said "I'm sorry for what ever I did." Yeah, well if you don't understand what you did then you don't get it. I still talked to her and went on my way. I know how awful I felt after my male friend treated me the way he did and I wouldn't want to cause someone else that kind of pain. It was disturbing. So just treat her as an acquaintance or anyone else you would meet on the street. I know that if I went to visit my friend she would open the door to me. I like options and making enemies is not a good option. Sometimes you have to think about what you're doing vs responding to pure emotion.
I know you got some really mean responses here on your thread. Think about how they made you feel and translate that into a life lesson. Kindness and understanding is a much better emotion to feel than animosity and bitterness. Besides, you lost something terribly precious and that hurt is going to need attention. Feed that healing process instead.
Refusing to make plans with me tells me you are not interested in anything beyond acquaintanceship with me. I don’t know how we’re supposed to have the conversations that make us heart friends, if it’s too hard to agree to have lunch with me next Wednesday. Your expectations seem high to me compared to what you wish to deliver back.
I don't think that. I am not a planner. My bestie is and it doesn't bother her. Maybe it did at first. And I can bend. I had to plan to go look at holiday lights and go to this neat restaurant with incredible decorations next week. I HAVE TO. It's important to her. So I did! We live a block away from one another so spontaneous is easy often. Hey do you have dinner plans. Hey do you want to come over and visit. Hey I am walking the dog, want to go? I'm going here/going there, want to go with?
I don't think that. I am not a planner. My bestie is and it doesn't bother her. Maybe it did at first. And I can bend. I had to plan to go look at holiday lights and go to this neat restaurant with incredible decorations next week. I HAVE TO. It's important to her. So I did! We live a block away from one another so spontaneous is easy often. Hey do you have dinner plans. Hey do you want to come over and visit. Hey I am walking the dog, want to go? I'm going here/going there, want to go with?
But yours is an already established friendship. I think Debsi is correct in that when establishing friendships, interest should be extended from both parties in most cases.
But yours is an already established friendship. I think Debsi is correct in that when establishing friendships, interest should be extended from both parties in most cases.
I think it's also proximity. Can't get off my street w/o passing her so she was often coming out to walk when I was. Which led to coming in for coffee or whatnot. An effort like planning dinner or lunch didn't always be made to form the friendship. I see your point lacking the proximity.
I think it's also proximity. Can't get off my street w/o passing her so she was often coming out to walk when I was. Which led to coming in for coffee or whatnot. An effort like planning dinner or lunch didn't always be made to form the friendship. I see your point lacking the proximity.
Also, I happen to have a child under 1, so leaving the house means packing up everything we own. I can’t do spontaneous right now! I have friends from late 20’s to late 70’s, but only those who can make plans with me are going to see me.
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