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I wrote about the crude, opportunistic friend in another post . . . which made me think of this friend.
This is also someone I used to work with many moons ago. I got an ornament in the mail from her yesterday with a card. My dog died recently. It was a very nice gesture and I messaged her to thank her.
I haven't been encouraging this friend for a few years because of a couple of incidents.
She lives kind of far away from me, but has a vacation home near me. Whenever she would come to stay in the house, she would notify me - until she didn't. One time, I saw a posting on FB on a holiday - she was at a restaurant I had told her I was dying to go to - and she was with other friends I have met. I didn't get an invite, and was hurt. There was another holiday and a similar incident (she went to see fireworks with these other friends and I heard about it later).
I am a very emotional person and she is not. She brought that up one time - that she has a hard time talking about personal/emotional stuff. To me, that is what friendship is all about.
I don't want to say "I don't want to be friends with you because you are unemotional and you and your other friends went places I would have liked to have been invited to go." It just seems dumb and petty and the part about her being unemotional seems judgmental.
So I have withdrawn any energy from her - but now, she has reached out to me again through this ornament, and I "should" invite her to come visit me, but I don't feel I can be 100% myself around her and I don't trust her to not exclude me again. I realize in writing this how childish it sounds!!!
She sent you an ornament because your dog died. How does that translate into your thinking you should invite her to visit?
It was a kind gesture. Take it for what it's worth, thank her, and forget about it.
She went to a lot of trouble to do that. Purchased something, mailed it. It was very thoughtful. Usually "friends" are the only people who do thoughtful things like that. My relatives didn't even do that (well, they did send flowers). It's been a few months since my dog transitioned, so it wasn't just to acknowledge the death. It was a "remembrance" (the ornament says the animal left "paw prints on my heart." It's very cute and wasn't cheap.
She went to a lot of trouble to do that. Purchased something, mailed it. It was very thoughtful. Usually "friends" are the only people who do thoughtful things like that. My relatives didn't even do that (well, they did send flowers). It's been a few months since my dog transitioned, so it wasn't just to acknowledge the death. It was a "remembrance" (the ornament says the animal left "paw prints on my heart." It's very cute and wasn't cheap.
It sounds like you're trying to justify rekindling a friendship you're saying you don't really want.
And then you'll find yourself posting about this person the same way you've posted about the crude person you let back in.
What is this really about? Are you feeling lonely without many friends because of the holidays?
It sounds like you're trying to justify rekindling a friendship you're saying you don't really want.
And then you'll find yourself posting about this person the same way you've posted about the crude person you let back in.
What is this really about? Are you feeling lonely without many friends because of the holidays?
Honestly, I'm just confused. I know people aren't perfect - do people who maintain longterm friendships just ignore the slights and injustices and suck it up and pretend to maintain the friendship? Or do they "talk about it?" In this case, I would never bring up that she slighted me with the restaurant and the holidays because it would show entitlement on my part and kind of neediness. And saying anything about her being unemotional would be rude and judgmental.
I think the ornament could be her way of asking to come back into my life. I could invite her to go out to dinner the next time she is in town.
P.S. I wasn't a good friend to her either - when she had cancer, I did not go to see her. I don't know why - she lives a long ways away so that's part of it. The other part is I didn't feel I was that good of friends with her at that time - but it does show I have a ****ty side.
There isn't any 'one friendship fits all'. There are different levels of friendship, as well.
Level 1 - you're like brothers or like sisters or brother and sister. You may or may not talk through things - everybody is different. But you always include one another except when you have periods where you're squabbling.
Level 2 - not as close as level 1 but still friends. You get together less often. You may or may not talk through things - that's more a reflection of personality and something that shouldn't be forced on those who aren't comfortable with it, regardless of what level the friendship is on.
Level 3 - you really enjoy these people when you get together with them, but they're more peripheral friends. Friends of friends, if you will. You don't seek one another out but have a good time when you're with them.
You may view the friendship as being on a different level than she does. Or she doesn't realize you would expect to be invited to the outings you mentioned. Or you're not really friends with the other people she was with and she didn't think to invite you when putting the outing together. OR...she wasn't the one who put the outing together.
I'd let it go. If you sever times every time someone disappoints you - you'll die a lonely person.
If you can accept the fact that she's not a talk through it/emotional type of person, that's one thing - but if you expect her to change or are going to be unhappy with who she is, then do both of you a favor and move on.
You admit you weren't there when she had cancer. If you want her to overlook that, you need to overlook it when she falls short, too.....even though I'm not convinced she's actually fallen short in any real way.
I think the issue is that I am trying to fit square pegs in round holes.
People show me who they are, and I don't pay attention.
I *really* want "other" kinds of friends - those you FEEL simpatico with - who have your back and who you share values in common with.
I think I just settle because I am not a perfect friend so I think they shouldn't have to be either (and they don't), it's just that deep down, I probably don't like or trust them that much, but since I don't have good friends I settle for "that's the best I can do."
I have had friends I considered to be "good" friends in the past. One moved away and we lost all contact, so I concluded I wasn't as important to her as she was to me or as I thought we were as friends.
No real heart connections with "friends" for many years.
Had a "best friend" business partner who disappeared (I filed a missing person's report), she moved and left no forwarding address!!!!! She did eventually email me and tell me she was "sorry."
I really loved her and that hurt a lot.
Lots of flakes and weirdos out there (and I am a weirdo, but not a flake).
I think the issue is that I am trying to fit square pegs in round holes.
People show me who they are, and I don't pay attention.
I *really* want "other" kinds of friends - those you FEEL simpatico with - who have your back and who you share values in common with.
I think I just settle because I am not a perfect friend so I think they shouldn't have to be either (and they don't), it's just that deep down, I probably don't like or trust them that much, but since I don't have good friends I settle for "that's the best I can do."
I have had friends I considered to be "good" friends in the past. One moved away and we lost all contact, so I concluded I wasn't as important to her as she was to me or as I thought we were as friends.
No real heart connections with "friends" for many years.
Had a "best friend" business partner who disappeared (I filed a missing person's report), she moved and left no forwarding address!!!!! She did eventually email me and tell me she was "sorry."
I really loved her and that hurt a lot.
Lots of flakes and weirdos out there (and I am a weirdo, but not a flake).
I’ve read a few of your friend threads and other of your threads about your love of psychology and feelings. As kindly as I can say it, it sounds like you are “too needy” of a friend and expect to much of others. You also get your feelings hurt easily. Your best friend/business partner needed space. These last two friends don’t sound like compatible friend material for you at all.
I think the issue is that I am trying to fit square pegs in round holes.
People show me who they are, and I don't pay attention.
I *really* want "other" kinds of friends - those you FEEL simpatico with - who have your back and who you share values in common with.
I think I just settle because I am not a perfect friend so I think they shouldn't have to be either (and they don't), it's just that deep down, I probably don't like or trust them that much, but since I don't have good friends I settle for "that's the best I can do."
I have had friends I considered to be "good" friends in the past. One moved away and we lost all contact, so I concluded I wasn't as important to her as she was to me or as I thought we were as friends.
No real heart connections with "friends" for many years.
Had a "best friend" business partner who disappeared (I filed a missing person's report), she moved and left no forwarding address!!!!! She did eventually email me and tell me she was "sorry."
I really loved her and that hurt a lot.
Lots of flakes and weirdos out there (and I am a weirdo, but not a flake).
They show you who they are? This woman has done nothing wrong. People aren't always in control of who goes where, but even if they are, you weren't invited. That's nothing to be hurt about. It was an outing, not her wedding or some other big occasion.
And not everyone wants to spill their guts with others. Accept people for who they are, expect less than you've been expecting, and you may find it's easier to keep friends.
I get that you want to be best friends with someone you connect with at a deeper level, but that has to be more organic in the way it evolves, and not forced.
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