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That’s what I have been doing for the past decade..... Thing is, she’ll still reach out and every time she does its never to check in and ask how I’m doing or just chat. Always wants something from me. So, she still sees me as a resource.
There should be no guilt in that case, although I agree with oh-Eve that you should be upfront instead of avoiding her. Just say, 'You know in the ten years I've been doing things for you, you've never once asked about me, done anything for me, or shown any indication that you've cared. I think for my sake it's best if we just move on. I wish you well.' Then hang up - and if she calls after that, you can block her.
That’s what I have been doing for the past decade..... Thing is, she’ll still reach out and every time she does its never to check in and ask how I’m doing or just chat. Always wants something from me. So, she still sees me as a resource.
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Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler
I actually moved to a new town to cut two toxic people out of my life. They were my neighbors on either side in a 5-plex we all lived in. One was a bad alcoholic and the other was an alcoholic also with a tendency toward sociopathy. One or the other of them was always pounding on my door in the middle of the night or hitting me up for cash if they happened to encounter me in the laundry room, etc. I never have felt so much relief in my life as when I was finally moved into my new apartment in my new town. Needless to say, I didn't tell either of them where I was going and I changed my phone number.
I can be a push over for a while, but when it starts to feel too toxic, I'm gone. I agree with letting go of your current "friend" gradually. Be firm about it and I'd bet a 100 bucks that said friend will have found themselves a new victim to leach off of by time you're done. Good luck!
This is ridiculous!! You guys have decades of feeling annoyed or moving out of town because you cannot just tell someone "LEAVE ME ALONE. Never call again." Really?
Most likely because you're maybe cutting them out for the wrong reasons. If an individual is worth cutting out of my life it's really not that hard, it's the only option.
Perhaps instead of completely cutting this person out of your life, knowing they have nobody else, you'd feel more comfortable slowly weaning her out of your life?
Don't pick up every call, but pick up the sixth call, maybe? And make it clear you've got new responsibilities that are keeping you busy.
This way you can help her from time to time without cutting her completely out but you'll get your life back again.
IMHO, what you are not willing or able to do is make the decision. So many people jump right to cutting someone off entirely instead of managing them. If you decide to manage this person's behavior, you don't have "cut" anything. Shift the balance of power away from them and give it to yourself. You don't have to leap out of your chair every time they demand it. You can start being selective and weighing each instance before deciding what if anything you can or would do to help. Maybe all you do is commiserate, listen. Eventually, if the person doesn't get enough satisfaction from you they will move on to someone who will provide it and drop out of your life. By doing it this way you "kill" two birds with one stone...you learn where your sideboards are, develop the will to apply them, and the problem child goes away all by itself without drama.
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-31-2019 at 02:29 PM..
This is ridiculous!! You guys have decades of feeling annoyed or moving out of town because you cannot just tell someone "LEAVE ME ALONE. Never call again." Really?
Some of these people will be so angry they'll retaliate for being cut out of anothers life. Vandalism and worse has happened. Toxic people are mental issues on two legs and a brain that devises mayhem.... It's best for the person to move away so as to be safer....
It's kind of like domestic violence, but leaving before they can swing on you.
If you want to save the friendship you need to tell her how you feel about her overly depending on you. If her needs are genuine, there are county resources that may help though it may not be as convenient for her and would require her to take some initiative in searching it out.
If you are totally burned out, then the only choices I see are just tell her or do the slow fade.
You might simply be unselfish or perhaps unusually empathetic. I don’t necessarily attribute your helping this person to weakness.
But you can imagine yourself as an enabler. If your help enables bad choices or poor self regulation, then I think that might help you see your “help” as negative. If you don’t want to be an enabler, then you can see that you should stop being one.
I do agree that you would need to say something to this “friend.” It will mark a change in your behavior, but it will be like water off a duck’s back to friend. Friend will try again. And possibly again.
So, you need coping strategies such as call blocking, unfriending on social media, etc.
If, however, your friend is poverty stricken by circumstance, I think you should help if you can. If your friend makes poor decisions repeatedly, then rewarding her is not showing her that she must change.
I have one friend that I really do like, but her life is very chaotic, but generally due to her own actions. She has not involved me in the chaos, but I maintain religious boundaries with her so as not to get sucked in. She seems to understand where those boundaries are, and I really respect that about her.
She's an amazing person. But I think some of the very qualities that make her amazing also result in chaotic relationships.
Look, my advice is this: The next time this person calls you for a favor, take her call. But whatever she asks for, you tell her no, you're sorry but it's not something you can do right now and good luck with the endeavor.
What is she actually asking for?
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