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Some people are just plain easy to cut out of my life. I cut out an ex (one specifically and others I guess) and two ex-roommates (likely more but you know.) I guess I just say dueces and that's it.
Some people are just plain easy to cut out of my life. I cut out an ex (one specifically and others I guess) and two ex-roommates (likely more but you know.) I guess I just say dueces and that's it.
so Dueces is the magic word? Who would have thunk!
My Ex simply said: GO! and I did.
But I like you magic word "dueces". Makes no sense .....but neither does keeping a leech around make sense.
There should be no guilt in that case, although I agree with oh-Eve that you should be upfront instead of avoiding her. Just say, 'You know in the ten years I've been doing things for you, you've never once asked about me, done anything for me, or shown any indication that you've cared. I think for my sake it's best if we just move on. I wish you well.' Then hang up - and if she calls after that, you can block her.
Pretty much this^^^^. Just gather up your courage, or cojones, or whatever, and tell them that you're tired of only hearing from them when they are in need. Tell them that they are an adult and need to act like one, that you aren't there to rescue them, that there are resources available out there and that in the future they are going to have to use those resources as you are no longer going to be able to help. You might suggest a few of those resources, whatever they may be, and then tell them you'd be happy to talk when it isn't all about their urgent needs and how you can fill them. Wish them luck with their problem and say good-bye. You will likely never hear from them again.
That’s what I have been doing for the past decade..... Thing is, she’ll still reach out and every time she does its never to check in and ask how I’m doing or just chat. Always wants something from me. So, she still sees me as a resource.
I have to ask, are you an Act of Services type of person? It's ok to say No and stop being a "resource" for someone if you're not getting anything out of it.
Its only as hard as you want to make it. Best due the deed early on before things get to out of hand. As Dr. Phil says "you teach people how to treat you". If you let someone walk all over you numerous times, of course they are going to expect to do it forever. Best to stop bad behavior the first time.
I have to ask, are you an Act of Services type of person? It's ok to say No and stop being a "resource" for someone if you're not getting anything out of it.
Last time she phoned — last Spring — to tell me she had breast cancer and wanted to get a specific procedure offered at MD Anderson in Houston. Hoped I would drive down from Dallas, pick her up at airport, rent us a hotel room for 2 weeks and tend to her. She didn’t have enough money to pay for hotel and no person to care for her as required by the hospital for the course of treatment. She lives in Florida and the treatment she wanted wasn’t offered there. I have not seen her in over 15 years. I did say no. But actually, due to her health issue, I seriously considered this request.. although that she wanted me to pay for the honor of doing hospital aftercare was a put-off. We were not going to be in Texas at that time and had pre-paid for our trip accommodations. So I declined in clear conscience. She is single, age 70, and has a disabled sister she cares for. No other family.
In the past 20 years I have only seen her ONCE. We were childhood friends since age 2, and since about age 15 only touch base infrequently. But she phones 1-2x a year and always wants something (asking for donations to political causes, advice on insurance, advice on selling her deceased parents house, advice on managing a major home repair, etc. etc. etc.) And the phone calls last for about an hour and I find it so draining.
Last time she phoned — last Spring — to tell me she had breast cancer and wanted to get a specific procedure offered at MD Anderson in Houston. Hoped I would drive down from Dallas, pick her up at airport, rent us a hotel room for 2 weeks and tend to her. She didn’t have enough money to pay for hotel and no person to care for her as required by the hospital for the course of treatment. She lives in Florida and the treatment she wanted wasn’t offered there. I have not seen her in over 15 years. I did say no. But actually, due to her health issue, I seriously considered this request.. although that she wanted me to pay for the honor of doing hospital aftercare was a put-off. We were not going to be in Texas at that time and had pre-paid for our trip accommodations. So I declined in clear conscience. She is single, age 70, and has a disabled sister she cares for. No other family.
In the past 20 years I have only seen her ONCE. We were childhood friends since age 2, and since about age 15 only touch base infrequently. But she phones 1-2x a year and always wants something (asking for donations to political causes, advice on insurance, advice on selling her deceased parents house, advice on managing a major home repair, etc. etc. etc.) And the phone calls last for about an hour and I find it so draining.
I haven’t returned her latest call yet.
Situations like this can be difficult. There may be some sort of relationship with the person - be it a former connection (in your case, the childhood friend), an initial acquaintance who does not become a real friend, a neighbor etc. The person is in need. Some of their so-called 'toxicity' is that they are overwhelmed perhaps with no one to turn to. There's an ongoing thread in this forum about a similar situation (with that one involving illness and a former neighbor).
Cutting the cord isn't always that easy - and often cannot happen until you decide that will not violate your morals - simple human kindness etc. Once a boundary is crossed then you can then act. It sounds like the request for both hands-on care and that you pay for providing the aid (the hotel room) became that boundary that now 'frees' you to stop even the phone calls. This may well be the time, but then you want to implement that decision again with a "clear conscience."
Perhaps my sharing a similar situation that led to enormous stress will help. The person involved was a neighbor whose acquaintance I had recently made. After one enjoyable evening, I came to realize over the next couple of neighborly chats we were not suited to become friends. The next week she was diagnosed with breast cancer. My neighbor was a recent transplant with no family.
Not becoming her health power of attorney was an "easy" decline for I simply did not know her and could not have discharged that responsibility. More difficult was that I felt invaded - literally since we lived so close and she wanted a surrogate family. I get that having someone show up whenever she called - even if the request seemed frivolous - fulfilled an emotional need. She was scared. That still did not make me the right person.
The boundary she crossed was misunderstanding a question then taking to a shared helper list to complain about me. On the list, I of course read it. She had a critical bent (one of our mismatches). Her public complaint freed me. I continued to provide rides, groceries but with an increasingly impersonal demeanor hoping I could continue to the end (of her treatment).
The situation remained stressful. If there was an emotional opening to me she would try to find it. I could empathize that she was feeling 'alone' 100 feet from me. But our interactions were like someone scratching on a chalkboard for she sensed the distance and resented it. Mentioning my stress to friends sometimes resulted in the response that I needed to be more 'charitable.'
My neighbor recovered. The second happiest person when she completed treatment may have been me! She has since moved away. I've declined invitations to visit her. And only provided brief and impersonal replies to any e-mails. Never again.
Do what is reasonable for the relationship. A ride to the hospital for a neighbor. But once a request is for an impropriate level of assistance - the post-hospital care request in your case - then every other request will start to be tainted by that violated boundary. That for you is now even the phone calls that you before returned. I get that.
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