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If either spouse was keeping the other from doing what they want that would be a problem.
We have no reason to believe that is the case here. Sometimes relationships just wear out.
This all sure sounds to me like she's keeping him from doing what he wants:
Quote:
Originally Posted by DK736
my friend tells me he can't hangout tonight because he has to help her with tonight's girl's night.
His reply was, "Not at all man. The wife just wants to wait until everyone is healthy so we can all hangout."
His wife has been known to cut our nights short when we have cemented plans, she's made him reschedule (which is pointless because she ends up tagging along when we redo the plans), she has made him back out of plans at the last minute, and she was never willing to ever hangout when my ex would have small parties with some of my other friends, and her friends.
I honestly don't know the answer to this, but keep in mind that your perspective is that of a man who has just gotten out of a controlling relationship with a woman. So you may be especially sensitive right now to hints of this kind of behavior.
At the heart of it, you just want to hang out with your friend one on one. Can you come out and say that?
If your friends wife loves him, she wouldn't make him cancel. Since he said that his wife wanted him to help with her girls party, it gives the impression that she is controlling.
Either way, I wouldn't be dissing his wife. It won't end well for you.
I agree with those who think the wife is a little clingy and I don't think your guys' night should have to be cancelled. Yes, I don't think it's a great idea to go to a house where someone is sick (germs don't just stay in the room with her), but why couldn't you guys have changed plans to go hang out at a bar or restaurant or somewhere else?
I also agree that it's not a good idea to diss his wife or call her out for this. She sounds a little controlling to me from what you have posted, but she is obviously his priority right now. A friend respects that (even if he/she doesn't agree with it).
I have had those friendships where the woman (I'm a woman) who was my friend to begin with (sometimes for decades) starts to have the spouse along at every get-together. I don't mind hanging out as couples sometimes, but I also value time to spend with my friend alone. Conversations and activities are very different with spouses along, and it's nice to have both.
But you know what? Everything happens in cycles and phases. Priorities change. You may find a few years down the road that he's up for guys' nights more readily. Or you may find that he's not allowed to play at all anymore. I think that if you call him or his wife out on it, you run the risk of breaking the friendship. Even if he thinks his wife is being a little controlling or "salty" or whatever you want to call it, you saying that to him will likely just get his back up and he might dig in. That's human psychology. We tend to defend our choices (even if we suspect they weren't the best ones).
Or he is using it as an excuse because he has moved on past the OP's friendship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144
Then it's time for this friend to put on his big-boy boxers and say so rather than throwing his wife under the bus, isn't it?
No. Decent people try not to hurt other people's feelings.
And it wouldn't be throwing his wife under the bus. If this was in fact an excuse then I'm sure the guy's wife was well aware what was going on...and she probably even suggested handling it this way.
This all sure sounds to me like she's keeping him from doing what he wants:
As heard through the ears of the OP, maybe but even he is reluctant to point the finger directly at the wife. I agree with the others that his one time friend is trying to let this guy down easy but the OP is the clingy one, not the wife.
Lots going on in your post but it sounds like you're feeling as though he's abandoned your friendship. This isn't uncommon. I've lost a few friends to marriage as well.
I have girl friends who don't like their partners doing things without them. Guys' night out is a thing of the past for many of those men. The men just seem to go along with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144
He needs to "help with girls' night"? Really? Like... what is he going to do?
I disagree with pretty much everyone else here. Yes, people need friendships and social times away from their relationship/significant other. That's normal and healthy. Assuming he's not neglecting things at home-- like he's always going out with his friends and sticking her with the kid and she never gets any time off-- and that him hanging out with his friends doesn't involve going to strip clubs or gambling away their money, there's nothing wrong with him having friendships that don't include her.
Yeah, she's a little clingy. Unfortunately, probably not much you can do about it; he chose her and he's going to have to live with it, unless he or one of her friends are going to try to point out to her that a person can have a life outside of their relationship. Sounds like it's time for you to cultivate new people to hang out with so it doesn't matter if you don't hang out with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GraceKrispy
I agree with those who think the wife is a little clingy and I don't think your guys' night should have to be cancelled. Yes, I don't think it's a great idea to go to a house where someone is sick (germs don't just stay in the room with her), but why couldn't you guys have changed plans to go hang out at a bar or restaurant or somewhere else?
I also agree that it's not a good idea to diss his wife or call her out for this. She sounds a little controlling to me from what you have posted, but she is obviously his priority right now. A friend respects that (even if he/she doesn't agree with it).
I have had those friendships where the woman (I'm a woman) who was my friend to begin with (sometimes for decades) starts to have the spouse along at every get-together. I don't mind hanging out as couples sometimes, but I also value time to spend with my friend alone. Conversations and activities are very different with spouses along, and it's nice to have both.
Long story warning:
I'm surprised there are so few with this point of view. I had a friend that I met maybe 5-6 years ago, on a project. We hit it off, talked often via text, email and sometimes phone. We never went out except a few times those of us on the project would grab a bite to eat together. A few of us went to professional seminars together. I have a significant other who was not interested in this type of work so they never met, but they knew of each other and there were no issues there. My friend and I never flirted or made suggestive comments to each other, it was truly a brother/sister type of relationship.
Then my friend started dating someone. We still talked often, but he only did things as a couple. I noticed it but never said anything. She came along to a couple of those professional seminars with him. One year, he bought tickets for both of them, but she decided she didn't want to go, so she was trying to get him to do something different instead. In my relationship, we would have just said "have a great time, I'll see you later".
Again, I felt this was an odd thing but mostly because I didn't practice it. We are all in our 40s and 50s, and these are not first relationships for any of us.
My friend has since died. I've found out that his partner berated me for not making an effort to "double date" with them. That in her world, once you are a couple, you only do things as a couple and with other couples. Because I did seminars with them but without my SO, to her, that was weird and inconsiderate to keep my SO from the group, when in fact my SO would have been bored enough to fall asleep at these seminars.
Also, my friend and I, even though we talked often and had many common interests, never saw each other socially unless you count those seminars. We didn't even live near each other. So to suddenly start double-dating would have weird to me and certainly uncomfortable for my SO. And it never even crossed my mind, because I never saw my friend socially, nor did he ever suggest it.
Long story short, I find this behavior to be unusual and think it stems from an insecurity on the part of one party, and the other party goes along because (a) they love their SO (b) they think it's how things work in all relationships and/or (c) it keeps peace.
K12144 - I knew a guy that hung around on girls night. He joked he was one of the girls but I suspect he feared they'd talk about him if he wasn't there. He was incredibly insecure. (I'm betting it made them talk about him more )
No. Decent people try not to hurt other people's feelings.
And it wouldn't be throwing his wife under the bus. If this was in fact an excuse then I'm sure the guy's wife was well aware what was going on...and she probably even suggested handling it this way.
How is it indecent to tell someone "Hey man, I just don't feel like hanging out"? Most people consider honesty to be what decent people do...
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty
As heard through the ears of the OP, maybe but even he is reluctant to point the finger directly at the wife. I agree with the others that his one time friend is trying to let this guy down easy but the OP is the clingy one, not the wife.
"Clingy" because he wants to hang out with his friend without the wife (who's not his friend, she's just married to his friend) always tagging along?? Wow.
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I think that if you call him or his wife out on it, you run the risk of breaking the friendship. Even if he thinks his wife is being a little controlling or "salty" or whatever you want to call it, you saying that to him will likely just get his back up and he might dig in. That's human psychology. We tend to defend our choices (even if we suspect they weren't the best ones).
