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I want to discuss this with you all to get an outside perspective on this. Please don't sugarcoat anything or try to make me feel better. Be honest because I really want a better understanding of this.
I am a 22 year old male. All of my life I have struggled with Social Anxiety. It affected my life greatly. Throughout my childhood and teenagehood, I was very sheltered.
I didn't really have any friends. I spent a lot of time in the house instead of going outside to play with other kids or hanging out with friends.
My father always gave me a hard time about this. He would always ask me, "Who do you hang out with in school? Why do you never go outside? You're always by yourself."
I used to get annoyed when my father would question me about this.
He made me feel bad about my lack of friendships and going out.
What my father didn't know because I never told him was that I had Social Anxiety.
I was too embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I have this problem. So I kept it to myself throughout my childhood and adolescence.
The only time I would leave the house and be around other people pretty much was to go to school. I interacted with people in school, but it was never outside of school.
In high school, I didn't have a job or my driver's license because of anxiety. When I would be out of school for the summer, my Dad would be hard on me and be like, "You sit in the house all day this entire summer. Get out and get some fresh air."
I graduated high school, then I went to college. I was still struggling with Social Anxiety. I didn't develop any relationships. The only time I interacted with people was while I was in class. I still didn't have my license. I still didn't have a job. The only productive thing I was doing was taking classes.
My father would be like, "You study and do homework 24/7!"
I decided to take a hiatus from school and get my life together. I decided to look for employment and start working on overcoming my Social Anxiety.
For a year, I was taking online classes at my local community college to round up an Associate's degree before I took a break from school. During that entire year, I was in the house most of the time. My father would be like, "When are you going to get a job man? In a minute I am going to get one for you."
I told him, "Once I am done with these online classes."
I will admit that I felt bad about not working. It was disrespectful to my parents to be an adult and not working or contributing. The anxiety was holding me back, but also the classes were accelerated and I thought juggling those classes and working would be too stressful.
I finished the classes and rounded up an Associate's degree before I took a break. I applied for jobs and I got my first job working in a hospital cafe. Getting a job was definitely nerve wracking for me. I knew that I would have to interact with people.
I read stories on people who overcame Social Anxiety, and a lot of them stated that once they got a job working with the public, it broke them out of their shell. I figured okay I am going to try this.
I have been working at this job for the past 6 months. I admit, the Social Anxiety is something I deal with everyday. But I am trying my best to face my fears and do my job well. However, my manager, co-workers, and even a few customers all tell me that I am a great worker and that I am doing an amazing job.
I will admit I have gotten pretty comfortable around my co-workers and manager. I socialize with them. I still get nervous around customers and new co-workers, but it's a process.
I have started therapy to treat my Social Anxiety.
I have began taking private driving lessons to get my driver's license.
I opened up to my father and family about my Social Anxiety.
I thought that my Dad would be less hard on me and nicer to me if he sees that I am making an effort to change my life.
However, he is still being critical.
When I got hired for this job, I told my Dad, "I got the job!" He then asked me, "Congratulations, but what made you want to work in a cafeteria? This job may be a little boring. You have an Associate's degree working in a cafeteria."
I got this job to try to improve my social skills, overcome my Social Anxiety, and to give me a source of income.
I thought my Dad would just be happy that I got a job and I now have my own money.
I opened up about my Social Anxiety so he can understand that when I wasn't working, I wasn't because I was being lazy, fear was holding me back. When I didn't have friends, the same thing.
He stated, "Are you sure you just have Social Anxiety? Are you sure you don't also have Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder?"
Every time I talk to him about my anxiety, he blows it out of proportion and is pretty unsympathetic about it. I tell him about how I deal with it at work and I get nervous doing new things, and he is like,
"Boy you get nervous about everything."
Hello! I just told you I have anxiety.
It's like I thought that since I've opened up about this, be would be more understanding about the things that happened in my upbringing and what not, but he is still being negative.
Even with my driving lessons. The last time my father attempted to teach me how to drive, he gave up after 6 days and deemed that I wasn't progressing fast enough. I gave up for a few years and I decided to take it upon myself to get private lessons. I've been going, and my Dad still tells me, "I don't want you to keep going to these lessons and it seems like you are not improving, and the instructor is just taking your money." The instructor wanted to book my road test, however I wasn't ready yet.
I told my Dad about him wanting to schedule a road test and he stated, "He is going to see whether or not you are fit to drive."
I just don't like how my Dad is assuming the worst. Obviously if he wanted to schedule a road test he feels as though I am ready. However, I wasn't ready. I wish my father could have more faith in me. He is the one making me feel unconfident about my driving.
This is why I don't want him teaching me. Even though he isn't teaching me, he is still making comments to make me feel unconfident.
Even though I am working full-time, Monday-Friday from 8:00am to 4:30pm, my father still says, "You be in the room all day." Like what are you talking about? Most of the day I am at work. Yes, when I come home after work and on the weekends, I mostly be in my room on my laptop because I like to relax in there. Also my mobility is still limited because I don't have my license. So when I'm not at work, I am at home.
When I wasn't working or in school, yes I was in the house and in my room all day. But most of the time now, I am at work.
It's pissing me off because he is still making the same comments that he was before I started working and I feel like it's not the same situation anymore.
Even with therapy he tells me,
"I don't want you going to therapy and it seems like you are going to just listen, but not put into practice what they are telling you. Or you can't go to therapy looking for a cure."
Then he was like,
"What made you pick the therapist that you want?"
He asked in a negative way.
I stated that I found her on Psychology Today and thought she would be a good fit for me.
He also stated,
"When you start therapy, I am coming too."
I am not a child. I am going to therapy to work on my personal issues. I did not want my Dad coming to therapy with me.
I feel controlled by him.
I just think my Dad is very negative.
And I am going to be honest.
I was hoping that my Dad would be nicer to me when he sees all of the positive changes I am making, but he is still acting how he did before.
It leads me to wonder is there something I am still not doing right? Do I deserve the way he treats me?
Or is my Dad just not a very nice person?
I think that when a person is mean or disrespectful to me a lot of times, I deserve it. Or there is something I am doing wrong.
tl;Dr: Throughout my upbringing I was very sheltered. I didn't really have any friends. I never went out much. My Dad always gave me a hard time about this. I was delayed in getting a job. I didn't get my first job until I was 21. I am still working on getting my driver's license. What my Dad didn't know is that I struggled with Social Anxiety all my life. It's the reason why I had no friends, hardly went out, and delayed with certain things. My Dad was very hard on me. I decided to get therapy, get a job, take a break from school and get an Associate's, and take private lessons to work on getting my license. I told my Dad about my Social Anxiety. I was hoping me Dad would be nicer to me after seeing all of this progress I am making. But he is still being very critical of me. I am beginning to think my Dad is just not a very nice person. I wanted to get an outside opinion on this.
Congratulations for taking steps in overcoming your anxiety and the more you overcome the more you will overcome. You are going to college, started working and learning to drive and when you get your license that will give you more freedom and confidence in yourself.
I believe maybe your dad was and is concerned for you socially and for your future and doesn’t know how to help you.
I think your father is just fine. I think he's sick of you using "Social Anxiety" as a crutch. Look at how many times you cited it in your post.
You said, and I quote, "I will admit I have gotten pretty comfortable around my co-workers and manager. I socialize with them."
So you can get out and be around people once you make up your mind to do it.
Everybody has some reservations about socializing. Perhaps you have more than most, but we all have to work at it. No one does it effortlessly at first.
Thought Dad was protecting you because you had issues, no?
Maybe time to move out.
In the other thread he said his parents are going to start charging him rent soon. That means Mommy and Daddy are on the same page and are about to apply a boot to his rear.
Honestly it sounds like you and your Dad are very different people. You want your Dad to change and be more sensitive and understanding. He wants you to toughen up and act like him. So what do you do? You need to have realistic expectations and realize your Dad changing the fundamental part of him is just as hard as it is for you to man up and act like him.
Be firm and communicate how you need to be treated. If you feel like he isn't responding maybe you need to limit your interaction until you get the help you need.
You are the one who can decide your fate and direction. You can do that by being independent and not relying on other people.
In the other thread he said his parents are going to start charging him rent soon. That means Mommy and Daddy are on the same page and are about to apply a boot to his rear.
Really, what else can they do?
Now I am paying the water bill, my portion of the cell phone, and my student loans. They are not charging me rent right now. Once my brother leaves, that may change.
I wasted my time giving the OP some advice that went in one ear and out the other, so I deleted it. He is only interested in blaming his father, nothing more.
Now I am paying the water bill, my portion of the cell phone, and my student loans. They are not charging me rent right now. Once my brother leaves, that may change.
Oh, okay...you are still living at home. I hate to break this to you but you really have no say if you are living rent free. Your parents probably are concerned you are not going to ever leave and become independent.
I’ve encountered a lot of young people online who say they suffer from social anxiety. It has surprised and perplexed me as I never encountered it growing up. I admit I don’t understand why people feel socially anxious but then emotions don’t have to be rational. They just are.
I think your goal should be to become self-supporting and then move out. However, without your parents around, your social contact is even less. So you need a solution for that.
I suggest googling - social anxiety support group - to see if anything local to you pops up. It may be helpful to meet and talk to others who feel exactly as you do and learn what they do to try to cope. You might even make friends - people who understand you.
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