Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Long story short we have a relative who seems to have a major medical issue annually. It ranges from mental health/substance abuse to things like a hip replacement. This person is in their 60s and appears fit. Runs, swims, not overweight. But there's always some kind of problem. Family narrative had been that this individual is just "unlucky."
Whenever these issues occur, lots of attention is paid to this individual and people try to help out and visit. In the case of the hip replacement another family member took a few weeks off of work expecting to drive this person around and help around the house. Instead the "immobile " individual was driving in 2.5 weeks and wanted to go out to restaurants and events. This incident prompted some digging into what had actually happened surgically that lead to the realization that several of the procedures the "sick" relative claimed to have on the last 5 years were either totally made up or a less extreme/elective version of what actually happened.
Several family members want to confront this individual about what is really going on. We have all rearranged plans or traveled to help on various occasions and it now looks like we have been had. There's a lot of anger. Clearly this is attention seeking behavior and definite mental health involvement.
Have you heard if anyone doing this? How would you handle the conversation going forward?
Why not just be "too busy to help" the next time one of these things comes up? If they learn they won't get the attention they seek, maybe it'll stop happening. You can confront if you want, but that might just turn into them sobbing about how nobody believes them/takes them seriously/cares about them and trying to turn it back on everyone else.
Everyone is different. When my late husband had hip replacement surgery, he was driving in two weeks (short distances), even though the doctor said wait (I believe) six weeks to drive. However, he certainly was not going to lots of events and restaurants during his recovery.
There are several different explanations to why she exaggerates her surgeries and illness. She could be an "attention seeker" and makes a big deal about every little ache and pain to get that attention.
Or, she could be a pessimist and always takes what the doctors says and imagines that it is the absolute worst possibility. For example, the doctor tells her "Now, this might be a muscle strain and all you need is rest your arm. But, it could be a partial muscle tear and you would need it taped up and wear a sling for two weeks. Or, it could be a complete muscle tear and you would need surgery and wear a cast for six weeks. After the cast is removed, you will need several weeks of occupational therapy to regain your strength. I will schedule an MRI to evaluate the damage". And, the relative panics and calls all the other relatives and tells them that she needs surgery, to wear a cast and them have occupational therapy before she has the MRI and the doctors makes the final diagnosis.
Another possibility is that she has early dementia, or another cognitive or mental health issue and really needs a competent adult to go with her to all medical appointments. In my dementia support groups, numerous people told stories about their loved ones giving incorrect information to the medical staff or completely misunderstanding some that the doctors told them. Sometimes this was years before an actual diagnosis of dementia.
Or, she gets confused by all the information that the doctor gives her and is afraid or embarrassed to ask for clarification or to say that she does not understand. Or misunderstands, but does not realize that she misunderstood.
I'll share a personal example, in my early 60s I went to the doctor and I thought that he told me that I had a minor problem. I'm an optimist and that is how I "heard him" so I didn't ask for clarification. A few months later I went back for a follow-up and he explained the medical issue in greater detail and I realized that I had greatly, greatly underestimated the significant of what happened. I was absolutely horrified. Picture something similar to actually having had a heart attack and "thinking" that the doctor told you that your chest pains were absolutely nothing to worry about (like a minor muscle strain). Man, oh man. There were several things that I would done differently I had realized that the pain was an actual heart attack!
After that, I always had a second adult with me at all important doctor's appointment. They could ask questions, take notes and clarify things. I do this even though I am a completely competent adult. Also, both of my adult children as well as my brother has complete access to ALL my doctors and ALL my medical information. While it rarely comes up, if there is ever a question about how serious something is the doctor can openly answer any questions and clarify treatment, surgery medications, etc. This was especially helpful during the times that I was in the hospital and my adult children were thousands of miles away.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-03-2021 at 03:08 PM..
Long story short we have a relative who seems to have a major medical issue annually. It ranges from mental health/substance abuse to things like a hip replacement. This person is in their 60s and appears fit. Runs, swims, not overweight. But there's always some kind of problem. Family narrative had been that this individual is just "unlucky."
Whenever these issues occur, lots of attention is paid to this individual and people try to help out and visit. In the case of the hip replacement another family member took a few weeks off of work expecting to drive this person around and help around the house. Instead the "immobile " individual was driving in 2.5 weeks and wanted to go out to restaurants and events. This incident prompted some digging into what had actually happened surgically that lead to the realization that several of the procedures the "sick" relative claimed to have on the last 5 years were either totally made up or a less extreme/elective version of what actually happened.
Several family members want to confront this individual about what is really going on. We have all rearranged plans or traveled to help on various occasions and it now looks like we have been had. There's a lot of anger. Clearly this is attention seeking behavior and definite mental health involvement.
Have you heard if anyone doing this? How would you handle the conversation going forward?
Sort of. One sibling always managed to come up with the least common complication for common ailments and always required the most complicated treatments to solve her ordinary health problems. Which usually involved more help from other family members. If not actual help, at least extra sympathy. How did others eventually learn to handle her? They refused to play the game any longer. She was left to her own devices. Amazing how quickly the number of "crises" dropped after that.
As long as their medical crisis behavior results in a payout, they'll continue to indulge in it. The payout (in terms of attention) doesn't always need to be positive. Even negative fallout is still attention. Don't enable them by making their problem your problem. I suspect that approach would apply equally well to some of the other problems in this cantankerous drama-ridden family.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-03-2021 at 03:02 PM..
Munchausen syndrome (also known as factitious disorder) is a rare type of mental disorder in which a person fakes illness. The person may lie about symptoms, make themselves appear sick, or make themselves purposely unwell.
....... Have you heard if anyone doing this? How would you handle the conversation going forward?
Yes. My mother in law was like that ..... and one of my neighbours in my building is a grand master at it.
With regard to the MIL everyone in the family would get her story from her. Then before anyone made any commitments to her someone in the family would contact her doctor to tell the doctor what she had relayed to the family and then find out from the doctor what the real score was. Then once the family all knew what was really the case with her we'd all decide together how to deal with it accordingly. Sometimes the MIL didn't like the decisions we made but she created the false stories or situations to start with so she had to go along with our decisions.
Also my neighbour who is the worst I've ever seen at this game, she's an absolutely chronic hypochondriac and stubborn malcontent in her late 70's who several times a year will do things to make herself sick or will aggravate small ailments or injuries to make herself worse than she already was so she can tell other people about it. She might be mentally ill but she's not stupid, she's really cunning and manipulative and actually fully self sufficient. Her family members got so fed up with her deliberately creating medical emergencies for herself and calling for an ambulance or family member in the middle of the night they have all gradually left town and moved to other towns to escape from her.
Long story short we have a relative who seems to have a major medical issue annually. It ranges from mental health/substance abuse to things like a hip replacement. This person is in their 60s and appears fit. Runs, swims, not overweight. But there's always some kind of problem. Family narrative had been that this individual is just "unlucky."
Whenever these issues occur, lots of attention is paid to this individual and people try to help out and visit. In the case of the hip replacement another family member took a few weeks off of work expecting to drive this person around and help around the house. Instead the "immobile " individual was driving in 2.5 weeks and wanted to go out to restaurants and events. This incident prompted some digging into what had actually happened surgically that lead to the realization that several of the procedures the "sick" relative claimed to have on the last 5 years were either totally made up or a less extreme/elective version of what actually happened.
Several family members want to confront this individual about what is really going on. We have all rearranged plans or traveled to help on various occasions and it now looks like we have been had. There's a lot of anger. Clearly this is attention seeking behavior and definite mental health involvement.
Have you heard if anyone doing this? How would you handle the conversation going forward?
It's not unusual to be recovered enough from a hip replacement enough to want to go out after 2.5 weeks. They aren't as invasive as they were in years past, and the pain should be subsiding after a week or so. But she probably didn't know what to expect. When I had my lumbar laminectomy, I actually rented a lift chair because I didn't know how disabled I might be, but I walked up the 2 1/2 flights of stairs to my apartment hours after my surgery, slowly but in less pain than before the surgery. I felt pretty good after 2 weeks. But again, I didn't know what to expect, so I prepared to have supports in place beforehand that I turned out not to need.
How exactly did you dig around for her medical information/surgical history, when all that info is protected? How do you know she is lying?
It's not unusual to be recovered enough from a hip replacement enough to want to go out after 2.5 weeks. They aren't as invasive as they were in years past, and the pain should be subsiding after a week or so. But she probably didn't know what to expect. When I had my lumbar laminectomy, I actually rented a lift chair because I didn't know how disabled I might be, but I walked up the 2 1/2 flights of stairs to my apartment hours after my surgery, slowly but in less pain than before the surgery. I felt pretty good after 2 weeks. But again, I didn't know what to expect, so I prepared to have supports in place beforehand that I turned out not to need.
How exactly did you dig around for her medical information/surgical history, when all that info is protected? How do you know she is lying?
I wonder that too, or the comment about “elective” surgery. Even a knee replacement is elective. Having elective surgery doesn’t mean that it is not intensive or doesn’t require significant recovery time.
What medical procedure did this relative actually make up? How would any of you actually know this?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
