Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So you've been miserable about this friendship for 3 years, and yet you cling to her like a burr. Why? Why does this person have such a hold on your life and attention?
That's my question too... if I know I wouldn't be writing here...
Maybe somehow I think I owe her? For missing her wedding? For the opportunity to meet my husband when she arranged that gathering 10 years ago (though I know her purpose was to get closer to the man she was into)... And sometimes I wonder if I misunderstood her since I'm a highly sensitive person, perhaps she really doesn't have bad intentions even though some of the things she said and did to me were really rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful... One part of me says that I should forgive, and one part of me doesn't want to...
But anyway, since people are getting aggressive here and accused me of making up stories, I don't feel like elaborating or explaining further if it's going to trigger people's hateful comments. I think it's not easy to understand and believe how complicated a highly sensitive person's mind works and thinks. I don't want to interpret and think too much either but I couldn't help.
But thanks for all the helpful comments, and I do also thank for some of the criticisms and questions and I do have to work on myself and figure out how to find peace and move on.
Thanks and you're saying what's in my mind! I knew that I was going to get comments like the rest of the replies here, saying that I got myself into these by not cutting off her completely for good. I think I would have done so if she's not pregnant. People found it hard to understand why her pregnancy is a matter. But let me put it this way, using a rather extreme example, if somehow you had a bad relationship with your dad and you're angry and you're not seeing him anymore, but then suddenly you know he's very sick and is hospitalized and he wants you to visit him, what would you do? I doubt if people could just say, oh, just let him die, don't see him if you hate him! It's a bit extreme but I feel like it's similar to what I'm feeling now.
Anyway. Back to your comments, I recently write a lot of articles about psychology and I also found that the descriptions of narcissistic people match with her personalities. The reason why I wanted her to announce her pregnancy directly without playing games on me is that I wanted to protect myself, as you mentioned, and also to let her know that communication would be much easier and effective if she learns to stop being manipulative and controlling. Pregnancy is a happy thing, so as marriage - these are all the things that I truly want to congratulate her and feel happy for her, but if she keeps portraying these things as something she doesn't truly ask for, doesn't want to talk about nor give a damn about - but only as a mean to passively get people's attention and compliment or even jealousy, I really don't know how I should react.
But an update here, I just congratulated her on her pregnancy, but I don't think I'm going to meet up. She asked me to arrange a friend's birthday dinner, which is a month later, and I asked her why the rush and then she finally said that she's very pregnant and wanted to meet before giving birth. But when I told her I might be too busy to meet up anytime soon, she started to reply me with full stops at the end of each sentence. We only exchanged a few more messages then we stopped, because she was using too many full stops and it's really making me feel like we shouldn't talk anymore LOL.
Anyway, I've actually bought her baby gift and I will mail it to her. I don't think we should meet. Good luck to her and her baby. I don't know what to add anymore.
Thanks and you're saying what's in my mind! I knew that I was going to get comments like the rest of the replies here, saying that I got myself into these by not cutting off her completely for good. I think I would have done so if she's not pregnant. People found it hard to understand why her pregnancy is a matter. But let me put it this way, using a rather extreme example, if somehow you had a bad relationship with your dad and you're angry and you're not seeing him anymore, but then suddenly you know he's very sick and is hospitalized and he wants you to visit him, what would you do? I doubt if people could just say, oh, just let him die, don't see him if you hate him! It's a bit extreme but I feel like it's similar to what I'm feeling now.
Anyway. Back to your comments, I recently write a lot of articles about psychology and I also found that the descriptions of narcissistic people match with her personalities. The reason why I wanted her to announce her pregnancy directly without playing games on me is that I wanted to protect myself, as you mentioned, and also to let her know that communication would be much easier and effective if she learns to stop being manipulative and controlling. Pregnancy is a happy thing, so as marriage - these are all the things that I truly want to congratulate her and feel happy for her, but if she keeps portraying these things as something she doesn't truly ask for, doesn't want to talk about nor give a damn about - but only as a mean to passively get people's attention and compliment or even jealousy, I really don't know how I should react.
But an update here, I just congratulated her on her pregnancy, but I don't think I'm going to meet up. She asked me to arrange a friend's birthday dinner, which is a month later, and I asked her why the rush and then she finally said that she's very pregnant and wanted to meet before giving birth. But when I told her I might be too busy to meet up anytime soon, she started to reply me with full stops at the end of each sentence. We only exchanged a few more messages then we stopped, because she was using too many full stops and it's really making me feel like we shouldn't talk anymore LOL.
Anyway, I've actually bought her baby gift and I will mail it to her. I don't think we should meet. Good luck to her and her baby. I don't know what to add anymore.
Do you read any of the articles? Seems like you should....
She started out determined to make this friend say the words "I'm pregnant", both of them seemingly playing passive/aggressive games with each other.
Then she comes around, becomes the bigger person (even though she's still very aggravated with this person) and congratulates this person on the pregnancy. I think that IS being big.
And how is OP rewarded for that? Friend asks OP to arrange dinner with another friend. Cause...friend can't make her own phone calls?
I think, at the end of the day, OP has done the best she could.
So you've been miserable about this friendship for 3 years, and yet you cling to her like a burr. Why? Why does this person have such a hold on your life and attention?
Burr is right. On one hand OP you overanalyze and complain about everything the woman thinks, says, or does, but as soon as anyone comments on that, you turn around and defend it and justify why you must live and breathe by what she does. Don't you have anything more important to do in your own life? Actually sounds co-dependent. The abused going to great lengths to justify the abuse and defend the abuser...
Sorry, not wading through more pages of verbose justification. You do you. If you don't like your life as it stands now, up to you to change it. Best of luck!
Why do people have "friends" when they seem like more trouble than they're worth? I find my own company to be totally delightful and without stress. I'm always available and I rarely complain to myself. No drama. I'll stay by myself, but these posts are always amusing. Most of these posts remind me of junior high. I think that must be the peak emotional and maturity level of many people.
Why did my friend say that?
Why did my friend do that?
She's mean.
He's mean.
You're lucky and I wish you luck for the rest of your life.
Why do people have "friends" when they seem like more trouble than they're worth? I find my own company to be totally delightful and without stress. I'm always available and I rarely complain to myself. No drama. I'll stay by myself, but these posts are always amusing. Most of these posts remind me of junior high. I think that must be the peak emotional and maturity level of many people.
Why did my friend say that?
Why did my friend do that?
She's mean.
He's mean.
I know. I also prefer my own company but I've made an effort over the years to cultivate a few special friendships to keep me from becoming too isolated as I age. Most of them are like me and prefer solitude to anything else, but a one on one get together every few months with each of them suits. But all this drama people fill their lives with....never.
- A week before my wedding, I had a bunch of over 10 relatives who lived in another country suddenly decided not to come back for some reason.
Ten relatives bailed on your wedding and you have no idea why? Poppycock.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kearajane
Then she exclaimed, 'What? You didn't arrange me to sit with my husband?! How come? It's ok if the MOH is sitting by herself, but me and my husband! Don't tell me you're going to split us up!'.
...
- She compared my wedding invitation card to her friend's and said that mine was ugly, she said it straight to my face, 'You see (while putting both cards together to show me), both are oil paintings but why is yours so ugly.'
- She compared my husband with hers, laughing at my husband's crow's feet and said that he aged faster than hers. She said to my husband, 'What happened to you? You two are the same age, but my husband doesn't have so much crow feet's as you do. What's wrong with you?'.
There are so many more... but it would take a whole day to write them all.
So this belligerent woman is now coy as a dove about her pregnancy, which hasn't been a sensitive topic in her lifetime. It's curious that it's the coyness that bothers you--after all, you stayed friends with this woman you've accused of being horribly and continually rude, and now you're bothered by...humble bragging. Despite describing yourself as a highly sensitive person.
My take is that she's avoiding you and you can't stand it. I don't believe that she asked you to throw a party for someone--who does that?
If I'm right, stop all contact with her. Don't make her tell you to leave her alone.
If I'm wrong and she's a complete nutcase, stop all contact with her.
Last edited by sheerbliss; 04-28-2021 at 05:14 PM..
I have this friend of 20 years (we are both females), and about half a year ago I started to distance myself from her after having a confrontation with her about how I felt uncomfortable or even pissed by some of her behaviours/words towards me which were sometimes quite rude, mean or even belittling and insulting; and always involve making comparisons with me. I told her about my feelings and asked her to be more considerate of people's feelings, but she didn't take it quite well and accused me of deliberately hurting her to make myself feel good. She also said I should appreciate her honesty and straightforwardness (she meant having no filter is a positive quality) and accepted her as who she was. She said there's nothing she could do if I didn't accept and like her, because she wouldn't change.
It was her reaction that actually turned me off and made me feel like I didn't want to be friend with her anymore, because she just turned the table around and refused to respect my boundaries. And so I started to keep my distance since then.
Then 1 or 2 months later, I read from her husband's facebook that she's pregnant. She didn't announce the news herself, but instead just kept throwing hints like repeatedly posting about how she had to hurry up in doing the things/going to the places she wanted to do/go asap because she wouldn't have the chance later. I felt like she's trying very hard to get people to ask her why so that she could tell us that she's pregnant.
And this just felt so familiar because she used this "tactic" before too when she was engaged. She pretended like she didn't want to talk about it, and when she had the chance to tell us that she's getting married, she made it sound like she couldn't care less about it. She repeatedly said that it wasn't her who wanted to get married and to throw the wedding, because she's not a tradition woman who saw marriage as a big thing in life, she only gave in because her boyfriend wanted to marry her so much. She also kept saying what a bad thing it was to be married because she would have to take care of her husband and do housework etc. and even said that it's a big "risk" to take to live together with your partner and made it like a very big deal. But while she's complaining about it, you just knew that she's actually very happy and proud about getting married (and being the first among us to unlock this "life achievement"). And at the end she rounded it up by saying to me, "Oh, but you won't understand any of these, since you're not married yet!"
She has to drag me into the comparisons with her in almost everything, and tries to make me feel jealous or even inferior whenever possible. Funny thing was I had already moved in with my boyfriend for a few years at that time and also turned down his proposal because I wasn't interested in marriage at that time. I traveled a lot and I didn't want to settle. I'm actually the kind of woman she wants to become but she couldn't because she always stays in line and is afraid of changes and risks. But somehow she always thinks that by saying these things to me, I would feel bad about myself. But I only feel bad about being around her and having to listen to these craps all the time.
Since I could smell that she's trying to humble-brag about her pregnancy just like how she did about her marriage, and since I was distancing myself from her, I didn't like or leave comments on her posts nor do I reach out to her to ask. I would definitely congratulate her if she told me the news herself. I simply decided to take the passive role and to prevent her from humblebragging to me again.
Perhaps she found that I wasn't asking her, she started to message me and even called me several times in the past months. But every time she just saying she felt sad and bad that she wouldn't be able to do anything or go anywhere soon, and trying to get me to ask her why (and btw, I actually never heard any pregnant women saying this kind of things... why would pregnancy stop you from doing anything or going anywhere? she's just dramatizing things). But I didn't ask her as she wished. I just sat back and felt amused by her persistence in getting me to follow the script she had in her head. She's been trying these for months now and I just thought "why don't you just say it already?". Wouldn't it be so much easier if she just announces it directly like her husband did, and like any normal person would do? Why all the drama? I feel like it just further proves my point, and if I follow her script, she would have the chance to humble brag to me and also pull me into it in order to make comparisons between us and make me feel inferior (she' pregnant v.s. I'm not).
I only replied to her messages and answered her calls because she's pregnant, otherwise I would have kept my distance as I said before. I'm just being considerate enough to give her the attention she wants, but my boundary is she has to say it directly and no more humblebrag, no more comparison and no more drama. Am I too harsh to a pregnant woman? Is it too much to ask for?
Too many words. Let's have the CliffsNotes version
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
