Wedding gift check never cashed, groom died, not sure what to do (mother, feel)
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In addition to above wanted to add prospect of check going stale gives excellent cover for OP.
Contact person issued check to and say are concerned it hasn't been deposited yet and don't want them to be harmed or inconvenienced if bank will not accept.
Many people have no idea that checks are not good indefinitely. Some people hold onto checks for weeks, months or in some cases years. When the late Benny Hill's body was found his home was littered with checks that were not paid into checking account, some for pretty substantial sums.
I had a similar situation where I gave a gift in the form of a check to a relative and the relative didn't cash the check for over 6 months. My checking account balance was off. I forgot about the gift check, so I was trying to figure out what caused the checking account balance to be off. When someone doesn't cash a check and you see your balance is off, you don't immediately know it's due to the check not being cashed, it COULD be due to a fraudulent withdrawal or a math error. I spent hours trying to figure out the discrepancy. This also happened when I paid for an athletic club with a check and they never cashed it. I kept emailing them about the check and the lady who handled the payment turfed me to the accounting department blah blah blah. It was a mess. They finally found the check and cashed it, like, 6 months later.
Anyway, I learned my lesson from these 2 incidents and will never use personal checks for gifts or certain types of payments again. I use bank checks. The money comes right out of my checking account immediately. Or, I use a credit card for things like athletic clubs.
In this situation, the person died so it's different circumstances and it can't be helped but I'm just pointing out that I try to avoid giving personal checks from now on. I went to a wedding last year and gave them a Visa gift card which is like giving cash.
Write a lovely letter expressing your genuine sympathy for this loss.
Gently insert that you changed your banking account and wanted to send a visa gift card in commemoration of the wedding you attended and she is at liberty to use the gift for any needs that are on the horizon.
How about sending another note and another check? Write that you just realized your first check was never cashed and must've gotten misplaced/lost. Tell her you're so sorry for her loss. Tell her to just rip up one of the checks if she finds both.
And in the aftermath of a wedding and death, I wouldn't be upset if both checks eventually were cashed, I'd plan on it.
I understand about not wanting to call someone you barely know.
I would say to her that after I got her funeral card, or that I was balancing my check book, I realized the wedding check had never come out of my account. I would send another check in her name only and include that I canceled the first check in case it was lost. I personally do not have the money to give someone a double wedding gift check.
I like the idea to give a bank check but would you know if it ever got cashed? I would just do the personal check.
It's so easy to deposit checks these days using the banking apps. Sounds like cards may have gotten lost at the wedding and possible she's been busy after his death that it slipped her mind some how but she's probably been busy trying to collect life insurance or whatever in order to pay her bills.
This generation doesn't send thank you cards like we used to for most things so I would not even mention a thank you card for the wedding gift. Someone made sure a card was sent for the memorial donation.
I may even mention how beautiful the wedding was, then say how sorry I am for her huge loss.
If I knew the person better I'd say if there is anything I could do to reach out, include my cell.
Depending on how soon after the wedding he passed, she may not be eager to even open wedding envelopes. I'm sure it would be very hard to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WalkingLiberty1919D
So I have an awkward situation. A few months ago, I went to a wedding and I gave a gift of a card and check. I never got a thank you card, but I also moved since then, so I didn't think much of it.
Since then, the groom unfortunately died suddenly. It was a tragedy. A seemingly healthy, fit, young man in his 30s died suddenly. I never found out why except that it was natural causes. I figure maybe a heart attack or maybe an aneurysm.
I went to his funeral and got a thank you card for that.
I was talking to my mom and mentioned how it was odd that I got a thank you card for one thing and not the other. She asked a simple question, "did they cash the check?" I looked and sure enough, the check still hasn't cleared.
It's awkward. If the groom didn't die, I would reach out to the couple to ask about it (and probably write them another check since the first one must have been lost). But now that the groom died, it's an awkward thing to do. But I feel bad that I went to their wedding and had a great time but they never got a gift from me. And maybe the bride could use the money now. But it seems to weird to mail a "wedding check" now (and it might be painful for the bride to get a wedding gift now). I find myself wondering what to do. Any advice?
I moved in June, I think you did too, so that's 4 months.
I wonder if they had a joint bank account or if she was having some issue depositing them after he passed.
I wonder if you or your mom know her mother for one of you to call the mother to mention the check to them, they may not realize checks have an expiration date of 6 months.
Are there any other guests you can ask if their check was cashed?
I'm the same, I'm better at writing then talking on the phone unless it was her mother I was calling who may be closer to your age.
Never a dull moment huh lol
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3
Cancel the check.
Write a lovely letter expressing your genuine sympathy for this loss.
Gently insert that you changed your banking account and wanted to send a visa gift card in commemoration of the wedding you attended and she is at liberty to use the gift for any needs that are on the horizon.
Thanks! I don’t have her phone number to call her (although I could hunt it down). It would be awkward to call since I don’t know her well. She is family, but she something like a second cousin once removed, etc. Besides the wedding, I last talked to her about 20 years ago when she was a little kid.
The note idea seems better. I could give her my number if she wants to call.
I would call the mother or dad, not the wife. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
After 6 months, the check will stale date. Shouldn’t go through at all.
This route feels right to me. Thank you (and thank you to others who had different suggestions). I greatly appreciate it.
I am not so sure about calling. Like I said, we barely know each other even though we are family (I have a HUGE family), so it feels weird. And I am not a good talker. I am okay at writing and great at listening, but not talking. So it would be me calling, awkwardly saying something and then waiting for her to talk. It would be the worst cold call ever. I also think I would inadvertently put her on the spot because she doesn't know me well either. In my letter, I will give her my number if she wants to call and talk. I don't want to put her on the spot since I am just as much of a stranger to her as she is to me.
I'll write her a nice letter, let her know I am still thinking of her, ask her how she's doing, etc, etc. I will also add that I appreciated her thank you note after the funeral and that's what sparked me to wonder why I didn't get a wedding thank you. I will let her know that it seemed out of character for her and so I looked and noticed it appears she never got the check.I will add a replacement check in the letter and say the gift is for her to use however she wants. If she finds the other check, feel free to keep that one as well or add it to her husband's memorial fund.
But I will think of a better way to write all that.
Do NOT say this. Telling her you didn't get a thank you card at a time like this is really petty. Just tell her you noticed the check hasn't been cashed and go ahead and give her the replacement check
actually the more I think of this, I think maybe you should do nothing.
Like another poster had stated, after 6 months the check will be stale.
Your not close to her, maybe wont ever be.
So save yourself the bother.
do nothing.
That's how I feel today after reading this all again.
if you would be seeing her regularly and were close, then yes, but since your most likley not,
Do NOT say this. Telling her you didn't get a thank you card at a time like this is really petty. Just tell her you noticed the check hasn't been cashed and go ahead and give her the replacement check
TA! Can't imagine "reminding" a newly grieving widow about a missed wedding gift thank you note!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by Parnassia; 10-09-2022 at 02:56 PM..
It's been a while so I figured I would follow up on this for the curious.
I called and left a message asking her to call me back. Called again a few weeks later and didn't leave a message. Then sent a text. I got no reply from bride. All wrote was basically, "I am just checking to see how you are doing and let you know I am thinking of you. I want to send you something but I don't have your new address. When you get a chance, let me know what it is." I can see the message was read. But there was no reply.
She does have a new address. She moved out of the apartment her husband was found in and into a new place closer to her work (and maybe farther from memories).
I figured I would just mail her a check with a note saying the old one was never cashed, so I assumed it was lost and wanted to replace it.
I also asked my mom to mention it to the bride's mom (since they talk once a month anyway). My mom let her mom know I wanted to send her a replacement check from the wedding. Still, no word.
Maybe things are just too painful for her and she doesn't want to think about the wedding (and she knows the "something" I want to send again is a wedding gift). If I really wanted to, I am sure I could get the new address from her mother, though my mom, but I don't want to do that. I am not going to press anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
TA! Can't imagine "reminding" a newly grieving widow about a missed wedding gift thank you note!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, that was pretty bone headed of me. I wasn't upset about not getting a thank you or trying to be petty, it's just what made me realize something was wrong and I was going to some "over explaining" on why I noticed. No one cares how I figured out she never got the check--especially her. I don't know what I was thinking. But people set me straight.
Last edited by WalkingLiberty1919D; 12-28-2022 at 03:51 PM..
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Solly says — Be nice!
