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Do NOT say that to your friend! Your friend is grieving. The best thing you can do is ask them if they need anything. Other than that keep your opinions to yourself. Everyone grieves differently and every death hits people differently.
All 3 of my grandmothers were alone for 20+ years. They all referred to my grandfathers as their husband for the rest of their lives. None of them dated. They had no interest in dating. They all weren't in happy marriages. Everyone is different.
Agree. OP it is not your place to tell someone else how to grieve or when to move on. It's hard work but they have to do the work for themselves.
Are you anxious to make a move on him or something? Geez. You have to let people grieve in their own way and in their own time. Has no one ever taught you this?
Your post is saying to me , that you have hidden motives with this man. Are you wanting to get romantically involved with him?
You have quite a few words on and about his relationship with his dead ex wife. Nothing really as far as being concerned about this man's pain and suffering he must be going through to still be thinking of her as current and not ex. Why would anyone do that , most likely because that is what they wish it was. Heck who knows , maybe he hasn't been doing much and he doesn't have anything else to talk about . They were EX's , seems he would already know for sure that he can move on , don't you think?
If you want to start seeing him , pick an event you know he would enjoy and ask him if he wants to go with you. If he is truly stuck in this still married and to a ghost even , RED FLAG time , he has problems in that case, do you really want to add them to your own? Ask him out , find out for yourself. If he is waving the red flag , don't waste your time. You can also help by changing the subject when he begins to talk of her. You probably know all he says by heart by now. He , I have a feeling is a man would doesn't like change and he has simply fallen into the habit of when he and you talk , it is about her. , I could be wrong ,I am just going on what you have said, but a little introspection on your motives where he is concerned is a good idea. As always be brutally , ( that is the word I use for myself "brutally honest") so totally honest with yourself, and the world ,is the only way you can see clearly and be happy .
Last edited by I_Play_Poker; 10-25-2022 at 05:49 PM..
If you are close-enough friends that he is telling you this, you might be able to phrase it more delicately, such as, "Do you see yourself dating again anywhere in the near future, or is it too soon to think about that?"
I'd bet the thought has already come to them on some level, bidden or unbidden.
eh, maybe a question to ask in few years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane
How long had they been divorced before she passed?
I'm guessing at least 9yrs. Idk when exactly. They both never got into another serious relationship after divorce.
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere
First of all, as you said, it's none of your business.
Secondly, just because they chose not to live together doesn't mean they didn't love each or he, at least, didn't love her.
Third, eight months is not an overly long grieving period.
Finally, he may NEVER "move on" or fall in love with someone else, and that's okay.
PS: how does this translate into "he acts like she's still alive"?
The fact he never seemed to move on after his divorce and now her death. I feel like he has some unresolved issues but that's his business I won't pry into out of respect knowing the type of person he is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Are you anxious to make a move on him or something? Geez. You have to let people grieve in their own way and in their own time. Has no one ever taught you this?
Assuming my gender and orientation I see.... The answer is NO.
Quote:
Originally Posted by I_Play_Poker
Your post is saying to me , that you have hidden motives with this man. Are you wanting to get romantically involved with him?
You have quite a few words on and about his relationship with his dead ex wife. Nothing really as far as being concerned about this man's pain and suffering he must be going through to still be thinking of her as current and not ex. Why would anyone do that , most likely because that is what they wish it was. Heck who knows , maybe he hasn't been doing much and he doesn't have anything else to talk about . They were EX's , seems he would already know for sure that he can move on , don't you think?
If you want to start seeing him , pick an event you know he would enjoy and ask him if he wants to go with you. If he is truly stuck in this still married and to a ghost even , RED FLAG time , he has problems in that case, do you really want to add them to your own? Ask him out , find out for yourself. If he is waving the red flag , don't waste your time. You can also help by changing the subject when he begins to talk of her. You probably know all he says by heart by now. He , I have a feeling is a man would doesn't like change and he has simply fallen into the habit of when he and you talk , it is about her. , I could be wrong ,I am just going on what you have said, but a little introspection on your motives where he is concerned is a good idea. As always be brutally , ( that is the word I use for myself "brutally honest") so totally honest with yourself, and the world ,is the only way you can see clearly and be happy .
I have no reason to believe OP has designs on his friend; that seems like quite a leap with no basis for it... Lots of people simply don't understand grief (maybe they've never lost a loved one), are too young to realize that sometimes people continue to love each other even if their marriage doesn't work out, or have the mistaken notion that one must "move on" and all must be in a relationship 24/7.
I'm glad that you care about your friend but this is one of those situations where you need to mind your own business, don't be an interfering busy-body and keep your mouth shut about his relationship with his dead wife and the way he feels or talks about her after her death. If you try to interfere he'll come to the conclusion that you are trying to control the way he thinks and adjusts based on your own standards of how you think he should be and you're going to end up losing him as a friend.
<snip>
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Yep. Just been through this. Thought the "you should feel this not that" friend was gone, then she resurfaced again. Asked me how I was doing (after a loss). I told her. I then got an earful of how wrong my feelings were.
This time I made the break clear cut and permanent in exact words, and why.
Don't tell your friend how you think he "should" feel. Don't offer opinions on his grief or choices. Avoid anything that contains the phrase "you should" or "you shouldn't". Offer yourself, your time, your listening. If you know something he likes to do, invite him out for a day to do it. Take a walk in a woodsy place, or a long a shoreline. Someplace peaceful and quiet. Or engage in an all day gin rummy tournament, or a favorite old (or new) tv show marathon, or whatever he likes to do.
If he wants to talk let him, but if the talk goes on too long for you (you have to protect yourself as well) gently introduce a new subject now and then.
Do you happen to have a photograph of them together? Did you know them when they were first married? A candid shot from their wedding, or something later on, anything that shows them happy together. Print it and frame it and give it to him, if you do. This will show him you support him and acknowledge his feelings.
If he didn't want to move on for nine years why would he start now. They weren't just good friends with an amicable divorce, it sounds like some type of co-dependence. He's not just going to get over that, probably never will. Some new person would have to deal with all this baggage.
I have no reason to believe OP has designs on his friend; that seems like quite a leap with no basis for it... Lots of people simply don't understand grief (maybe they've never lost a loved one), are too young to realize that sometimes people continue to love each other even if their marriage doesn't work out, or have the mistaken notion that one must "move on" and all must be in a relationship 24/7.
I think some got the impression, as I did, that this was a woman asking a man when he was going to get over his dead ex-wife already, based on the first post. It did raise the question in my own mind as to whether she had a vested interest in him doing so.
It appears that both the OP and the friend are het males, though, and that is not the case.
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