Need some advice re: relationship between wife and my mother

[I Luv Chins]

Originally Posted by PassionateNortherner

I would be so upset if all my children decided not to have children. How horrible. I work with seniors and I know those without children or grandchildren are incredibly sad and regretful as they get older. Hopefully the OP's mother has other children who will have grandchildren and continue the family on.

As a 60-something person married to a 70-something person, the bolded is just crap. There has not been a single second of regret about a decision we made 40 years ago. We've lived in a retirement-oriented community for several years now. There have been a number of seniors (mostly women) who've replied to our "no, we don't have kids" information with a variation of "good for you. First they break your wallet, then they break your heart."

Back to the OP: you are actually leaving your mother hanging out on a limb with your omission of declaration. Just git 'er done.

There are many posts here using words you could easily cobble into a statement that is firm, compassionate toward potential disappointment, but also putting your mother in her place.

I really liked the one stating that your mother will one day die and it will be you and your wife. That is my own mantra. Life moves forward. People mate and commit for a lifetime because the older generation will pass, as has happened in both our families, leaving us the now-oldest generation. Spouse and I are now only for each other. The decades of marriage, both of us putting the other first, has created a bond of absolute support and dedication to one another. None of this "well, I need to coddle Mom until she dies, then I'll start putting Wife first." That might not be the thought of OP, but I've read such a summation on life advice boards. In each instance, the person who asked how to deal with that was told to dump the person enmeshed with their mother/parents. There is no true partnership when you don't put your mate first.

[XRiteMA98]

Originally Posted by Luke1991

Hi there.

I'm a new member but I have been reading for a few months now.

My situation is like this. I've just turned 31 and my wife is 40. We have been married for nearly 4 years and together for 6. My mother has never taken to my wife for a number of reasons. She's not happy with the age gap and she doesn't like my wife for whatever reason. She was hoping we would at least have kids so she would be a grandmother but as my wife is now 40 we have decided against it and this has worsened things with my mother. Everything has now become very complicated for me. I think my mother is hoping it falls apart but I absolutely love my wife and I know nothing will change between us.

Has anyone else had this situation before? And have you got any advice on how to make things better?

Much appreciated.

The age gap is irrelevant if you ask me.
Even if you married a younger woman your mom most likely wouldn't like her. In general mothers in laws don't get well along with their daughters in law.
You married your wife because you love her. Your mother doesn't have to love her. The decision of having children is yours and your wife's only.

Your mother doesn't have a saying on this! I think you should have a talk with her and stand your ground and give her two choices: either she accepts you and your wife and be nice and in this case you would have a relationship with her or bye!

You don't owe her anything.

[CCS414]

Originally Posted by zentropa

It is up to you as a grown-up man and husband to manage your relationship with your mother in a way that supports and honors your wife. How do you intend to do that? This is your responsibility as an ADULT.

How is it his resposibility? Are not his wife and mother also adults??